Wednesday, February 27, 2013

What dreams may come

In my last post I wrote about sitting in the closet of my house wanting to feel Donnie near me and wanting him to be able to tell me that it was ok that I had to sell the house.  I was missing him so and wanting to feel him near me. 
Well I got an email from a dear friend (family) She did not know about the post or anything I spoke of.  She had a dream.  She dreamed we had all come to her house, we had been moving and were tired and Donnie came in with us. She said he looked so good, khaki shorts, LSU shirt, full head of hair.  He wasn't sick.  She spoke to him and said we all looked at her like she was crazy and then in her dream she remembered that he had died.  She started crying telling him that he had to speak to us, that he had to let us know that he was there with us.   She said she woke up crying.  
What a special gift she gave to me.   She told Donnie he needed to tell us he was still with us.  He did.  Thru her.  
It's funny how Donnie always seems to answer me when I need it most.  I am a strong believer in the power of dreams.  
Before my grandmother passed, I had a dream that my grandfather came to me and told me that he was coming for her.   600 miles away she told my cousin to go get her shoes and her pink dress.  And when Bonnie asked her why, her response was "henry is on his way "  she died just a couple of days later.
I dreamed Donnie's death before he was even diagnosed. In my dream there was something in his chest, I didn't know what it was but I knew it was evil.  I remember screaming "GET IT OUT!GET IT OUT!" And i felt like someone was restraining me.   And it killed him.   The evil in his chest in my dream, is where his tumor was.   I had that dream 2 months before his diagnosis.  
Donnie has answered me thru dreams several times.  Just 6 weeks or so after Donnie passed, my son Justin was in a head on collision.  The truck was destroyed but Justin walked away without 1 scratch on him.   A friend of Donnies from San Antonio who I had never met emailed me that he dreamed of Donnie and Donnie told him that Justin was ok because he was with him.   I had gone to the cemetary just the day before and told Donnie what happened and asked if he was with him.   He answered me.
The day I decided to take off my wedding ring, I wasn't sure it was the right thing to do.  I struggled with the decision.   I wrote about it.  A very dear friend almost immediately emailed me begging me to call her right away.   She asked me was I in my bedroom in front of a mirror when i took off my ring.  I was.  She wanted to know if my bedroom was brown.   It was. She asked if I stood there with the box in my hand as I struggled with my decision.  I had.  There was no way for her to know any of those details.   Yet she knew them.   She had a dream the night before.   She said it was like she was inside the mirror watching me.  And as I stood there, Donnie was behind me.  Smiling. 

There were other instances that were similar to these.   He has given me several messages.

Thru Donnies battle with cancer, I became friends with a girl that ended up losing her husband shortly after I lost Donnie.   She went to see a medium.  The medium told her that our husbands would stay beside us until they knew that we would be ok. 

I had a dream about Donnie.  It was the 2nd week of May 2011.  I was in a house I had never seen before. I was standing at the kitchen sink washing dishes.  And I looked up out the window and Donnie was outside.  He was walking to his truck.   He looked so good.  He was heathly.   All of his hair.  His khakis and an LSU shirt.  I panicked.  I knew he was leaving.  I had to tell him goodbye.  I screamed WAIT!!!!!  And took off running for the door. I just had to get to him to tell him goodbye.   As I was running for the door, I stopped dead in my tracks in front of this huge picture window and he turned around.  Our eyes locked and Donnie smiled and in that moment, without saying a word, we said goodbye. No words were spoken aloud but I knew exactly what he was saying.  I woke up in tears.  It was so real.   I believe he came to me to tell me goodbye.   I believe that he knew that I would be ok. 

But even though he said goodbye to me that day.  I knew or I hoped that he still watched over me.  I wanted to know he was still there.  I wanted reassurance that he was ok with the choices I made.  And once again, when I needed him, Donnie visited Angel in her dream to let me know that he was still here,watching over us.  What an amazing gift for him to give me. 

Thank you Donnie, I still love you with all my heart and miss you every single day. 

