I find lately I have found my smile again. Not that I haven’t smiled in the last 40 weeks but my TRUE smiles were few and far between at times and when I did I would feel guilty for it. I am smiling again like I haven’t since I don’t even remember when. It feels good to smile.
Maybe it’s because I finally decided that I needed to quit beating myself up for enjoying myself and for trying to move on with my life. A friend of mine told me it was time to “cut yourself some slack”. I knew that. But maybe I just needed someone else to point it out to me.
I have hung on tightly to my grief like a warm blanket. I felt that it kept me close to Donnie and if I tried to let it go it was like letting him go and losing him all over again. I felt if I let go that it would mean that I was forgetting him and what we had. Now, I know that these are not rational thoughts, but who ever said grief was rational anyway? I know now that Donnie will always be with me. I can’t hold onto that grief that way any longer.
I have decided that I deserve to be happy again. It’s what I want. And I know it’s what Donnie wanted for me as well. He didn’t want me to feel guilty for still living when he couldn’t. But feeling guilty is what I have been doing and I think it is about time that I stop. Me feeling guilty or standing still in my life won’t bring him back. I have come to the realization that I still matter. I have spent so much time taking care of everyone else my whole life that I didn’t know how to take care of myself or do for myself. But it’s time now. It’s time for me to be happy. I’m getting there.