Wow, it’s been 15 weeks, that’s almost 4 months! I don’t think there will ever be a Thursday that I don’t think of that day he left me. There are some days that I still can’t believe that he is gone. But at the same time, it feels like a year since I have seen him. I still miss him every single day.
I think the hardest thing about acceptance for me is letting go of what my life was supposed to be. We had plans and knew where we were supposed to be down the road. We were supposed to be together , growing old, traveling and spoiling the grandkids. All of that has changed. So not only do I have to let go of the life that Donnie and I were living together day to day but I have to let go of our future plans. That is easier said than done. It’s hard to close the book on that chapter of my life and realize that it’s going to be different than I had planned it to be. It was comforting knowing what my future was supposed to be. I struggle now with fear of the unknown.
Donnie was my “go to”. When anything was wrong or anything stressed me out or upset me. He was immediately where I ran to for comfort. That is what is so hard right now, I don’t have him to comfort me and tell me everything is going to be alright. On Thursday afternoon my phone rang while I was eating dinner, I didn’t recognize the number but answered it and it was Justin. He said or should I say screeched “Momma, somebody just hit me head on”. As a mother, when I heard “Momma” I knew it was bad. By the time he finished his sentence, I had keys in hand and was running out the back door asking “where are you?” In an instant, my world was shaken. BIG TIME. Although I had heard Justin’s voice and I knew he was well enough to call me, it struck fear in my heart. I was a wreck. I just couldn’t get to him quickly enough. And the whole way there all that I could think was “ I need Donnie”. Justin is our son and I need him here with me to calm me and let me know that everything is going to be ok. By the grace of God, Justin and Sara were banged up but got out and were able to walk away from that accident. But, what kept racing thru my mind was “Oh my God, if something would have happened to Justin, I wouldn’t have been able to handle it”.
I have always been the type of person who tries to look for the good things and live life to it’s fullest every day because I know how precious this gift of life is. You go thru life knowing that bad things happen and that they can happen to you. BUT, that being said, when it DOES happen to you, it changes you. I almost live in fear. Waiting for that other shoe to drop. I hate it. Someone yanked the rug out from under me and turned my world upside down and I keep thinking that something else will happen. Fear is a evil powerful thing. I know that I will have to find the strength within to find the courage to face those fears and get my life back in order. I don’t want to live in fear of anything. My life is too precious and too short for that. Only problem is, I don’t know how.
Everyone keeps telling me how strong I am and how they don’t know how I do it. I don’t feel that strong. I feel scared, lost and alone most of the time and to be honest , sometimes I just do what I have to do at that moment to get thru to the next. I am learning how to deal with things the best that I can. I’m still searching for my new normal. Some days are just going thru the motions but there are days that I am smiling. Sometimes it is a smile on the outside and pain still in my heart and sometimes it is a true smile all the way thru. But then I feel guilty. Guilty for smiling without him here. I think to myself, How can you be happy about anything when Donnie isn’t here with you?
Then I try to remind myself that it was he wanted for me. He wants me to smile again and he wants me to be happy. So all I can do is keep pushing forward and keep on trying.