searching for me

I’ve been told so many times throughout my life that everything happens for a reason. And a big part of me believes that. I just don’t know that I can ever understand the reason that I have been given this cross to bear.

I am searching for answers, searching for my one day, searching for my new normal. But the last 2 years have been such turmoil I wonder if that can ever happen.

I feel like each time I take a step, I fall. But I get back up. Hopefully each time I get back up it will make me stronger and maybe one day I will be strong enough to bear this cross I have been given

It’s been 7 weeks since I’ve seen Donnie. It feels like an eternity. Time ticks by so slowly when you are in pain. Minutes can seem like hours. Not a day goes by that I haven’t missed him terribly. Not a day has gone by that I haven’t called his phone to listen to his voicemail because I miss the sound of his voice. Some days I call many times.

I am confused as to how I am supposed to move on with my life without him. He was my best friend. We shared everything. So many times each day I want to call him to tell him about what is going on in my day. I wonder how and when I will ever feel like “me” again without him.

I know what he wanted me to do. He told me. Many times in fact. He wanted me to be able to move on with my life and not get caught up in my grief. He wanted me to be happy again and go on with my life. I know that is what he wanted me to do but it is easier said than done. I think he would understand how much I miss him.

But each day I get up and I try again. I try to find that new normal. It’s painful, each step I take without him is so hard. It would be so much easier to crawl in the bed and shut out the world. But it wasn’t what he wanted me to do. And honestly it’s not what I want to do either. So I take each day as it comes and I keep flashlight walking and hopefully it will get atleast a little bit easier everyday and maybe one day I will be able to see further than just a few steps ahead.

So even though it isn’t easy, I get out of bed each day and search for “me” and that new normal and I hope that it will come. Still looking for that “one day”. But until that day comes, the one thing that brings me comfort is that one day I know that I will see him again. And what a great day that will be.