In my last post I wrote about sitting in the closet of my house wanting to feel Donnie near me and wanting him to be able to tell me that it was ok that I had to sell the house. I was missing him so and wanting to feel him near me.
Well I got an email from a dear friend (family) She did not know about the post or anything I spoke of. She had a dream. She dreamed we had all come to her house, we had been moving and were tired and Donnie came in with us. She said he looked so good, khaki shorts, LSU shirt, full head of hair. He wasn't sick. She spoke to him and said we all looked at her like she was crazy and then in her dream she remembered that he had died. She started crying telling him that he had to speak to us, that he had to let us know that he was there with us. She said she woke up crying.
What a special gift she gave to me. She told Donnie he needed to tell us he was still with us. He did. Thru her.
It's funny how Donnie always seems to answer me when I need it most. I am a strong believer in the power of dreams.
Before my grandmother passed, I had a dream that my grandfather came to me and told me that he was coming for her. 600 miles away she told my cousin to go get her shoes and her pink dress. And when Bonnie asked her why, her response was "henry is on his way " she died just a couple of days later.
I dreamed Donnie's death before he was even diagnosed. In my dream there was something in his chest, I didn't know what it was but I knew it was evil. I remember screaming "GET IT OUT!GET IT OUT!" And i felt like someone was restraining me. And it killed him. The evil in his chest in my dream, is where his tumor was. I had that dream 2 months before his diagnosis.
Donnie has answered me thru dreams several times. Just 6 weeks or so after Donnie passed, my son Justin was in a head on collision. The truck was destroyed but Justin walked away without 1 scratch on him. A friend of Donnies from San Antonio who I had never met emailed me that he dreamed of Donnie and Donnie told him that Justin was ok because he was with him. I had gone to the cemetary just the day before and told Donnie what happened and asked if he was with him. He answered me.
The day I decided to take off my wedding ring, I wasn't sure it was the right thing to do. I struggled with the decision. I wrote about it. A very dear friend almost immediately emailed me begging me to call her right away. She asked me was I in my bedroom in front of a mirror when i took off my ring. I was. She wanted to know if my bedroom was brown. It was. She asked if I stood there with the box in my hand as I struggled with my decision. I had. There was no way for her to know any of those details. Yet she knew them. She had a dream the night before. She said it was like she was inside the mirror watching me. And as I stood there, Donnie was behind me. Smiling.
There were other instances that were similar to these. He has given me several messages.
Thru Donnies battle with cancer, I became friends with a girl that ended up losing her husband shortly after I lost Donnie. She went to see a medium. The medium told her that our husbands would stay beside us until they knew that we would be ok.
I had a dream about Donnie. It was the 2nd week of May 2011. I was in a house I had never seen before. I was standing at the kitchen sink washing dishes. And I looked up out the window and Donnie was outside. He was walking to his truck. He looked so good. He was heathly. All of his hair. His khakis and an LSU shirt. I panicked. I knew he was leaving. I had to tell him goodbye. I screamed WAIT!!!!! And took off running for the door. I just had to get to him to tell him goodbye. As I was running for the door, I stopped dead in my tracks in front of this huge picture window and he turned around. Our eyes locked and Donnie smiled and in that moment, without saying a word, we said goodbye. No words were spoken aloud but I knew exactly what he was saying. I woke up in tears. It was so real. I believe he came to me to tell me goodbye. I believe that he knew that I would be ok.
But even though he said goodbye to me that day. I knew or I hoped that he still watched over me. I wanted to know he was still there. I wanted reassurance that he was ok with the choices I made. And once again, when I needed him, Donnie visited Angel in her dream to let me know that he was still here,watching over us. What an amazing gift for him to give me.
Thank you Donnie, I still love you with all my heart and miss you every single day.
