Thursday, April 23, 2009

It has been one week today. I still have no idea how i am supposed to go on without him.

I am posting the lyrics to a song my Mercy Me that describe exactly how I feel today. If you have never heard it, it is my profile song on my myspace page.

You're in a better place, I've heard a thousand times
And at least a thousand times I've rejoiced for you
But the reason why I'm broken, the reason why I cry
Is how long must I wait to be with you

I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
I've never been more homesick than now

Help me Lord cause I don't understand your ways
The reason why I wonder if I'll ever know
But, even if you showed me, the hurt would be the same
Cause I'm still here so far away from home

I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
I've never been more homesick than now

In Christ, there are no goodbye
And in Christ, there is no end
So I'll hold onto Jesus with all that I have
To see you again
To see you again

And I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
Won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
Won't you give me strength to make it through somehow

I've never been more homesick than now

Monday, April 20, 2009

Today was the 2nd worst day of my life. The worst was the day Donnie left me. How do I say goodbye to my soulmate? I am so lost without him. I don't know what to do with myself. The last few days are very much a blur. How am I supposed to continue on without him? My heart hurts so badly.I was truly touched by the number of people who came to pay their respects to Donnie. So many came from far away to pay their last respects to him. He touched so many lives. So many people loved him. Everyone has a Donnie story. There were so many wonderful things said about him. I was so proud to be his wife. I always have been. Now I sit and try to figure out who I am without him. I don't even know if I know how to be me without him. He was such a part of me and still is and always will be.Thank you to everyone for your support and wishes and prayers. They mean so much to me. I am at a loss for words, that is so unlike me so I will end this with my usual.
Love to all
Keep praying

Saturday, April 18, 2009

Donnie's arrangement..s have been updated as follows..
.Wake: Sunday, April 19th from 5-9
Visiting: Monday 10-12:30& Services at 12:30, at Ourso Funeral Home.
Burial will follow at Hope Haven Garden of Memories, on Hwy. 30 in Gonzales.

Friday, April 17, 2009

Thank you to everyone for your love and support. It means so very much to me and our family and I know what it would mean alot to Donnie as well.
Donnie fought a long and courageous battle against this cancer and I can honestly say he never complained. He showed so many of us what true courage was. He lived every day of the last 18 months like he didn't have cancer. He didn't want people to treat him any differently and they didn't. He had cancer but it didn't have him. During his fight he became our hero and last night he became our angel. He knew it was time and he was ready to go and he was surrounded by the people who loved him the most. He is at peace now and though I miss him so very much right now and I will forever, I am glad that he isn't suffering anymore.
The last week was hard on him but he was a true fighter.I can't imagine my world without Donnie. He is truly my soulmate and I am so lost that I don't know what to do. I am broken . I never knew that I could feel such physical pain from losing someone. I feel that my heart was ripped from my chest and thought I would never be able to breathe again.. I don't know how I will ever get thru this. I keep asking Donnie to help me and give me strength as he always did. I am sure that he will help me find it.

With that being said, I consider myself very fortunate to have been loved by Donnie. Before him, I never knew that I was worthy of such love. I am so proud to be his wife. He is the most amazing man I have ever known and this world just won't be the same without him in it. Donnie never met a stranger and I can honestly say I have never known of one person who didn't like Donnie. He was just that kind of man that drew you into him with his charm. He is the best thing that ever happened to me and I was blessed to have him. I am thankful that we were able to say our goodbyes. Donnie was able to tell the kids everything he needed them to know. He and I shared all the things that we needed to said all the things that we wanted to say and I know that there are no words left unspoken between us. I will cherish that for the rest of my life.

One of the last things that he told me when he was coherent was how much he loved me "always and forever' and he wanted to make sure I never forgot that. He told me he would wait for me on the other side of the path.

Rest in Peace my love and wait for me on the other side of that path where we will share our always and forever.

Saturday, April 11, 2009

I have tried to write an update several times over the last week. I will start and then I just can't finish it. It has been a tough week. for Donnie and for me. I am physically and mentally exhausted.
Donnie is tired. He has had times that his pain has gotten away from him. He tends not to want to take something for fear it will knock him out and then he waits too long to tell me he is hurting. He usually gets up for atleast an hour every morning , sometimes more but after a few hours at the most, he is usually back in bed the rest of the day.
The medicine makes him quite confused at times. It is hard. Hard to see him so confused.
We do try to make the most out of the time that we have together and spend whatever waking time he has enjoying each others company as much as possible. Still during all of this, Donnie is worried about me. Shows you the kind of man that he is. He is worried about how me and the kids will be after he is gone and how hard it will be for us to lose him.
He has had a few visitors. Although there were several days this week, he refused any visitors. He was just in too much pain (Sorry Matt) He had several visitors today and over did it because he didn't want to miss out on anyone or anything. He is still making sure that he says the things that he wants to say to people.
I have been sick this last week which hasn't made things any easier. I am just exhausted. And I still find myself questioning WHY? I know that God has a plan. I just can't see it right now and am sometimes struggling.
Thank you to Donnie's NTS family for the flowers and plants and lottery tickets every couple of days. They sure help to lighten his spirits and the room.
I don't have much else to post today. This has been a post that has taken atleast 5 times to finish so I need to go ahead and post it.
I hope everyone has a Happy Easter.
Love to all
Keep praying

