Thursday, July 2, 2009

a better day

A better day
Today is a better day. I have been fighting this monster called grief all week. Sometimes it gets the better of me. It’s taken me a few days to get a handle back on things but I am working on it.

Donnie’s last weeks at home have haunted me in recent days. I have done a good job so far of NOT thinking of those days, but I came across something in my bedroom the other day that reminded me of something that happened in that last week that opened that door and let those memories flood my mind. I have been struggling to close that door all week. That is not how I want to remember Donnie. I want to remember him the way he was when I fell in love with him. Young, silly, full of life, smiling, laughing and my knight in shining armor. He came into my life and swept me off of my feet. I had never felt so loved or worthy of such love.

I rejoined a pool league with one of mine and Donnie’s friends. To be honest, I hesitated before doing it. I wasn’t sure about it. Pool was what Donnie and I did together. It was how we met. I didn’t know how I would be able to handle it. Last night was my first time to go back. I was nervous about how it would make me feel. It was bittersweet. It was fun but it made me miss him. But at the same time, it brought back happier memories of Donnie. Happy times and carefree days that I miss so much. And although it made me a sad because he wasn’t with me, it filled my mind with better memories and hopefully is replacing some of the memories of his last week that have been crowding my mind. I smiled last night as I remembered him and how we met. We met so many of our closest friends playing pool. And even though we eventually quit playing as often, those friends have remained our friends and extended family.

Caley will be 2 next week. That makes me think of Donnie a lot as well. She is growing so much and I know how much fun that they would be having together. She still carries around his picture and kissed him goodnight. She was sitting in my lap on the porch swing yesterday and I called his voicemail and put it on speaker. Her face lit up when she heard his voice as she squealed “Poppy” she then took the phone held it to her mouth and said “I love you Poppy” Breaks my heart. She still misses him and remembers him so much. But at the same time, I know that she won’t always remember so I am glad that she remembers him now.

So anyway, today was a better day. That’s all I can hope for. One day at a time. I still miss him so much every single day. I don’t think there will ever be a time that I don’t miss him. But I try to hang on to our happy times and hopefully that will help me get thru. So tomorrow I will get up and try again.

1 comment:

Doreen said...

The cycle of life continues and Caley is there to help you through. She must bring sunshine to your days and distract your sad thoughts at times. Children are like old souls...