Wednesday, April 15, 2015

6 years

6 years ago my whole world changed. We knew the time was near but didn't know how near. At 9:01 pm I lost my soul mate and best friend. Never again would I hear his laugh and see that twinkle in his eye. I would never again feel him wrap his arms around me and make the whole world go away. Never to see him crawling on the floor playing with Caley. He will never meet Ryder and be able to watch them both grow. Never will I ever hear him snore next to me. It's been 6 years and I still wonder how am I supposed to get thru the rest of my life without Donnie Reynolds. 

My world has changed so much in the last 6 years. I can't believe it's only been 6 years. It feels like an eternity since he held my hand. I haven't heard him say I love you in what feels like a lifetime. Since losing him, I have lost my mother, my step mother and his mother. I have been lost a lot of the time. 

A friend made a cancer donation in Donnies memory this week. That made me smile for him to be remembered so kindly. People seem afraid to mention his name. Like if they do, it will remind me he is gone. Like I could ever forget.

I know that everyone thinks I am over him. That I have moved on with my life. I have moved forward with my life but I will never be over him. Chris cant take his place or take away how much I miss him anymore than he can take my mother's place or take away how much I miss her. Chris made his own place in my heart. Love is love and I still miss him every single day. I can't expect anyone to understand. Sometimes I barely understand my self. I just know that there is a huge gaping whole in my heart since he left. 

I wonder if he could talk to me what he would say. Would he be proud of me for moving forward as he asked or would he wish I had done things differently? I can't help but think most of the time that if it had been the other way around and it had been me that died , that he would have done things so much better. That first year was a train wreck for sure. 

I miss him so freaking much. I miss how he could easily take away any worry on my mind or fear in my heart by just wrapping his arms around me and telling me it was going to be ok. Because it was , he always made sure of it. After losing him I have lived in fear of the other shoe dropping and it has. Several times. We all know we all really all going to leave this world but I guess losing him so young shook me to the core. Silence became my enemy for it screamed the truth. The "path" I had laid out for myself in my mind was gone. Someone had wiped the slate clean. And I had to find a way to search for my new path. 

Losing Donnie changed me in a way that I cannot even begin to describe. Losing my Mom's so shortly after changed me even more. I struggle sometimes each day to find the sunshine and reasons to smile. There are days I still want to crawl back into the bed and pull the covers over my head and shut out the world because living without them hurts too much. There are people who don't understand or even like the person I have become. They may not think I did things the way I should have after Donnie died. But no one handed me a manual telling me how to get thru each day. I did the best I could and still get thru each new day the best I can. Some think I am SO strong to have survived all I have been thru in the last 6 years. I didn't realize I had a choice. I don't know that I am so strong,I just keep putting one foot in front of the other. Life is short and time is precious. All we can do is make the most of what we are dealt and treasure those we love. I have great days and I have days I feel like I am barely hanging on and trying to make the most of this life until my time is done on this earth and I am finally reunited with Donnie. ( and Momma and Shelia and so many more ) 
I have been and am still so blessed to have loved someone who was so hard to say goodbye to. Even more blessed to find love again. As my Mom would say God is good all the time. 

So today I will cry more tears than normal as I remember him and I will smile thru those tears because of the wonderful 14 years we shared together. 
Rest in peace my love until we meet again. I love you always and forever.