Tuesday, June 30, 2009

Last night I cried

Last night I cried

Dear Donnie
Last night I cried. I cried a lot. It was a rough day. Every little thing reminded me of you I miss you everyday but some days are worse than others. Some days it is just too much. I went to see you yesterday, I talked to you as I always do. Could you hear me? Sometimes the words flow so freely and other times I don’t know where to begin because I have so much to say to you.

The day didn’t start out too badly but it just seemed to unravel on me. There was nothing remarkable that started it off, it’s just doing it all without you. The small everyday things. I miss you. I need you. The grief came in waves and the tears flowed so freely. I just don’t know how I am supposed to get thru this without you. Yet here I am this morning, still moving, still trying.

It’s been 75 days since you were here with me. Some days it feels like a lifetime and some days I still can’t believe that you are gone. Although I try not to think about that last day or even those last weeks, it has played like a movie in my head a thousand times, when I least expect it and I don’t know if it will ever stop. In the days leading up to it, you knew it was going to happen and you were worried about me and if I would be ok. On that last day as I lay in the bed next to you holding your hand, I believe with all of my heart that you heard every word that I spoke to you. I know that you knew how much I would miss you and how much I loved you and that I always would. I told you that we would be ok but I don’t know that I believe that. How can I ever be ok without you? There were so many times that you told me that I would be. I wish I had the confidence and faith in myself that you did.

There were so many more things for us to do, our future plans and dreams. Even though we knew our time was limited, I wasn’t ready for you to go, but I would never be ready. Still wanting one more hug, one more kiss, to hear your laugh just one more time. For 18 months we stared this monster in the face with you valiantly fighting the whole time. But we both knew it was a battle that you could not win. Oh how much I love you for fighting so hard for me. But I expected nothing less because you always did everything with me in mind. There was no doubt about how much you loved me.

I know that you are here, still with me, watching over me. The smallest things remind me of you. I want to call you at least a dozen times a day to tell you something. People say that they don’t know how I am functioning day to day. Sometimes I don’t know. But I pushed you to live for so long and now I feel like you are pushing me to live now so I keep trying. I know it is what you want me to do and I don’t want to disappoint you.

I still love you and that will never change. I will love you everyday of my life. Thank you for being everything that I ever needed.

I love you
Always and forever

Monday, June 29, 2009

I want nothing more than to hear his voice or see him walk thru the door at the end of the day. I want someone to wake me and tell me that this isn’t real , that this didn’t happen. There are so many questions that will never be answered. The what if’s and the what now and why him.

I get up every day and I try. I find reason to get out of bed. I try to find a reason to smile. I make myself do things that I know I will enjoy. It’s what I need to do. It is what I WANT to do. Its what HE wanted me to do. I just wish it didn’t hurt so much..

How do I keep moving forward without him? Honestly, if he had not pushed me so hard to try to move on with my life, I would still be in bed with the covers over my head. But I figure, I pushed him for 18 months and he fought so hard for me that the least I can do is try to do what he wanted me to do. I only wish I had his courage. It just feels wrong without him

A very big part of me died when Donnie died and what’s left of me is trying to figure out how to live again. I know that each step that I take without him will be painful for quite a while. But what I am hoping is that each obstacle that I overcome and each time I get up after I fall, I get a little bit stronger and the next time it won’t be so hard. Thankfully I am surrounded by people who love me, who help me up when I fall. I don’t know what I would do without them.

I’m still searching for my “one day” Each day, I continue to try, I get out of bed, I smile, I laugh, I cry and I miss him so very much. I’m still lost but hopefully “one day” I will be able to look inside myself and find “me” again.

Thursday, June 18, 2009

Still searching

I am still searching. Searching for a place in my heart that doesn’t hurt. Seeking the courage to get up every day and keep trying without him. Looking for some sort of normal and feeling my heart break every day because it needs him here with me.

How is wish that I would wake up and this would have all been just a nightmare. But as the dawn of each new day arrives, along with it comes the awful truth and the pain that it brings with it.

