Tuesday, April 16, 2013

Dear Donnie,

It’s been 4 years since you left us.  4 years.  208 weeks or 1,461 days.   Most of the time I feel like it has been so much longer because I feel your absence SO much.  Time ticks by so slowly when you are in pain. It feels like forever.   But at the same time, I can close my eyes and picture there next to me like you always were.   I remember for atleast the first year wanting time to pass so I would be further away from the pain of losing you.  Everyone said that time heals.  So I desperately wanted time to pass by quickly so the pain would be gone.  But the pain isn’t gone.  I have learned to live with it the best that I can.  I still miss you every single day.  There is still a part of me that is missing.  I don’t feel whole anymore.  The part of me that is missing is you.

  We were so blessed to share that kind of love.   Even though it means that I hurt as much as I do with you gone, the connection between us was truly special.   The pain that continues is worth what we shared.  I would do it all over again.  Oh how I wish we would have had more time.   There are so many things that I have wanted to tell you.  There are so many things I have wanted you to see.   A day doesn’t go by that I don’t want to tell you something.   I still have that “ I need to tell Donnie that”  or  “I need to ask Donnie, he will remember”   I miss our remember whens. So much of what we shared was just you and I so I can’t “remember when” anymore. 

I wish you could see Caley now.  She has grown so much.  I can’t even believe she is in kindergarten now.  How did that happen?   She was so little when you left us.  She is such a funny girl.  She can be so silly.  I know how you would have loved to be silly with her.   She is so beautiful.   And such a good big sister.  I can’t even fathom that you haven’t met Ryder and he won’t get to know you.  He is growing like a weed and just all boy.  He is a momma’s boy but I am sure that you would having none of that.  He would be a Poppys boy, just as Caley was a Poppy’s girl. 

Shantel is such a good mom.  Still overprotective as always, but really a good mom.  And Pat’s love for Caley reminds us all of you and how you loved the kids.  How they were yours.  No matter what anyone said.

Justin has become quite the pool shark.  You would be proud.  I wish you would have had more time together so he could have learned from you.  He’s pretty good.  He pouts when I kick his butt!  HAHA.  But I always remind him that you wouldn’t have given him any slack either.

Courtney has become quite the little career woman.  Being stubborn and persistent led to her last promotion.  I think you would have called it hard headed.  She hasn’t grown any taller.  Still the short little tutti butt she always has been.  I don’t think she will ever age. 

They have all grown up so much since you were here with us.  The kids have become young adults that you would be so proud of.   Losing you changed all of us.   In ways it made us stronger, because we learned what we could endure.  It made us appreciate the little things so much more. 

We all miss you so very much.  What I wouldn’t give just to hear you laugh.  I miss that.   There are so many things that we miss. 

But even though I struggle with losing you, somehow I have come out the other side. I learned to smile without you somehow.  I didn’t think I ever would.   The pain is still there, I guess I have just managed to figure out a way for the pain and happiness to coexist somehow.   You knew I would.  You always believed in me.  And you told me that I would get to this point.   You told me it wouldn’t be easy but I would make it.   You were right.  ( Yeah yeah, I know you always were)   It still isn’t easy but I do try every day to make you proud.  I don’t always make the right decisions and I can still screw things up pretty good. ( and you aren’t here to clean it all up for me)  But I try.  I have the best intentions.

I still THANK GOD every day for the blessing you were to me.

I love you still
Always and Forever

Tuesday, April 9, 2013

5 years

Written feb 28,2013
It  just hit me this morning when I looked at the calendar. It overwhelmed me and the grief came crashing down on me all over again. 5 years ago today, Donnie and I stood together in the Valley of Fire, right outside of Vegas renewing our wedding vows. We were celebrating 10 years of marriage a little early. For he was sick and we didn't know what the future held for us. How precious those moments were to me. Here Donne was fighting for his life. How did we get here? I remember back to our wedding day. We were so young. So in love. We had the future in front of us and endless possibilities. that map of our lives was drawn out before us. Growing old together. Raising kids and then spoiling grand babies. As we said those vows, till death do us part, there was no way of knowing that we only had 11 years. In some ways 11 years is a long time. When it's the amount of time you have left to spend with your soul mate, it's gone in the blink of an eye. I remember as we danced to our wedding song with Donnie holding me in his arms, for the first time in my life, I knew I was exactly where I was supposed to be. I had never been more happy or more content. I was marrying the most amazing man I had ever met. The most amazing father. My life was falling into place to have my happily ever after. The song played and looking back at the words of that song, some are so poignant now. 
What I wouldn't give to share another dance with Donnie. Just to feel his arms around me one more time. To look into those baby blues...... I miss him so. 
And I remember standing in the desert, just he and I , 5 years ago today. Those vows had taken on a whole new meaning. In sickness, was our everyday life and till death do us part was staring us down. It was so special to reaffirm the love and the life we shared together no matter how short our life together was. We shared 14 wonderful years together here on this earth. But Donnie lives forever in my soul and I know one day, I will see him again and we can share eternity together. 
Happy anniversary Donnie! I will always love you.

Our song
Me and you (Kenny Chesney)

Ordinary no, really don't think so
Not a love this true
Common destiny, we were meant to be
Me and you

Like a perfect scene from a movie screen
We're a dream come true
Suited perfectly for eternity
Me and you

Everyday, I need you even more
And the night time too
There's no way I could ever let you go
Even if I wanted to

Everyday I live, try my best to give
All I have to you
Thank the stars above that we share this love.   

Me and you

Everyday, I need you even more
And the night time too
There's no way I could ever let you go
Even if I wanted to

Ordinary no, I really don't think so
Just a precious few
Ever make it last, get as lucky as
Me and you
Me and you