Saturday, April 4, 2009

Donnie finally came home yesterday around 1:00. We had to wait for insurance and hospice approval and everything to be straight. The most important thing was making sure he was able to come home with a pain pump to control his pain. So we spent one last night in the hospital. They finally got us cleared to go around 12:00. I woke Donnie and told him that we were cleared to go home. He stretched his arms out and said "thank God, I get to go home"
They gave him quite a bit of pain meds to last him until we got home and got him on the pain pump. My brother Todd and friend Lisa made sure that the room was ready for when the hospital bed was delivered. He was fitful on the way home but it was an uneventful ride.
We got home and pulled up to the front door and you could see the joy on his face to be home. he wanted immediately in his recliner, then the couch, he couldn't make up his mind. It took a moment to get him settled. They got his pain pump hooked up and he mostly slept off and on the rest of the day. He slept so soundly, I guess he just needed to be at home. He was a bit out of it from the pain meds and was up and down throughout the night. He gets quite confused from the medicine. Needless to say it was a sleepless night, for me at least. I seem to be the only one who he will let help him as I can decipher what he is trying to say when can't make out the right words.
It was a long and emotional day for all of us. It was good to see him so happy to be home but so bittersweet at the same time for we knew what it meant.
Yesterday and today were the garage sale/jambalaya sale that was put on by our family and friends as a fundraiser. All I can say is that is was a huge success and we are deeply touched and thankful to be blessed with so many people who love and support us. Our community has just been amazing.
Donnie was up early this morning and was determined to be alert as much as possible and enjoy the family around him. He got up and had coffee with us and I wish I would have been prepared with the video camera for when Caley saw him. He tried to hold her in the chair but wasn't strong enough too so he sat down on the floor with her. She just couldn't get her arms around his neck enough. I don't know who was happier. Him or her. It was a beautiful moment to witness. It tugged at all of our heart strings.
He stayed awake for about 3 hours and was pretty lucid. He had moments of confusion but overall it was very good. We all needed it. He took a nap for a few hours and got up again for an hour or so. He got up 2 or 3 times today for brief periods. He sat on the swing momentarily and napped in his recliner. It was a good day for him but he was extremely exhausted. I think he was just so happy to be home. His pain seems to be fairly well controlled.

Some special notes to some special people.
To the staff at the oncology unit at Baton Rouge General. I cannot express how touched I was by the way that you all cared for Donnie and for me. It is refreshing to see people that do their jobs for the reason that they care for their patients. I think they have some very special people there and we can never say thank you enough for the difference that they made. Dustin, Cinda, Jamie, Tim, Trudy, Leslie, Tosha, Kim, Kim, Beth, Barbara, Rachel, Bruce, Kory, Chelsia, Maya, Jose, Angela and I know that I am bound to be forgetting someone but THANK YOU.

To our friends and family - I don't know where we would be without all of your support. Shelia for being Donnie's hospice nurse, Lisa, Mom, Shantel, Justin, Courtney, David, Daddy, Cheryl,Paige, Melissa, Missy , Sharon , Joyce, Sis, Bama, Bones, Bill, Danny and anyone else I am forgetting to mention. Thank you for working so hard to make today such a success. I know that everything that you did took time away from your family and we very much appreciate it and love you all.

Thank you to everyone for respecting our space and time as a family. Again if you want to see Donnie, please call me to see if he is up to visitors first. Thank you so much for understanding how hard this is for all of us.

God Bless you all and keep praying that Donnie will have many good days to spend with his family!
Love to all

Thursday, April 2, 2009

the toughest decision

I write today's blog with a heavy heart. It has been a rough week. Donnie made the decision today to stop treatment and go home with hospice. He is tired and wants to spend whatever time that he has left at home with his family.
I cannot thank all of you enough for your love and support of Donnie and I thru this. I ask that you continue to pray for God to ease his pain and give him quality time with our children and our family. As much as everyone wants to see and talk to Donnie. We ask that you give us a little bit of space to deal with the days ahead. If you would like to see or speak to Donnie please call me first to see if he would be up to it.. He has asked for no visitors right now.
please keep praying for our children as they are having a difficult time with this. please pray for strenth for me to be everything that Donnie needs me to be in the days ahead. he has always been everything that I have ever needed. My heart is his and it always will be.

keep praying
love to all

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

I think today is day 25 here. We thought Donnie would be in the hospital for a few days, a week at most. We never dreamed he would be here a month. He has had a rough few days. They finally seem to have his pain under better control but he is pretty heavily sedated most of the time. please continue to pray that this radiation will ease his pain so he can go home where he wants to be.
Love to all