Friday, February 8, 2013

An empty house

I walk thru this house and look around and what do I see? I see the kids on That first Christmas morning 12 years ago.  We moved in 3 days before Christmas.  It was the best gift we ever received.  Now here I stand 12 years later.  Alone. Donnie is gone and our world turned upside down. It's 4 days before Christmas and I am here in this house for the last time as I am on my way to sign the papers.  I have finally sold it.  Almost 4 years after losing Donnie, I am walking out of the home we made together.  It is bittersweet.  The house had become such a financial burden to me that I couldn't keep it.  So there was the relief of that burden being lifted.  But this was our home and I am walking away. We shared so many wonderful times here.  As I walk thru the house , I revisit those memories.......

I see our first Christmas, I see the kids first prom and homecoming pictures taken in front of the fireplace.  I can see Donnie sitting in his recliner with Caley asleep on his chest.  I see Shantel with her first car, coming in the driveway on two wheels and scaring me to no end.  I see baking cookies with the kids to give for Chritmas. I see Justin sitting in his room practicing his trombone and later his guitar.  I see the cat Izzy racing with Courtney to get to her room before Courtney shut her out.  I see the girls slumber parties, I see their fights.  I see Courtney leaning back in her chair at the table and daddy "popping"  her on back of the head. It will forever be known as the "Courtney pop" I see Caleys first steps. I watch Shantel become the most amazing Mom to that baby in that house.  I see our friends cooking on the back porch on Saturday night and playing washer boards.  I see Donnie and I snuggled up on the front porch swing watching it rain on a lazy afternoon.  I see all the family dinners and good times we shared.   I also see Donnie here sick.  I see our fight to save him.  And I feel so different here now.  I can still see all of those things.  But I don't have to be here to see them.   Strangely. This house isn't home anymore.  The home we made here is in our hearts.  We take it with us.   I walk thru this house and say goodbye to this house.   I go into Donnie's closet and close the door and sit on the floor.  There in the dark, I close my eyes and search for him.  After Donnie died I would curl up on the floor of that closet and cry at night.  It was the only place the kids couldn't hear my sobs.  And it still smelled like him even after he was gone.  Sitting here now, alone in the dark, it doesn't smell like him anymore.  I don't feel him the way I did before.    I want to.  I want him to take me in his arms and tell me it's ok.  Tell me it's ok that I had to sell the house    I want him to tell me he forgives me for letting this place go.    I want him to tell me that I have made all the best decisions that I could when he left.  I want him to tell me that I will be ok.  I want him to tell me that I can get thru losing another part of him.  I want nothing more than to hear his laughter ringing thruout this house as he chases the grand babies    Its so unfair that they won't experience here what our children did.  This was the only place that was ever truly " home" to my children and now I have taken that away from them.   I sit in the dark, alone in that empty closet, in that empty house and I cry.  I cried for everything we shared here and everything we lost.   I cry saying goodbye to the last tangible thing that Donnie and I shared.

And in all honesty, as I cry, I have hope.  I believe it is no coincidence that this house is selling almost 12 years to the day from us moving in.  I think that this house now is supposed to be home to Craig and Jennifer and their children.  They are good people.  They are in love with this house.   And I believe that it's time for this house to be home to another family.  It's time for them to make their own memories there.  And they have invited us to come to see them whenever we want to.  So in my sadness of walking away, I smile thru my tears happy with the hope that this house will bring them all the joy and happiness it brought to my family.  I hope the memories they make here sustain them for a lifetime.  The way ours will.

I have learned many things thru our journey of Donnie's cancer and losing him, but I have learned a couple of really big things.  One of them is " home isn't where you live, it's who you live with". I'm not leaving home today, it comes with me wherever I go.

I walk thru this house one more time, thru each room saying goodbye and I lock the door for the last time, I feel like I have done the right thing.  I think I have done the best that I could with the cards I was dealt. And I think the kids understand.   I hope they do at least.

Please keep myfamily in your prayers as mother battles breast cancer and my step mother continues to battle lung cancer.  I pray one day they find a cure so no one has to fight this awful beast.

For all that have followed our journey and  still do.  Thank you for your love and support.  It means so much to me.

Love to all
Keep praying