Wednesday, February 27, 2013
Friday, February 8, 2013
An empty house
I walk thru this house and look around and what do I see? I see the kids on That first Christmas morning 12 years ago. We moved in 3 days before Christmas. It was the best gift we ever received. Now here I stand 12 years later. Alone. Donnie is gone and our world turned upside down. It's 4 days before Christmas and I am here in this house for the last time as I am on my way to sign the papers. I have finally sold it. Almost 4 years after losing Donnie, I am walking out of the home we made together. It is bittersweet. The house had become such a financial burden to me that I couldn't keep it. So there was the relief of that burden being lifted. But this was our home and I am walking away. We shared so many wonderful times here. As I walk thru the house , I revisit those memories.......
I see our first Christmas, I see the kids first prom and homecoming pictures taken in front of the fireplace. I can see Donnie sitting in his recliner with Caley asleep on his chest. I see Shantel with her first car, coming in the driveway on two wheels and scaring me to no end. I see baking cookies with the kids to give for Chritmas. I see Justin sitting in his room practicing his trombone and later his guitar. I see the cat Izzy racing with Courtney to get to her room before Courtney shut her out. I see the girls slumber parties, I see their fights. I see Courtney leaning back in her chair at the table and daddy "popping" her on back of the head. It will forever be known as the "Courtney pop" I see Caleys first steps. I watch Shantel become the most amazing Mom to that baby in that house. I see our friends cooking on the back porch on Saturday night and playing washer boards. I see Donnie and I snuggled up on the front porch swing watching it rain on a lazy afternoon. I see all the family dinners and good times we shared. I also see Donnie here sick. I see our fight to save him. And I feel so different here now. I can still see all of those things. But I don't have to be here to see them. Strangely. This house isn't home anymore. The home we made here is in our hearts. We take it with us. I walk thru this house and say goodbye to this house. I go into Donnie's closet and close the door and sit on the floor. There in the dark, I close my eyes and search for him. After Donnie died I would curl up on the floor of that closet and cry at night. It was the only place the kids couldn't hear my sobs. And it still smelled like him even after he was gone. Sitting here now, alone in the dark, it doesn't smell like him anymore. I don't feel him the way I did before. I want to. I want him to take me in his arms and tell me it's ok. Tell me it's ok that I had to sell the house I want him to tell me he forgives me for letting this place go. I want him to tell me that I have made all the best decisions that I could when he left. I want him to tell me that I will be ok. I want him to tell me that I can get thru losing another part of him. I want nothing more than to hear his laughter ringing thruout this house as he chases the grand babies Its so unfair that they won't experience here what our children did. This was the only place that was ever truly " home" to my children and now I have taken that away from them. I sit in the dark, alone in that empty closet, in that empty house and I cry. I cried for everything we shared here and everything we lost. I cry saying goodbye to the last tangible thing that Donnie and I shared.
And in all honesty, as I cry, I have hope. I believe it is no coincidence that this house is selling almost 12 years to the day from us moving in. I think that this house now is supposed to be home to Craig and Jennifer and their children. They are good people. They are in love with this house. And I believe that it's time for this house to be home to another family. It's time for them to make their own memories there. And they have invited us to come to see them whenever we want to. So in my sadness of walking away, I smile thru my tears happy with the hope that this house will bring them all the joy and happiness it brought to my family. I hope the memories they make here sustain them for a lifetime. The way ours will.
I have learned many things thru our journey of Donnie's cancer and losing him, but I have learned a couple of really big things. One of them is " home isn't where you live, it's who you live with". I'm not leaving home today, it comes with me wherever I go.
I walk thru this house one more time, thru each room saying goodbye and I lock the door for the last time, I feel like I have done the right thing. I think I have done the best that I could with the cards I was dealt. And I think the kids understand. I hope they do at least.
Please keep myfamily in your prayers as mother battles breast cancer and my step mother continues to battle lung cancer. I pray one day they find a cure so no one has to fight this awful beast.
For all that have followed our journey and still do. Thank you for your love and support. It means so much to me.
