Tuesday, June 30, 2009

Last night I cried

Last night I cried

Dear Donnie
Last night I cried. I cried a lot. It was a rough day. Every little thing reminded me of you I miss you everyday but some days are worse than others. Some days it is just too much. I went to see you yesterday, I talked to you as I always do. Could you hear me? Sometimes the words flow so freely and other times I don’t know where to begin because I have so much to say to you.

The day didn’t start out too badly but it just seemed to unravel on me. There was nothing remarkable that started it off, it’s just doing it all without you. The small everyday things. I miss you. I need you. The grief came in waves and the tears flowed so freely. I just don’t know how I am supposed to get thru this without you. Yet here I am this morning, still moving, still trying.

It’s been 75 days since you were here with me. Some days it feels like a lifetime and some days I still can’t believe that you are gone. Although I try not to think about that last day or even those last weeks, it has played like a movie in my head a thousand times, when I least expect it and I don’t know if it will ever stop. In the days leading up to it, you knew it was going to happen and you were worried about me and if I would be ok. On that last day as I lay in the bed next to you holding your hand, I believe with all of my heart that you heard every word that I spoke to you. I know that you knew how much I would miss you and how much I loved you and that I always would. I told you that we would be ok but I don’t know that I believe that. How can I ever be ok without you? There were so many times that you told me that I would be. I wish I had the confidence and faith in myself that you did.

There were so many more things for us to do, our future plans and dreams. Even though we knew our time was limited, I wasn’t ready for you to go, but I would never be ready. Still wanting one more hug, one more kiss, to hear your laugh just one more time. For 18 months we stared this monster in the face with you valiantly fighting the whole time. But we both knew it was a battle that you could not win. Oh how much I love you for fighting so hard for me. But I expected nothing less because you always did everything with me in mind. There was no doubt about how much you loved me.

I know that you are here, still with me, watching over me. The smallest things remind me of you. I want to call you at least a dozen times a day to tell you something. People say that they don’t know how I am functioning day to day. Sometimes I don’t know. But I pushed you to live for so long and now I feel like you are pushing me to live now so I keep trying. I know it is what you want me to do and I don’t want to disappoint you.

I still love you and that will never change. I will love you everyday of my life. Thank you for being everything that I ever needed.

I love you
Always and forever

1 comment:

Doreen said...

I have been following your blog for a long time, without comment, and have listened how you & Donnie struggled with each day of his sickness.

As with any sickness, the hardest part is not the caregiving, sleepless nights or doctor's appointments - it's letting your loved one go.

I remember when my oldest sister
(53) was dying and her husband would not let her go. He actually begged her to stay. My mom who moved in to their home along with my dad acted as caregivers along with my sister's husband.

After watching her daughter suffer every waking moment for six months with bone and lung cancer - she decided to ask God to take her. She also asked her son-in-law to pray for the strength to let her go. Through tears and prayers he finally told her it was ok to leave and he and the two children (17 & 19) would be ok.

My sister passed 10 years ago and it seems like only a few months. My dad passed of stomach cancer just a year after her. I still go to the phone to call her because I still miss her and still shed tears. The tears are fewer now than they were the first few years. I'm finding I remember only the funny, happy memories that we shared. Time is the greatest healer.

I can't imagine the pain of loosing a husband. I pray with time your tears will be replaced with smiles & laughter when you think about Donnie.