Last week was hard on me. The golf tournament was bittersweet. I felt so loved by so many people and at the same time felt the emptiness and the void of him not being there. It really set me back. I feel I have been taking those steps and moving forward and then that just sent me back to the point that I didn’t want to get out of bed again. It was a big time struggle for me. I won’t lie, I wanted to give up. I wanted to stop trying and just crawl in my bed and pull the covers over my head and shut out the world. I am struggling with acceptance. I wonder if there will ever be a time when my life seems not so out of control.
That being said, it was a struggle and I didn’t do a whole lot and got back in the bed briefly last week. BUT, I got out again and am trying hard to keep on going and keep moving forward. I refuse to give up.
It is better this week. Not where I was or where I want to be, but better. I am out of bed and making that effort again. I am looking for my smile and working on being happy again. I am still trying.
Writing helps me. I have been told how much my writing moves other people and how it helps them. But I write for me. It is a release for the emotions that are consuming me at that time.
Another widow told me that I should write a letter to Donnie and then immediately answer it. (Write a letter to me from Donnie) because no one knew him better than me and I know exactly what he would say to me. She said to “just listen, you will find his words”. As I was struggling so much last week, I wrote the following. I wasn’t sure if I wanted to share it but I have shared everything else at this point so I won’t stop now.
How am I supposed to admit to myself that you are truly gone? How I am supposed to accept what has happened? I feel if I do, I am leaving you behind. I’m not ready to do that. But holding on so tightly hurts me so badly My fear is that letting go will hurt even more.
I know that you would be disappointed that I am struggling so much but I am trying every day. I really am. I feel that I am taking those steps to move on. I’m taking small steps, one at a time, but looking back over my shoulder the whole way for you. And when I feel I am getting too far away, I go running back. Back to you and your memory.
You came into my life and changed it so much. You changed me. For the first time in my life, I felt truly accepted and loved for who I was. I never knew I was worthy of that kind of love. You showed me what home was and that it wasn’t necessarily a place but who you were with. You became my home. You taught the children by example how a real man conducts himself. And you showed them what true love was by the way that you loved me. I can’t imagine what my life would have been like without you in it.
How in the world am I supposed to let go and move on? I don’t think I can do this without you.
I don’t know how.
I love you
Always and forever
I knew that this would be hard for you. I tried as best as I could to prepare you and give you the push you would need to move on with you life.
I don’t want you to be sad. I don’t want you to hold onto me. And I don’t want my memory to become your prison and what keeps you from moving on.
You made me so happy and I always knew how much you loved me. I know that no one in this world would have loved me more. You were my life!
But you have so much life left ahead of you and I am a chapter in yours.
You don’t have to leave me behind, take part of me with you in your heart. But you have to let go and move on with your life. You can’t stay where you are. I want you to be happy again.
I know that you are scared , but you can do this on your own. I believe in you. I always have. You just have to believe in yourself the way that I do.
I know it won’t be easy for you. It hurts and it will be hard. But you will be ok. I know you will. I believe in you and will always be with you.
I love you
Always and forever