Love to all
Keep praying
Robin
I see our first Christmas, I see the kids first prom and homecoming pictures taken in front of the fireplace. I can see Donnie sitting in his recliner with Caley asleep on his chest. I see Shantel with her first car, coming in the driveway on two wheels and scaring me to no end. I see baking cookies with the kids to give for Chritmas. I see Justin sitting in his room practicing his trombone and later his guitar. I see the cat Izzy racing with Courtney to get to her room before Courtney shut her out. I see the girls slumber parties, I see their fights. I see Courtney leaning back in her chair at the table and daddy "popping" her on back of the head. It will forever be known as the "Courtney pop" I see Caleys first steps. I watch Shantel become the most amazing Mom to that baby in that house. I see our friends cooking on the back porch on Saturday night and playing washer boards. I see Donnie and I snuggled up on the front porch swing watching it rain on a lazy afternoon. I see all the family dinners and good times we shared. I also see Donnie here sick. I see our fight to save him. And I feel so different here now. I can still see all of those things. But I don't have to be here to see them. Strangely. This house isn't home anymore. The home we made here is in our hearts. We take it with us. I walk thru this house and say goodbye to this house. I go into Donnie's closet and close the door and sit on the floor. There in the dark, I close my eyes and search for him. After Donnie died I would curl up on the floor of that closet and cry at night. It was the only place the kids couldn't hear my sobs. And it still smelled like him even after he was gone. Sitting here now, alone in the dark, it doesn't smell like him anymore. I don't feel him the way I did before. I want to. I want him to take me in his arms and tell me it's ok. Tell me it's ok that I had to sell the house I want him to tell me he forgives me for letting this place go. I want him to tell me that I have made all the best decisions that I could when he left. I want him to tell me that I will be ok. I want him to tell me that I can get thru losing another part of him. I want nothing more than to hear his laughter ringing thruout this house as he chases the grand babies Its so unfair that they won't experience here what our children did. This was the only place that was ever truly " home" to my children and now I have taken that away from them. I sit in the dark, alone in that empty closet, in that empty house and I cry. I cried for everything we shared here and everything we lost. I cry saying goodbye to the last tangible thing that Donnie and I shared.
And in all honesty, as I cry, I have hope. I believe it is no coincidence that this house is selling almost 12 years to the day from us moving in. I think that this house now is supposed to be home to Craig and Jennifer and their children. They are good people. They are in love with this house. And I believe that it's time for this house to be home to another family. It's time for them to make their own memories there. And they have invited us to come to see them whenever we want to. So in my sadness of walking away, I smile thru my tears happy with the hope that this house will bring them all the joy and happiness it brought to my family. I hope the memories they make here sustain them for a lifetime. The way ours will.
I have learned many things thru our journey of Donnie's cancer and losing him, but I have learned a couple of really big things. One of them is " home isn't where you live, it's who you live with". I'm not leaving home today, it comes with me wherever I go.
I walk thru this house one more time, thru each room saying goodbye and I lock the door for the last time, I feel like I have done the right thing. I think I have done the best that I could with the cards I was dealt. And I think the kids understand. I hope they do at least.
Please keep myfamily in your prayers as mother battles breast cancer and my step mother continues to battle lung cancer. I pray one day they find a cure so no one has to fight this awful beast.
For all that have followed our journey and still do. Thank you for your love and support. It means so much to me.
Love to all
Keep praying
Robin
Sunday, April 15, 2012
three years
Dear Donnie,
Tomorrow makes three years since you left us. Most people can't believe it's been three years already. Part of me can't believe it's only been three years. It feels like an eternity since I've heard your laugh or felt the touch of your hand. But at the same time, I still find myself thinking " I need to tell Donnie that or I need to ask Donnie, he would know". I miss that " remember when" moment and being able to remember with you. I miss your laugh so much. And the way your eyes sparked when you smiled. I miss the way that it felt when you wrapped your arms around me and the whole world seemed to go away and I was afraid of nothing because you were there.
Each time I look at Caley, I can't help but feel those pangs knowing what she is missing out on without you here. I can picture you there with her. And now your grandson. Who bears your name. Ryder Reynolds Rodriguez. I can see you there with him the same way you were with Caley. And sometimes the hurt is so deep. You were such an amazing Poppy.
Our lives have changed so much without you here. I have moved forward with my life the way you wanted me to and I hope that you are proud of me. Learning to live without you was the hardest thing I have ever done. You were such a part of me( and still are) that I felt so incomplete once you were gone. I had to figure out who I was without you.
