Tuesday, August 25, 2009

finding me

Finding “ Me”

There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t miss Donnie. There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t think about him and talk to him. My heart still aches for him. It’s been almost 5 months without him. It seems like forever. There are some days I still wonder what I am supposed to do without him. There are days that I am a complete mess. BUT, all that being said, there are some days that I find myself smiling again. A true smile. Not just a smile that is masking the pain.

For the first time in a very long time, I am having moments that I feel like “me” again. I wish I could say that I felt like “me” all the time. But, I know it is still going to take time. I am taking those baby steps towards finding myself again and learning to live without Donnie. It is hard finding my place in the world without him.

I am so blessed to have been loved by Donnie. For however a short of time that God gave us, I cherish every moment that we had together. It isn’t easy, but I know that I have to learn to move on in my life. I have to accept the reality of everything that has happened and face my future without him.

For almost the last 2 years my life has been all about taking care of what Donnie needed. And rightfully so. I wouldn’t change a thing that I did. But, now I have to figure out how to take care of “me” again. I have to put some of that effort into going on with my life and trying to be happy. I know it is what he wanted and it’s what I want too. I DO want to be happy again.

I don’t think I can ever “get over” losing Donnie. I just have to find a way to deal with the pain. Sometimes it’s one day at a time, sometimes its one hour or minute at a time. But its all I can do. I would give ANYTHING to have him back but I know that can never be.

So, all I can do is keep seeking the courage to try to move forward with my life. That doesn’t mean that I am forgetting him. It doesn’t mean that I don’t love him. It means I am deciding that I still matter. (regardless of how other people perceive that). It means that I still deserve happiness, even though he isn’t here to share it with me.

It’s not easy and I’m sure it won’t get easier anytime soon. But, I have my flashlight and all I can do is keep on walking and searching for “me”. Hopefully that light will shine brighter soon….… It will take time but I’ll get there.

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