Monday, June 29, 2009

I want nothing more than to hear his voice or see him walk thru the door at the end of the day. I want someone to wake me and tell me that this isn’t real , that this didn’t happen. There are so many questions that will never be answered. The what if’s and the what now and why him.

I get up every day and I try. I find reason to get out of bed. I try to find a reason to smile. I make myself do things that I know I will enjoy. It’s what I need to do. It is what I WANT to do. Its what HE wanted me to do. I just wish it didn’t hurt so much..

How do I keep moving forward without him? Honestly, if he had not pushed me so hard to try to move on with my life, I would still be in bed with the covers over my head. But I figure, I pushed him for 18 months and he fought so hard for me that the least I can do is try to do what he wanted me to do. I only wish I had his courage. It just feels wrong without him

A very big part of me died when Donnie died and what’s left of me is trying to figure out how to live again. I know that each step that I take without him will be painful for quite a while. But what I am hoping is that each obstacle that I overcome and each time I get up after I fall, I get a little bit stronger and the next time it won’t be so hard. Thankfully I am surrounded by people who love me, who help me up when I fall. I don’t know what I would do without them.

I’m still searching for my “one day” Each day, I continue to try, I get out of bed, I smile, I laugh, I cry and I miss him so very much. I’m still lost but hopefully “one day” I will be able to look inside myself and find “me” again.

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