Thursday, June 18, 2009

Still searching

I am still searching. Searching for a place in my heart that doesn’t hurt. Seeking the courage to get up every day and keep trying without him. Looking for some sort of normal and feeling my heart break every day because it needs him here with me.

How is wish that I would wake up and this would have all been just a nightmare. But as the dawn of each new day arrives, along with it comes the awful truth and the pain that it brings with it.

Words can’t describe the emptiness that I feel and how deafening the silence is. The fear of spending the rest of my life without him is now my reality. Cancer has robbed us of our happily ever after. I cling desperately to my faith,praying that I will find the strength to somehow move on and live the life that he wants me to live. I just wish it didn’t hurt so much.

It’s been said that time heals all wounds. But honestly I don’t believe that. I don’t think that time heals our wounds, but my hope is that one day I will learn to live with this pain and the cross I have been given to bear. One day at a time, one hour and sometimes even one minute at a time. Taking small steps and continuing to put one foot in front of the other and each time I stumble and fall,seeking the courage and the strength to pull myself back up and accept the path that is before me. Leaving behind a part of myself and still bringing him with me .Letting go of the life that I had planned. Drying my eyes yet again ,facing my fears and hoping that I am stronger than I think I am. Finding the confidence in myself that Donnie had in me. Realizing that giving up isn’t the same as letting go. Holding on to those precious memories and cherishing each moment of the gift of love that I was given. Hoping that one day the light will shine brighter and I will be able to see more than just the next step and praying that Donnie will be with me all the while, helping me to find my way.

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