As I sit here and cry writing this to you, I know you are disappointed that I am still crying. I just miss you so very much. It would be a lie to say I don't still struggle
On each beautiful spring day, I think to myself what a beautiful day for golf and knowing that is exactly what you would be doing.
So many things still make me think of you. They always will. Regardless of what people think, you will always be a part of me and I carry you with me in my heart. You are so much a part of me.
For the longest time I felt guilty. For smiling without you. For living without you. The thought of falling in love almost tore me apart. It took me a while to realize that loving someone else wouldn't take anything away from you. From what you and I shared together. That amazing love we shared is exactly the same as it was the day that you left. Nothing can change that. So I don't feel guilty anymore for smiling or living without you. I know it is what you wanted for me.
I still am so thankful for the life that we shared. No matter the pain and struggles that came along with losing you. I was so blessed to share my life with you. You were a gift from God sent to us and I can't imagine what my life would have been without you. I would do it all again. And I am also thankful that we were able to say goodbye. I hate the price we paid for it but having no words left unspoken between us brings me peace.
One of the last things you said to me was that you would wait on the other side of the path for me. That comforts me knowing that one day we will be together again. Until that time, you live on in my heart.
Always and forever
I love you
Robin
Tomorrow makes three years since you left us. Most people can't believe it's been three years already. Part of me can't believe it's only been three years. It feels like an eternity since I've heard your laugh or felt the touch of your hand. But at the same time, I still find myself thinking " I need to tell Donnie that or I need to ask Donnie, he would know". I miss that " remember when" moment and being able to remember with you. I miss your laugh so much. And the way your eyes sparked when you smiled. I miss the way that it felt when you wrapped your arms around me and the whole world seemed to go away and I was afraid of nothing because you were there.
Each time I look at Caley, I can't help but feel those pangs knowing what she is missing out on without you here. I can picture you there with her. And now your grandson. Who bears your name. Ryder Reynolds Rodriguez. I can see you there with him the same way you were with Caley. And sometimes the hurt is so deep. You were such an amazing Poppy.
Our lives have changed so much without you here. I have moved forward with my life the way you wanted me to and I hope that you are proud of me. Learning to live without you was the hardest thing I have ever done. You were such a part of me( and still are) that I felt so incomplete once you were gone. I had to figure out who I was without you.
As I sit here and cry writing this to you, I know you are disappointed that I am still crying. I just miss you so very much. It would be a lie to say I don't still struggle
On each beautiful spring day, I think to myself what a beautiful day for golf and knowing that is exactly what you would be doing.
So many things still make me think of you. They always will. Regardless of what people think, you will always be a part of me and I carry you with me in my heart. You are so much a part of me.
For the longest time I felt guilty. For smiling without you. For living without you. The thought of falling in love almost tore me apart. It took me a while to realize that loving someone else wouldn't take anything away from you. From what you and I shared together. That amazing love we shared is exactly the same as it was the day that you left. Nothing can change that. So I don't feel guilty anymore for smiling or living without you. I know it is what you wanted for me.
I still am so thankful for the life that we shared. No matter the pain and struggles that came along with losing you. I was so blessed to share my life with you. You were a gift from God sent to us and I can't imagine what my life would have been without you. I would do it all again. And I am also thankful that we were able to say goodbye. I hate the price we paid for it but having no words left unspoken between us brings me peace.
One of the last things you said to me was that you would wait on the other side of the path for me. That comforts me knowing that one day we will be together again. Until that time, you live on in my heart.
Always and forever
I love you
Robin
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
just when you thought it was safe to go back in the water
Just when you thought it was safe to go back in the water………
I have lived the last several years just waiting on the other shoe to drop. Cancer put a fear in me of my world being ripped apart. As much as I try not to wait for something bad to happen, fear still sneaks up on me when things are going good and whispers in my ear. It taunts me and tells me that bad things happen. And things have been good in my life. I am happy.
