one day

One day

One day, I want to get thru a full day without crying.

One day, I want to smile without feeling guilty
One day, I want getting out of bed to not be such a struggle.

One day, I want normal everyday things to not seem like monumental tasks.

One day I want to be able to smile when I remember Donnie and not cry.

One day I want to not feel so alone.

One day I want to feel like I am not being judged

One day, I want to find a new normal.

One day, I want to not be so overwhelmed by life

One day, I want to be able to sleep again.

One day, I want to feel that it is ok to start living again.

One day, I want to enjoy life again.

One day, I want to learn how to live with this hurt.

One day, I don’t want to have to pretend that I am ok.

One day, I want to be happy again.

One day I want peace and quiet to not be such a lonely place


Maybe, One Day…………………..

Nighttime is the worst. It is so hard for me to sleep without him here next to me.

People always ask "how are you?" if I said that I was good, I would be lying. So I give the standard "I'm ok" response even though it isn't the truth.Or I will say, "I miss him" and their response is "but he isn't suffering anymore" I know that they mean well but honestly, I don't miss him suffering. I miss the 13 plus years of our life before that. I miss him snoring next to me. I miss him holding my hand. I miss his 10 daily phone calls to me that always ended in I love you. I miss watching him play on the floor with Caley. I miss the way his eyes lit up when he laughed. I miss the way he could wrap his arms around me and tell me that everything was going to be ok and he could make the whole world go away. I miss my best friend, my partner, my soul mate and the love of my life!! I miss him. I miss so many things.

the silence without him here is deafening. it is almost unbearable. I am lost and don't know what to do without him.I get up each day and I get dressed and put on a good front most of the time but every step is a struggle without him.

I thought that I wouldn't make Justins graduation Thursday because I couldn't stop sobbing. I was so proud of Justin but at the same time was so broken hearted because Donnie wasn't here to share it with us. he wasn't able to sit next to me and applaud Justin's accomplishments. He was always so proud of him. I managed to make it thru graduation without sobbing but then sobbed all the way home. Justin's graduation party was Saturday. I think he had a good time. We smiled and we laughed and i came home and cried for almost 2 hours because it felt so wrong for Donnie not to be there.

I know that Donnie wouldn't want me to be so sad but at the same time, I know that he would understand. He was such a part of my soul. He was such a part of me and my world and there is a huge void there. Part of me is missing.

Today, I had an "aha" moment of exactly how alone I am without him. Everyone will tell me that I am not alone in this, but I am. I was Donnie's "number1" and he was mine. I'm not first on anyones list anymore. It doesnt mean that others don't love me, they just don't love me the way that Donnie did.

Donnie told me one of the reasons that he fell in love with me is because I was so independent. He said that when he met me that I didn't need him. I was just fine with taking care of myself. He said he admired my determination and will to take care of myself and the kids. He came into my heart and he changed that. He made me need him like I could never have imagined. I don't need him to take care of me. I need his love, without it I don't feel like me. He was my knight in shining armor and we were supposed to have our happily ever after but that isn't the way our fairy tale ended.I miss him so much.

I have been unable to write since Donnie passed. I will say that I am lost without him. I am unsure of what I am supposed to do without him. I miss him so much. There is a void in my heart and my life that no one can fill and it hurts so badly I could never describe the pain. I am getting up and going to work some now atleast. I don't sleep or eat too much but I try. I do make the effort. Everything I do seems to take a massive amount of effort. It is hard stepping back into the world without him. It is just wrong. It isn't supposed to be this way. This wasn't supposed to happen to us. I just miss everything about him. The kids seem to be getting back into a normal routine. I haven't been able to just yet. I take each day as it comes. The only way I can describe the way I am living right now is "flashlight walking" I can only see a few steps ahead of where I am at. I can't look any further, it is too overwhelming. So one step at a time. My mind knows that it will get easier in time, my heart doesn't believe it.Hopefully my will to write will come back as it was therapuetic for me during Donnie's illness. Love to all

It has been one week today. I still have no idea how i am supposed to go on without him.