Words can’t describe the emptiness that I feel and how deafening the silence is. The fear of spending the rest of my life without him is now my reality. Cancer has robbed us of our happily ever after. I cling desperately to my faith,praying that I will find the strength to somehow move on and live the life that he wants me to live. I just wish it didn’t hurt so much.

It’s been said that time heals all wounds. But honestly I don’t believe that. I don’t think that time heals our wounds, but my hope is that one day I will learn to live with this pain and the cross I have been given to bear. One day at a time, one hour and sometimes even one minute at a time. Taking small steps and continuing to put one foot in front of the other and each time I stumble and fall,seeking the courage and the strength to pull myself back up and accept the path that is before me. Leaving behind a part of myself and still bringing him with me .Letting go of the life that I had planned. Drying my eyes yet again ,facing my fears and hoping that I am stronger than I think I am. Finding the confidence in myself that Donnie had in me. Realizing that giving up isn’t the same as letting go. Holding on to those precious memories and cherishing each moment of the gift of love that I was given. Hoping that one day the light will shine brighter and I will be able to see more than just the next step and praying that Donnie will be with me all the while, helping me to find my way.

Sunday, June 7, 2009

I miss him

I miss the sound of his voice
And the touch of his hand

I miss his laugh and how
His eyes lit up when he smiled

I miss the way he wrapped his
Arms around me and made the world go away

I miss the way he would get so exasperated with me
But then just sigh and smile . he could never be mad at me.

I miss the way he supported me
Even when he didn’t agree with what I was doing

I miss the way he let me hog the bed and
I even miss him snoring next to me.

I miss our shared dreams and the promise
Of growing old together.

I miss our silly disagreements and his crazy
Sense of humor.

I miss his love of life and his courage in the
Face of adversity.

I miss the way that he never met a stranger
And everyone loved him so

I miss how his strong sense of character and
How he made me a better person.

I miss his selflessness and his giving spirit.

I miss his ability to make the best of any situation.

I miss the way that he loved his family and put us
First, even before himself.

I miss the way that he loved me like I was the center of his world.
I miss him…….

Monday, June 1, 2009

searching for me

I’ve been told so many times throughout my life that everything happens for a reason. And a big part of me believes that. I just don’t know that I can ever understand the reason that I have been given this cross to bear.

I am searching for answers, searching for my one day, searching for my new normal. But the last 2 years have been such turmoil I wonder if that can ever happen.

I feel like each time I take a step, I fall. But I get back up. Hopefully each time I get back up it will make me stronger and maybe one day I will be strong enough to bear this cross I have been given

It’s been 7 weeks since I’ve seen Donnie. It feels like an eternity. Time ticks by so slowly when you are in pain. Minutes can seem like hours. Not a day goes by that I haven’t missed him terribly. Not a day has gone by that I haven’t called his phone to listen to his voicemail because I miss the sound of his voice. Some days I call many times.

I am confused as to how I am supposed to move on with my life without him. He was my best friend. We shared everything. So many times each day I want to call him to tell him about what is going on in my day. I wonder how and when I will ever feel like “me” again without him.

I know what he wanted me to do. He told me. Many times in fact. He wanted me to be able to move on with my life and not get caught up in my grief. He wanted me to be happy again and go on with my life. I know that is what he wanted me to do but it is easier said than done. I think he would understand how much I miss him.

But each day I get up and I try again. I try to find that new normal. It’s painful, each step I take without him is so hard. It would be so much easier to crawl in the bed and shut out the world. But it wasn’t what he wanted me to do. And honestly it’s not what I want to do either. So I take each day as it comes and I keep flashlight walking and hopefully it will get atleast a little bit easier everyday and maybe one day I will be able to see further than just a few steps ahead.

So even though it isn’t easy, I get out of bed each day and search for “me” and that new normal and I hope that it will come. Still looking for that “one day”. But until that day comes, the one thing that brings me comfort is that one day I know that I will see him again. And what a great day that will be.