I have tried to find my place in the well world again after being immersed in the world of cancer for so long. I was finding my place here again. I am happy and loved and planning my future. And then the other shoe fell with a resounding thud. Cancer reared its ugly head and reached back into my life and my world and turned it upside down again. My step mother was recently diagnosed with lung cancer. Small cell. Very aggressive. She has battled stage 4 cancer before and beat it. Yet here she stands again, fighting for her life. I think that she is one of the toughest women I have ever met. She is one of the toughest people I have ever met. During Donnie’s journey thru cancer, she was his confidant. She was his mother in law, his hospice nurse and most of all his friend. And she was my rock. There were times I didn’t think that I could make it thru and she was there, picking me up, at times letting me cry , others drying my eyes and always cheering me on. Not that being Donnie’s nurse or watching me lose him wasn’t hard on her. I know it was very hard for her. But she has this inner strength that is pretty amazing to witness. And now, as she fights for her life again, that strength is evident. Her faith is strong. She believes in Gods plan. I only wish I had her strength.
The child in me wants to scream IT’S NOT FAIR. She has done this already!!!! She has suffered thru and beat cancer once already. Is that not enough? There are serial killers and child molesters walking the streets perfectly healthy yet good people are fighting cancer. I don’t understand and I question it. And she reminds me that God has a plan for her. But I still want to know why? But then again, God himself could stand in front of me and tell me why and I am sure the answer wouldn’t make me feel any better. I guess I am selfish that way.
I got a call the other day from another dear friend of mine who has been having some health issues to tell me that they had to have a biopsy. My heart is heavy. I have been waiting for the other shoe to fall and now feel like shoes are being thrown at me here. I hate to see the people that I love facing these obstacles.
I sometimes wonder how my family can face this again. How will we ever get thru this fight? But I know that somehow , someway, just like we have done before, we will fight this together. I am still (as Shelia tells me) finding my legs in my new life. She doesn’t want me to be sucked back into the world of cancer. It can’t be helped. I am still walking the path of my new life the best way I know how. It’s harder now with all of this. I’m angry and the hurt makes me push people away. Especially those closest to me. But each day I try again. It’s all any of us can do.
Cherish those you love. Wrap your arms around them and enjoy every moment you are given. Don’t get so wrapped up in your day to day that you forget what and who is truly important to you. Don’t ever take today for granted. None of us are promised tomorrow.
I have lived the last several years just waiting on the other shoe to drop. Cancer put a fear in me of my world being ripped apart. As much as I try not to wait for something bad to happen, fear still sneaks up on me when things are going good and whispers in my ear. It taunts me and tells me that bad things happen. And things have been good in my life. I am happy.
I have tried to find my place in the well world again after being immersed in the world of cancer for so long. I was finding my place here again. I am happy and loved and planning my future. And then the other shoe fell with a resounding thud. Cancer reared its ugly head and reached back into my life and my world and turned it upside down again. My step mother was recently diagnosed with lung cancer. Small cell. Very aggressive. She has battled stage 4 cancer before and beat it. Yet here she stands again, fighting for her life. I think that she is one of the toughest women I have ever met. She is one of the toughest people I have ever met. During Donnie’s journey thru cancer, she was his confidant. She was his mother in law, his hospice nurse and most of all his friend. And she was my rock. There were times I didn’t think that I could make it thru and she was there, picking me up, at times letting me cry , others drying my eyes and always cheering me on. Not that being Donnie’s nurse or watching me lose him wasn’t hard on her. I know it was very hard for her. But she has this inner strength that is pretty amazing to witness. And now, as she fights for her life again, that strength is evident. Her faith is strong. She believes in Gods plan. I only wish I had her strength.
The child in me wants to scream IT’S NOT FAIR. She has done this already!!!! She has suffered thru and beat cancer once already. Is that not enough? There are serial killers and child molesters walking the streets perfectly healthy yet good people are fighting cancer. I don’t understand and I question it. And she reminds me that God has a plan for her. But I still want to know why? But then again, God himself could stand in front of me and tell me why and I am sure the answer wouldn’t make me feel any better. I guess I am selfish that way.
I got a call the other day from another dear friend of mine who has been having some health issues to tell me that they had to have a biopsy. My heart is heavy. I have been waiting for the other shoe to fall and now feel like shoes are being thrown at me here. I hate to see the people that I love facing these obstacles.
