Tuesday, May 26, 2009

one day

One day

One day, I want to get thru a full day without crying.

One day, I want to smile without feeling guilty
One day, I want getting out of bed to not be such a struggle.

One day, I want normal everyday things to not seem like monumental tasks.

One day I want to be able to smile when I remember Donnie and not cry.

One day I want to not feel so alone.

One day I want to feel like I am not being judged

One day, I want to find a new normal.

One day, I want to not be so overwhelmed by life

One day, I want to be able to sleep again.

One day, I want to feel that it is ok to start living again.

One day, I want to enjoy life again.

One day, I want to learn how to live with this hurt.

One day, I don’t want to have to pretend that I am ok.

One day, I want to be happy again.

One day I want peace and quiet to not be such a lonely place

Maybe, One Day…………………..

Sunday, May 17, 2009

Nighttime is the worst. It is so hard for me to sleep without him here next to me.

People always ask "how are you?" if I said that I was good, I would be lying. So I give the standard "I'm ok" response even though it isn't the truth.Or I will say, "I miss him" and their response is "but he isn't suffering anymore" I know that they mean well but honestly, I don't miss him suffering. I miss the 13 plus years of our life before that. I miss him snoring next to me. I miss him holding my hand. I miss his 10 daily phone calls to me that always ended in I love you. I miss watching him play on the floor with Caley. I miss the way his eyes lit up when he laughed. I miss the way he could wrap his arms around me and tell me that everything was going to be ok and he could make the whole world go away. I miss my best friend, my partner, my soul mate and the love of my life!! I miss him. I miss so many things.

the silence without him here is deafening. it is almost unbearable. I am lost and don't know what to do without him.I get up each day and I get dressed and put on a good front most of the time but every step is a struggle without him.

I thought that I wouldn't make Justins graduation Thursday because I couldn't stop sobbing. I was so proud of Justin but at the same time was so broken hearted because Donnie wasn't here to share it with us. he wasn't able to sit next to me and applaud Justin's accomplishments. He was always so proud of him. I managed to make it thru graduation without sobbing but then sobbed all the way home. Justin's graduation party was Saturday. I think he had a good time. We smiled and we laughed and i came home and cried for almost 2 hours because it felt so wrong for Donnie not to be there.

I know that Donnie wouldn't want me to be so sad but at the same time, I know that he would understand. He was such a part of my soul. He was such a part of me and my world and there is a huge void there. Part of me is missing.

Today, I had an "aha" moment of exactly how alone I am without him. Everyone will tell me that I am not alone in this, but I am. I was Donnie's "number1" and he was mine. I'm not first on anyones list anymore. It doesnt mean that others don't love me, they just don't love me the way that Donnie did.

Donnie told me one of the reasons that he fell in love with me is because I was so independent. He said that when he met me that I didn't need him. I was just fine with taking care of myself. He said he admired my determination and will to take care of myself and the kids. He came into my heart and he changed that. He made me need him like I could never have imagined. I don't need him to take care of me. I need his love, without it I don't feel like me. He was my knight in shining armor and we were supposed to have our happily ever after but that isn't the way our fairy tale ended.I miss him so much.
I have been unable to write since Donnie passed. I will say that I am lost without him. I am unsure of what I am supposed to do without him. I miss him so much. There is a void in my heart and my life that no one can fill and it hurts so badly I could never describe the pain. I am getting up and going to work some now atleast. I don't sleep or eat too much but I try. I do make the effort. Everything I do seems to take a massive amount of effort. It is hard stepping back into the world without him. It is just wrong. It isn't supposed to be this way. This wasn't supposed to happen to us. I just miss everything about him. The kids seem to be getting back into a normal routine. I haven't been able to just yet. I take each day as it comes. The only way I can describe the way I am living right now is "flashlight walking" I can only see a few steps ahead of where I am at. I can't look any further, it is too overwhelming. So one step at a time. My mind knows that it will get easier in time, my heart doesn't believe it.Hopefully my will to write will come back as it was therapuetic for me during Donnie's illness. Love to all