finding me

Finding “ Me”

There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t miss Donnie. There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t think about him and talk to him. My heart still aches for him. It’s been almost 5 months without him. It seems like forever. There are some days I still wonder what I am supposed to do without him. There are days that I am a complete mess. BUT, all that being said, there are some days that I find myself smiling again. A true smile. Not just a smile that is masking the pain.

For the first time in a very long time, I am having moments that I feel like “me” again. I wish I could say that I felt like “me” all the time. But, I know it is still going to take time. I am taking those baby steps towards finding myself again and learning to live without Donnie. It is hard finding my place in the world without him.

I am so blessed to have been loved by Donnie. For however a short of time that God gave us, I cherish every moment that we had together. It isn’t easy, but I know that I have to learn to move on in my life. I have to accept the reality of everything that has happened and face my future without him.

For almost the last 2 years my life has been all about taking care of what Donnie needed. And rightfully so. I wouldn’t change a thing that I did. But, now I have to figure out how to take care of “me” again. I have to put some of that effort into going on with my life and trying to be happy. I know it is what he wanted and it’s what I want too. I DO want to be happy again.

I don’t think I can ever “get over” losing Donnie. I just have to find a way to deal with the pain. Sometimes it’s one day at a time, sometimes its one hour or minute at a time. But its all I can do. I would give ANYTHING to have him back but I know that can never be.

So, all I can do is keep seeking the courage to try to move forward with my life. That doesn’t mean that I am forgetting him. It doesn’t mean that I don’t love him. It means I am deciding that I still matter. (regardless of how other people perceive that). It means that I still deserve happiness, even though he isn’t here to share it with me.

It’s not easy and I’m sure it won’t get easier anytime soon. But, I have my flashlight and all I can do is keep on walking and searching for “me”. Hopefully that light will shine brighter soon….… It will take time but I’ll get there.

Yesterday was Justin’s 19th birthday. I don’t know where the time has gone. He was just my little boy and now before me is this man. This man that I am proud to call my son. He has exceeded every expectation I have ever had for him. And my expectations have been high. He amazes me every day and as good as it is to see him becoming this man, it also breaks my heart to be losing my little boy. That cotton topped little boy who would just shout out from the back seat of the car “ You know what momma? I love you” That little boy who could never stand to see anyone else upset. That little boy that had biggest blue eyes who always looked for the good and had a crooked little smile.

I have no doubt of the man that Justin has become and will continue to grow into. He had an amazing man for a role model. Donnie showed him by example how to be a man. A good man. Donnie was so proud of him and so proud to call him his son. I think the feeling was mutual between them. There was so much love and respect for each other there. And when it is Justin’s turn to be a dad, I know he will aspire to be the Dad that Donnie was to him.

As we sang happy birthday to Justin , there was a pang in my heart. I think that there was one in Justin’s heart too. I found myself looking around for Donnie. Things just don’t feel right without him here. And although I know that he wasn’t standing next to me, I know he was there with us, smiling and that he was as proud of Justin as he ever was and as he always will be.
Happy Birthday Justin. I love you!

This is a 2 part post. The first part was written at a very low point last week and I didn’t want to post it until I found something more encouraging in me to go with it.

battling the beast

There are days and times that I think that I will get thru this and somehow be a stronger person but then there are days that I have been having a lot of lately when I am struggling to beat back the beast that is depression.

I have felt so defeated and have felt that way for a couple of weeks off and on. I am struggling with everything. It’s been a terribly rough week and everything that could go wrong seems to have gone wrong. And it has made me feel discouraged and defeated. I was doing ok one day and then the next day it all seemed to come crashing down around me again. So I was struggling, but still ok. Somedays I just can’t shake it. It has gotten the better of me. I want to run home and crawl back into my bed and pull the covers over my head and shut out the world.

Maybe I was crazy to think I was strong enough to get thru this. I guess I was wrong. Score 1 for the beast.

Part 2.

Before I am inundated with phone calls about this telling me that I need to get out of bed and I need to do things and not feel this way. Trust me, I am trying. I really am. I don’t want to feel this way. And as hard as it is, I am still fighting every day. I am just having a harder fight lately. BUT I AM TRYING

The only way I can describe it is that I am in a fist fight and I am getting my ass kicked and I have been for quite a while. And each time I get knocked down I get back up and keep fighting. Well I feel like I am on the ground being kicked and I don’t know how to get up again to continue getting my ass kicked. It’s like I want to throw my hands up and say “OKAY, ENOUGH ALREADY”! BUT, I’m not. I am just tired. This isn’t an easy fight. But still I am searching for the strength to get back up and keep going.

How do you put up your fists and fight a monster that you can’t even see?

The one thing that helps me get back up the most is Donnie. The way he fought inspired me and his fight was so much worse than the one I am fighting now. And I know what he would have given to be able to continue that fight, so I will continue to get up and try again every day. Maybe one day, it won’t be so hard.

Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the little voice at the end of the day that says I'll try again tomorrow