We had Caley’s birthday party on Sunday. I can’t believe that she is 2 already. She has grown so much so fast. It was such a joy to watch her enjoy her day opening her presents and eating her cake. She made me smile so much. But at the same time, my heart was breaking. I know how much fun Donnie would have had with her. I know how much he would have enjoyed watching her and helping her open her presents. But I know in my heart that he was there. He was watching over her. The bond that they shared was pretty remarkable. It’s been 11 weeks since Donnie passed and he was in the hospital for a month before that. She still lights up when she sees his picture. I love that she remembers him but at the same time I worry about the time when she doesn’t remember him and how much that will hurt.
I still find myself thinking “ I have to tell Donnie” over so many things in my life. The things that make me smile , the things that make me cry or make me mad, things that make me laugh out loud. I shared everything with him. It’s so hard without him. Sometimes I still can’t believe he isn’t here with me. The hardest thing is that he is always the one who could make everything better for me. He could comfort me like no other.
I will be honest, I still cry everyday. Some days more than others. Part of me is still angry. Donnie deserved so much more life than he had. He lived what life he had to the fullest and had no regrets but he still deserved more. I know that everything happens for a reason and that God has a plan. I have heard it all before and in my heart, I know that it is true. I don’t understand it though. God himself could come to me and tell me what the reason was and it still wouldn’t be good enough for me. I want him here with me. I don’t know that you could convince me that there is a good reason for him to not be here with us.
I put on a good front most days. It’s hard to know what to do. I am always wondering if this is how I am supposed to feel or supposed to act. I know that I need to quit worrying about what I am supposed to do and do what feels right and works for me. I am working hard on smiling again.
I keep pushing forward a little at a time. I still trip and fall, seems like daily, but I get up and keep on going. It’s what he wanted. It’s what I want. I just wish it wasn’t so hard. I pray every day for the strength to travel this rock strewn road before me.
Maybe one day…..