9 years ago ,my life path changed. At 9:01 on that Thursday night, I became a widow. I was 37 years old, it was not how I expected my life to go. We were happy and in love and life was good. Then, cancer busted down the door and turned our world upside down. Donnie fought hard for 18 months against the cancer that took him from us. The night that he left destroyed me. I wanted nothing more than to die with him. The pain was so blinding that I was unable to see past it. In those moments, I'm ashamed to say, that I couldn't see my children or my family. The pain overwhelmed me and took me to such a dark place that I couldn't fathom that pain ever ending.
For a long time, I wanted to know "WHY? Why Donnie?" I just couldn't understand. I don't ask that question anymore. Because I know it wouldn't change anything. No answer would suffice anyway or take away the pain. But I am a firm believer that things happen for a reason, and all I can do is trust in God's will.
Life has thrown a lot at me, yet here I stand, stronger than I have ever been and I am actually very happy. I don't believe that time heals all wounds. It still hurts. It always will. The only way I can describe my grief is to imagine someone gives you backpack that weighs a ton and puts it on your back and you have to take it with you everywhere you go. There is no way you can carry this load, so you try dragging it along behind you as you dig your fingers into the ground and try to crawl. It barely moves and you feel so hopeless. You just know that you will never be able to endure this. As time goes on you are able to pick yourself up and crawl on your hands and knees dragging it behind you and sometimes you almost stand up but you fall over and over again. Bruised and bloody, you keep pushing and as time passes, you fall less and less. And eventually you find you can stand and even walk. It isn't easy and it doesn't mean that you won't still fall from time to time. That back pack is grief. No one takes it away from you. It never goes away, you just grow strong enough to carry it with you.
Of everything I have been thru in the last 9 years, I suppose I could fall to the ground and play the victim. I could scream how it's not fair. And trust me, sometimes it's hard not to. BUT, that wouldn't change anything. What has changed throughout this time is me, and I am ok with who I have become. I found strength that I didn't know that I had. I learned TRULY how precious life is and how to appreciate the gift we have been given. I am different now and I don't know that everyone in my life is comfortable with the person I have become, but I am, and that is the most important thing. I'm not perfect. I make mistakes. But, I know what is in my heart and I know I do everything with the best of intentions. I am happy and have made peace with who I am and the path that I am on. I often wonder what Donnie would think of the woman I have become. As I look back and see how far I have come since that night, I would like to think that he would be proud of me.
Although I have had my share of heartaches, I am SO unbelievably blessed. And believe it or not, losing Donnie made me realize how blessed I truly am. I was privileged to have shared my life with him. As painful as it was to lose him, if I could go back knowing the end result would be the same, I would fall in love with him all over again. The happiness we found together was worth it.
I wouldn't have written my story this way. But, I have to trust in God's plan for me. I trust that this is the path that I am supposed to be on. And I have to say I am so very thankful that God allowed Donnie to walk my path with me, even if it was just for a while. The world was a better place with him in it and I am a better person for being loved by him.
If not for my struggles, I never would have found my strength.
Rest in peace Donnie. Thank you for sharing your life with me.
I love you always and forever.
Robin
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