I sometimes wonder how my family can face this again. How will we ever get thru this fight? But I know that somehow , someway, just like we have done before, we will fight this together. I am still (as Shelia tells me) finding my legs in my new life. She doesn’t want me to be sucked back into the world of cancer. It can’t be helped. I am still walking the path of my new life the best way I know how. It’s harder now with all of this. I’m angry and the hurt makes me push people away. Especially those closest to me. But each day I try again. It’s all any of us can do.
Cherish those you love. Wrap your arms around them and enjoy every moment you are given. Don’t get so wrapped up in your day to day that you forget what and who is truly important to you. Don’t ever take today for granted. None of us are promised tomorrow.
Saturday, December 4, 2010
Flashlight Walking
I still sometimes feel like my world is “out of sorts”. I think that sometimes I still have moments of adjusting to my “new normal” I will say this, I am not “flashlight walking” anymore. For the longest time after losing Donnie, I was flashlight walking.
It was like when we would go to the beach with my Mom to search for sharks teeth. We would get there before sun up and walk with our flashlights along the beach. You couldn’t see any further than where the flashlight shone at your feet.
As we searched for sharks teeth on the beach, we were focused on only the spot in front of us that we could see. But as time passed, the sun started to appear on the horizon and you could see just a little more. Gradually the sun rose into the sky, shining a little bit of light at a time until it was high in the sky. And at some point during your walking, you almost didn’t realize how much the sun had started to illuminate your surroundings. You had been so focused on just your feet and the next step that you didn’t see the light of the sun rising around you. It was slow and gradual and when you finally looked up, you realized that you could see up ahead again and it was almost surprising how far you could see. Even though you “knew” the sun would come up, you didn’t quite expect it.
That is what the last 20 months of my life have been. After losing Donnie, I couldn’t see or fathom my future. I could only see where I was standing, because my path and my future which was a lighted path before, had now become dark. I couldn’t see up ahead anymore. The lights had been turned off and I was alone and afraid. I could only focus on putting one foot in front of the other. Only where I could see with my “flashlight” And I focused on just that. Sometimes I couldn’t move. I stood still, searching for the courage to take another step. I was scared to move forward. Donnie was behind me and each step I took felt like it was taking me further away from him. So when I felt like that, I would turn and run back to my grief. There were times I tried to rush ahead, hoping to see. But I was just left alone and lost in the dark. So back to the flashlight I went. I found out there was no rushing thru the grief. I had to go thru it. I have walked that path with that flashlight. I took one step at a time. And over time, just like the sun rising up, I started to be able to see just a little bit more. A little further ahead. Head down, I trudged forward. It hasn’t been easy, but I have kept going. And as the sun rose around me, I could see a little further ahead just a little bit at a time. It has been slow and gradual, just like the sunrise. And now, as I stop to look around, my path is bright again. As I look ahead, I can see my future again. I see my future again (for the most part) atleast I know which way I am heading .
It is bittersweet. As I look forward to my future, I smile. I am optimistic about the path before me and I am happy. But at the same time, it makes me sad too. I can see my future and Donnie isn’t in it. And for many years, he was. It doesn’t mean that I am not happy with my choices. I am very happy with where I am in my life and where I am going. It just means that I miss him. I can’t see the future I had planned before Donnie got sick anymore. I can, but it is only a memory of where I thought we would be now. It has been a long journey to get to this point. At times I don’t realize how far I have come. Until I turn around and look behind me.
And as I turn around and look behind me, I see the broken path that I have travelled to get to where I am at now. I know that Donnie was there and how far he travelled with me, even when I felt alone. I remember the conversation we had about him wanting me to continue to live my life and move on. I feel him there urging me to go ahead. Pushing me to continue going forward without him. I know that he is there smiling and telling me it is ok. It’s ok to let go, it doesn’t mean I am forgetting. It just means I am accepting my life and continuing on.
.
It was like when we would go to the beach with my Mom to search for sharks teeth. We would get there before sun up and walk with our flashlights along the beach. You couldn’t see any further than where the flashlight shone at your feet.
