Sunday, April 15, 2012

three years

Dear Donnie,
Tomorrow makes three years since you left us. Most people can't believe it's been three years already. Part of me can't believe it's only been three years. It feels like an eternity since I've heard your laugh or felt the touch of your hand. But at the same time, I still find myself thinking " I need to tell Donnie that or I need to ask Donnie, he would know". I miss that " remember when" moment and being able to remember with you. I miss your laugh so much. And the way your eyes sparked when you smiled. I miss the way that it felt when you wrapped your arms around me and the whole world seemed to go away and I was afraid of nothing because you were there.
Each time I look at Caley, I can't help but feel those pangs knowing what she is missing out on without you here. I can picture you there with her. And now your grandson. Who bears your name. Ryder Reynolds Rodriguez. I can see you there with him the same way you were with Caley. And sometimes the hurt is so deep. You were such an amazing Poppy.
Our lives have changed so much without you here. I have moved forward with my life the way you wanted me to and I hope that you are proud of me. Learning to live without you was the hardest thing I have ever done. You were such a part of me( and still are) that I felt so incomplete once you were gone. I had to figure out who I was without you.
As I sit here and cry writing this to you, I know you are disappointed that I am still crying. I just miss you so very much. It would be a lie to say I don't still struggle
On each beautiful spring day, I think to myself what a beautiful day for golf and knowing that is exactly what you would be doing.
So many things still make me think of you. They always will. Regardless of what people think, you will always be a part of me and I carry you with me in my heart. You are so much a part of me.
For the longest time I felt guilty. For smiling without you. For living without you.  The thought of falling in love almost tore me apart. It took me a while to realize that loving someone else wouldn't take anything away from you. From what you and I shared together. That amazing love we shared is exactly the same as it was the day that you left. Nothing can change that. So I don't feel guilty anymore for smiling or living without you. I know it is what you wanted for me.
I still am so thankful for the life that we shared. No matter the pain and struggles that came along with losing you. I was so blessed to share my life with you. You were a gift from God sent to us and I can't imagine what my life would have been without you. I would do it all again. And I am also thankful that we were able to say goodbye. I hate the price we paid for it but having no words left unspoken between us brings me peace.
One of the last things you said to me was that you would wait on the other side of the path for me. That comforts me knowing that one day we will be together again. Until that time, you live on in my heart.
Always and forever
I love you


Sandy said...

Robin - I have been wondering how you were doing. I am 2.5 years out and I understand the never ending pain and tears. I am happy to read you have found new love. You deserve it....we deserve it!

Robin said...

Thanks Sandy. I am doing ok I still have ups and downs pretty frequently at times. I just got remarried. I didn't think that would ever happen but it did. I love him and he makes me happy. But he can't take away the grief of losing Donnie. No one can. I don't think it ever goes away. I believe we just become accustomed to the pain and we deal with it a little better.
You are right that WE deserve it!!!!! Hang in there!

Sandy said...

Well CONGRATULATIONS!!! I am so very happy for you. Yes, you are right that we become accustomed to the pain and learn to deal with it better. I too have met someone that seems to understand that TJ will always be a part of me. It is new, so time will tell.

Tackitup Supplys said...

I just found this blog and am hoping I can come to live again I just lost my husband to Gallbladder biliary cancer not even 3 months and I am still very broken.. Thanks for the hope I read in your blogs.. God bless you and yours..

Robin said...

I am so sorry for your loss. It is such a horrible thing to endure. I won't lie. It has t been an easy road. I miss him. I still cry. But all I can do is continue to live. Somehow you find a way. I will pray for you on your journey. God bless