I am posting the lyrics to a song my Mercy Me that describe exactly how I feel today. If you have never heard it, it is my profile song on my myspace page.
www.myspace.com/robinlbr

Homesick
You're in a better place, I've heard a thousand times
And at least a thousand times I've rejoiced for you
But the reason why I'm broken, the reason why I cry
Is how long must I wait to be with you

I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
I've never been more homesick than now

Help me Lord cause I don't understand your ways
The reason why I wonder if I'll ever know
But, even if you showed me, the hurt would be the same
Cause I'm still here so far away from home

I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
I've never been more homesick than now

In Christ, there are no goodbye
And in Christ, there is no end
So I'll hold onto Jesus with all that I have
To see you again
To see you again

And I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
Won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
Won't you give me strength to make it through somehow

I've never been more homesick than now

Today was the 2nd worst day of my life. The worst was the day Donnie left me. How do I say goodbye to my soulmate? I am so lost without him. I don't know what to do with myself. The last few days are very much a blur. How am I supposed to continue on without him? My heart hurts so badly.I was truly touched by the number of people who came to pay their respects to Donnie. So many came from far away to pay their last respects to him. He touched so many lives. So many people loved him. Everyone has a Donnie story. There were so many wonderful things said about him. I was so proud to be his wife. I always have been. Now I sit and try to figure out who I am without him. I don't even know if I know how to be me without him. He was such a part of me and still is and always will be.Thank you to everyone for your support and wishes and prayers. They mean so much to me. I am at a loss for words, that is so unlike me so I will end this with my usual.
Love to all
Keep praying
Robin

Donnie's arrangement..s have been updated as follows..
.Wake: Sunday, April 19th from 5-9
Visiting: Monday 10-12:30& Services at 12:30, at Ourso Funeral Home.
Burial will follow at Hope Haven Garden of Memories, on Hwy. 30 in Gonzales.

Thank you to everyone for your love and support. It means so very much to me and our family and I know what it would mean alot to Donnie as well.
Donnie fought a long and courageous battle against this cancer and I can honestly say he never complained. He showed so many of us what true courage was. He lived every day of the last 18 months like he didn't have cancer. He didn't want people to treat him any differently and they didn't. He had cancer but it didn't have him. During his fight he became our hero and last night he became our angel. He knew it was time and he was ready to go and he was surrounded by the people who loved him the most. He is at peace now and though I miss him so very much right now and I will forever, I am glad that he isn't suffering anymore.
The last week was hard on him but he was a true fighter.I can't imagine my world without Donnie. He is truly my soulmate and I am so lost that I don't know what to do. I am broken . I never knew that I could feel such physical pain from losing someone. I feel that my heart was ripped from my chest and thought I would never be able to breathe again.. I don't know how I will ever get thru this. I keep asking Donnie to help me and give me strength as he always did. I am sure that he will help me find it.

With that being said, I consider myself very fortunate to have been loved by Donnie. Before him, I never knew that I was worthy of such love. I am so proud to be his wife. He is the most amazing man I have ever known and this world just won't be the same without him in it. Donnie never met a stranger and I can honestly say I have never known of one person who didn't like Donnie. He was just that kind of man that drew you into him with his charm. He is the best thing that ever happened to me and I was blessed to have him. I am thankful that we were able to say our goodbyes. Donnie was able to tell the kids everything he needed them to know. He and I shared all the things that we needed to said all the things that we wanted to say and I know that there are no words left unspoken between us. I will cherish that for the rest of my life.

One of the last things that he told me when he was coherent was how much he loved me "always and forever' and he wanted to make sure I never forgot that. He told me he would wait for me on the other side of the path.

Rest in Peace my love and wait for me on the other side of that path where we will share our always and forever.