As we searched for sharks teeth on the beach, we were focused on only the spot in front of us that we could see. But as time passed, the sun started to appear on the horizon and you could see just a little more. Gradually the sun rose into the sky, shining a little bit of light at a time until it was high in the sky. And at some point during your walking, you almost didn’t realize how much the sun had started to illuminate your surroundings. You had been so focused on just your feet and the next step that you didn’t see the light of the sun rising around you. It was slow and gradual and when you finally looked up, you realized that you could see up ahead again and it was almost surprising how far you could see. Even though you “knew” the sun would come up, you didn’t quite expect it.
That is what the last 20 months of my life have been. After losing Donnie, I couldn’t see or fathom my future. I could only see where I was standing, because my path and my future which was a lighted path before, had now become dark. I couldn’t see up ahead anymore. The lights had been turned off and I was alone and afraid. I could only focus on putting one foot in front of the other. Only where I could see with my “flashlight” And I focused on just that. Sometimes I couldn’t move. I stood still, searching for the courage to take another step. I was scared to move forward. Donnie was behind me and each step I took felt like it was taking me further away from him. So when I felt like that, I would turn and run back to my grief. There were times I tried to rush ahead, hoping to see. But I was just left alone and lost in the dark. So back to the flashlight I went. I found out there was no rushing thru the grief. I had to go thru it. I have walked that path with that flashlight. I took one step at a time. And over time, just like the sun rising up, I started to be able to see just a little bit more. A little further ahead. Head down, I trudged forward. It hasn’t been easy, but I have kept going. And as the sun rose around me, I could see a little further ahead just a little bit at a time. It has been slow and gradual, just like the sunrise. And now, as I stop to look around, my path is bright again. As I look ahead, I can see my future again. I see my future again (for the most part) atleast I know which way I am heading .
It is bittersweet. As I look forward to my future, I smile. I am optimistic about the path before me and I am happy. But at the same time, it makes me sad too. I can see my future and Donnie isn’t in it. And for many years, he was. It doesn’t mean that I am not happy with my choices. I am very happy with where I am in my life and where I am going. It just means that I miss him. I can’t see the future I had planned before Donnie got sick anymore. I can, but it is only a memory of where I thought we would be now. It has been a long journey to get to this point. At times I don’t realize how far I have come. Until I turn around and look behind me.
And as I turn around and look behind me, I see the broken path that I have travelled to get to where I am at now. I know that Donnie was there and how far he travelled with me, even when I felt alone. I remember the conversation we had about him wanting me to continue to live my life and move on. I feel him there urging me to go ahead. Pushing me to continue going forward without him. I know that he is there smiling and telling me it is ok. It’s ok to let go, it doesn’t mean I am forgetting. It just means I am accepting my life and continuing on.
.
Monday, September 27, 2010
Donnie's birthday was Thursday. He would have been 46. Sometimes, it feels like forever and other times I still can't believe I won't ever see him again on this earth. Our wedding anniversary was Sunday. It's been a rough week for me. Although he left us way to soon, we were very blessed to have shared our lives with him. Happy Birthday in heaven Donnie. We will always love you and still miss you every single day.
Sunday, September 5, 2010
fear
I haven’t been writing as much lately. And with that, it seems I have had more moments where I am struggling with stress. I think that is part of my problem. My writing gives my feelings an outlet. It puts words to the fears and random thoughts in my mind that I can’t say out loud and helps me sort out my feelings. Seems lately I have been holding onto to all of those feelings and fears and stuffing them down and not accepting and dealing with them. By not dealing with them, they stay with me and continue to haunt me. I have heard the expression “the grief that does not speak, doubles” .
Since Donnie was diagnosed with cancer, my whole world changed. I was cruizin along thru my life and things were good. That is how they were supposed to be. And then WHAM, someone yanked a rug out from under me and turned my world upside down. And if that wasn’t bad enough then they dropped a house on me!!
