Saturday, August 8, 2009

This is a 2 part post. The first part was written at a very low point last week and I didn’t want to post it until I found something more encouraging in me to go with it.

battling the beast

There are days and times that I think that I will get thru this and somehow be a stronger person but then there are days that I have been having a lot of lately when I am struggling to beat back the beast that is depression.

I have felt so defeated and have felt that way for a couple of weeks off and on. I am struggling with everything. It’s been a terribly rough week and everything that could go wrong seems to have gone wrong. And it has made me feel discouraged and defeated. I was doing ok one day and then the next day it all seemed to come crashing down around me again. So I was struggling, but still ok. Somedays I just can’t shake it. It has gotten the better of me. I want to run home and crawl back into my bed and pull the covers over my head and shut out the world.

Maybe I was crazy to think I was strong enough to get thru this. I guess I was wrong. Score 1 for the beast.

Part 2.

Before I am inundated with phone calls about this telling me that I need to get out of bed and I need to do things and not feel this way. Trust me, I am trying. I really am. I don’t want to feel this way. And as hard as it is, I am still fighting every day. I am just having a harder fight lately. BUT I AM TRYING

The only way I can describe it is that I am in a fist fight and I am getting my ass kicked and I have been for quite a while. And each time I get knocked down I get back up and keep fighting. Well I feel like I am on the ground being kicked and I don’t know how to get up again to continue getting my ass kicked. It’s like I want to throw my hands up and say “OKAY, ENOUGH ALREADY”! BUT, I’m not. I am just tired. This isn’t an easy fight. But still I am searching for the strength to get back up and keep going.

How do you put up your fists and fight a monster that you can’t even see?

The one thing that helps me get back up the most is Donnie. The way he fought inspired me and his fight was so much worse than the one I am fighting now. And I know what he would have given to be able to continue that fight, so I will continue to get up and try again every day. Maybe one day, it won’t be so hard.

Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the little voice at the end of the day that says I'll try again tomorrow

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