I’ve been told there are 5 stages of grief. Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance. I think I can go from one of these to the next in a matter of moments.
Seems to me recently I have been spending some time in the anger stage. Part of me is ashamed to admit it, but I have been very honest in my writing so I won’t stop now. There have been moments, although very few and very brief, when I have found myself angry with Donnie for leaving me. As soon as the thought crosses my mind, I am ashamed of myself for that thought. He didn’t leave me by choice. And I think it is just horrible of me for that thought to even enter my mind!! I think it is my frustration of not understanding why that makes me angry.
Bargaining? I do that all the time. I would give anything to have him back.
Denial?- yeah sometimes I don’t want to believe he is gone.
Depression?- that’s a no brainer, depression has definitely had its hold on me. Acceptance?- not at all. I haven’t accepted that he is gone. I can’t explain why. I know he’s gone. I know he’s not coming back. But I haven’t completely accepted that fact. It’s a hard thing to explain without experiencing it. I almost fell that there should be another stage in there. FEAR- fear of the unknown, the what now?, the “how do I do this alone?”. Right now I fear acceptance. I am afraid that acceptance will be devastating to my heart. It may sound crazy but I am afraid acceptance will be like losing him all over again. I know to most people this won’t make sense but to those of you who have experienced profound grief , it may make perfect sense.
My weekend was good. I went fishing with friends. Well I don’t know if you can technically call it fishing if you don’t catch any fish but I went and threw the bait in the water. I had smiles and laughs and had a good time and it was really good for me to step out of my every day reality and allow myself to enjoy life for a couple of days. You just can’t realize how monumental that is for me
Yesterday was the Team Donnie Memorial golf tournament. I think it was a huge success. I am always touched by the people of this parish that will come out to support each other. I was truly touched. It was an emotionally heart wrenching day for me though. It was bittersweet for the most part. Great to see all of Donnie’s friends and awesome to see the support that I have from so many people but sad because Donnie wasn’t there. I did ok most of the day until the golfers came in. As I sat and looked around, I saw all of these guys eating and laughing and as I looked at all of his friends, I could picture him there with them. In his sun visor with his hands on his hips , laughing at and cutting up with the guys. I knew that I would never see him that way again. I think I felt my heart fracture again in that moment. It hurt. From that moment on, it was a struggle to keep myself composed. I made it a couple more hours before having to leave. And of course, I went to see Donnie. It’s been a couple of weeks since I broke down like that. I fell apart. I guess it’s good that I don’t have breakdowns every day anymore. Sometimes I think it is good for me to get it out. I was exhausted by the time I got home. Physically and mentally. It seems every time I think that I am standing and taking those steps, I fall again. I fell hard yesterday. But the important thing is that I got up again today and am trying again. I am confused and most of the time I don’t know what to do next or how I will get thru another day. BUT each time I get up and keep on trying. It’s all any of us can do.
I don’t know that I can say that I will ever get over losing Donnie. But I can say that even though it is the hardest thing I have ever done, I keep digging deep and finding the strength to keep on trying. Trying to move on and find my new normal. Thanks to the people that love me and keep me going from day to day. I don’t know what I would do without them. I still feel like I am “flashlight walking” and can only see just a few steps in front of me. BUT I can see the lights of my friends and family up ahead calling out to me and ready to help shine their lights for me to find my way.
I’ll get there……………………………..