I hate what that did to me. As a person. I hate how it changed me. It made me afraid. I have lived in fear for the last 3 years . And I hate it. I have this awful feeling of waiting for the other shoe to drop. Sometimes it’s like I am waiting for it to happen. And it makes me crazy. As I am sure it does others around me. This fear can get a grip on me and drag me back into the dark. I have to confront this fear and move past it. I don’t want to live in the dark anymore. I want to live in the light.
The fear comes and it goes. Seems it has been coming more than going lately. I think more so because my life is good now. I am happy and content. Fear whispers in my ear that when things are good, bad things happen and it can all be taken away. It taunts me. I know it isn’t a rational fear, but whoever said grief was rational?
I will say this, there used to be a time when all I wanted to do was crawl in the bed and pull the covers over my head and stay there with my grief and shut out the world. It was so easy to stay there . I held onto my grief like a warm blanket. I felt that it connected me to Donnie. Now I know better. I have learn to in a sense let go of some of that grief and I am living again. I guess the fear is a sign of me living my life again and finding happiness. So maybe in some small way, it’s a good thing.
I was told so many times that “time will heal” I don’t agree with that wholeheartedly. I think time makes you stronger. And that strength helps you to deal with the grief. I think that some people see me now and think that my happiness cancels out the sadness of losing Donnie. I AM happy now but at times I am sad too. He was someone I loved very much and he is gone. If I lost my grandparent or parent or child or sibling or friend, no one else could “take that pain away” or replace them. If you lost a child and had another, do they think that the next child would take away the pain of losing the first? why is it when it is a spouse/ signifigant other do people feel that if you fall in love again that the other pain is gone? Love is love. There is no difference.
I was afraid to move on with my life but I have and I am glad that I did. I miss Donnie and I love him and I will always love him. But he is gone. he was taken from us. And I have found that my heart is big enough to find love again And I know that I am strong enough to accept and embrace my new life without losing the love and memories of my life before. I like to think that would make Donnie smile.
Since Donnie was diagnosed with cancer, my whole world changed. I was cruizin along thru my life and things were good. That is how they were supposed to be. And then WHAM, someone yanked a rug out from under me and turned my world upside down. And if that wasn’t bad enough then they dropped a house on me!!
I hate what that did to me. As a person. I hate how it changed me. It made me afraid. I have lived in fear for the last 3 years . And I hate it. I have this awful feeling of waiting for the other shoe to drop. Sometimes it’s like I am waiting for it to happen. And it makes me crazy. As I am sure it does others around me. This fear can get a grip on me and drag me back into the dark. I have to confront this fear and move past it. I don’t want to live in the dark anymore. I want to live in the light.
The fear comes and it goes. Seems it has been coming more than going lately. I think more so because my life is good now. I am happy and content. Fear whispers in my ear that when things are good, bad things happen and it can all be taken away. It taunts me. I know it isn’t a rational fear, but whoever said grief was rational?
I will say this, there used to be a time when all I wanted to do was crawl in the bed and pull the covers over my head and stay there with my grief and shut out the world. It was so easy to stay there . I held onto my grief like a warm blanket. I felt that it connected me to Donnie. Now I know better. I have learn to in a sense let go of some of that grief and I am living again. I guess the fear is a sign of me living my life again and finding happiness. So maybe in some small way, it’s a good thing.
I was told so many times that “time will heal” I don’t agree with that wholeheartedly. I think time makes you stronger. And that strength helps you to deal with the grief. I think that some people see me now and think that my happiness cancels out the sadness of losing Donnie. I AM happy now but at times I am sad too. He was someone I loved very much and he is gone. If I lost my grandparent or parent or child or sibling or friend, no one else could “take that pain away” or replace them. If you lost a child and had another, do they think that the next child would take away the pain of losing the first? why is it when it is a spouse/ signifigant other do people feel that if you fall in love again that the other pain is gone? Love is love. There is no difference.
I was afraid to move on with my life but I have and I am glad that I did. I miss Donnie and I love him and I will always love him. But he is gone. he was taken from us. And I have found that my heart is big enough to find love again And I know that I am strong enough to accept and embrace my new life without losing the love and memories of my life before. I like to think that would make Donnie smile.
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