Sunday, September 5, 2010

fear

I haven’t been writing as much lately. And with that, it seems I have had more moments where I am struggling with stress. I think that is part of my problem. My writing gives my feelings an outlet. It puts words to the fears and random thoughts in my mind that I can’t say out loud and helps me sort out my feelings. Seems lately I have been holding onto to all of those feelings and fears and stuffing them down and not accepting and dealing with them. By not dealing with them, they stay with me and continue to haunt me. I have heard the expression “the grief that does not speak, doubles” .


Since Donnie was diagnosed with cancer, my whole world changed. I was cruizin along thru my life and things were good. That is how they were supposed to be. And then WHAM, someone yanked a rug out from under me and turned my world upside down. And if that wasn’t bad enough then they dropped a house on me!!

I hate what that did to me. As a person. I hate how it changed me. It made me afraid. I have lived in fear for the last 3 years . And I hate it. I have this awful feeling of waiting for the other shoe to drop. Sometimes it’s like I am waiting for it to happen. And it makes me crazy. As I am sure it does others around me. This fear can get a grip on me and drag me back into the dark. I have to confront this fear and move past it. I don’t want to live in the dark anymore. I want to live in the light.

The fear comes and it goes. Seems it has been coming more than going lately. I think more so because my life is good now. I am happy and content. Fear whispers in my ear that when things are good, bad things happen and it can all be taken away. It taunts me. I know it isn’t a rational fear, but whoever said grief was rational?

I will say this, there used to be a time when all I wanted to do was crawl in the bed and pull the covers over my head and stay there with my grief and shut out the world. It was so easy to stay there . I held onto my grief like a warm blanket. I felt that it connected me to Donnie. Now I know better. I have learn to in a sense let go of some of that grief and I am living again. I guess the fear is a sign of me living my life again and finding happiness. So maybe in some small way, it’s a good thing.

I was told so many times that “time will heal” I don’t agree with that wholeheartedly. I think time makes you stronger. And that strength helps you to deal with the grief. I think that some people see me now and think that my happiness cancels out the sadness of losing Donnie. I AM happy now but at times I am sad too. He was someone I loved very much and he is gone. If I lost my grandparent or parent or child or sibling or friend, no one else could “take that pain away” or replace them. If you lost a child and had another, do they think that the next child would take away the pain of losing the first? why is it when it is a spouse/ signifigant other do people feel once you fall in love again that the other pain is gone? Love is love. There is no difference.

I was afraid to move on with my life but I have and I am glad that I did. I miss Donnie and I love him and I will always love him. But he is gone. he was taken from us. And I have found an amazing man here that loves me and I love him too. I have learned that my heart is big enough for both. And I know that I am strong enough to accept and embrace my new life without losing the love and memories of my life before. I like to think that would make Donnie smile.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

I'm so glad u decided to write again, I check back often to see if u have written anything because as I approach the 1 year anniversary of my husband passing I look to see if others with a similar story were where I am now emotionally...its hard to lean on friends and family because although they say they understand, they really can't EVER understand what its like to lose the one person who meant everything to u...I really thought I had grown in my grief, I thought I had hit that stage of acceptance, only to have it all thrown back in my face and drag me down into the darkness again, my hope is that one day I will understand, that's why I check back in with your blog is to see how or rather what to expect, although we are different, a LOT of what u have written is exactly where I find myself...God Bless u in whatever path u choose, and I can only hope and pray for the best for u, and thank u for writing, it helps me to know that I'm not going crazy, that somewhere someone else has had the same emotions I am having.

Xoxo
Kristine