Thursday, January 7, 2010

I am being told by so many people after my last blog how proud they are of me and how proud Donnie would be too.

I won’t lie and say it’s easy. By far it isn’t easy moving on in my life without him. I have been holding onto my grief as my connection to Donnie. I can’t do that anymore. I don’t want to do that anymore. I think part of me felt like if I try to let go of that grief that I am going to forget him or not love him anymore. I know that isn’t the case.

BUT with that being said, actually letting go of my grief isn’t as easy as saying it.

I really want to leave this grief behind. I want to move forward in my life. I try every day to count the blessings that I have been given. It can be difficult, that is for sure. But I am working to focus on the now, and what is good in my life. But that grief can still sneak up on me and drag me back to those places that I don’t want to go. And sometimes it is when I least expect it. I will be rolling along thinking that I am getting a handle on things and here it comes jumping out of the shadows and slamming into me again. But I think what is finally starting to happen, is that after it slams me to the ground and knocks the wind out of me, I manage to get back up. Sometimes pretty quick, sometimes longer. But that desire to keep getting back up is being fueled! So I think that is a good thing. It doesn’t mean I am not still sad for losing him. Part of me will always be sad for losing him and there is a fracture in my heart that will never heal. But I’m not broken. And I don’t want to be treated like I am. I have to learn to live with this fracture but it doesn’t mean I need to be fixed. That starts a whole new train of thought.

I can’t be fixed. No one can wave that magic wand or put a band-aid on me and make everything that happened disappear or make me forget Donnie. Because if that is the case , I definitely don’t want to be fixed. Loving Donnie and even losing Donnie helped to shape the person that I am today. I don’t want someone to “fix” me or “make me forget” or “rescue” me or whatever. The only thing that I want is acceptance. I am who I am, scars and all. This is me and I like who I am. No amount of happiness now can change what I have been thru. But it doesn’t mean that I can’t be happy again. My future is only possible because of my past. I will never “get over it”. All I can do is keep moving forward. I am still “flashlight walking” and can only see a couple of steps ahead but I am still looking ahead searching for that brighter light that allows me to see beyond today or tomorrow. Hopefully I will see it soon. Maybe one day.

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