Donnie's birthday was Thursday. He would have been 46. Sometimes, it feels like forever and other times I still can't believe I won't ever see him again on this earth. Our wedding anniversary was Sunday. It's been a rough week for me. Although he left us way to soon, we were very blessed to have shared our lives with him. Happy Birthday in heaven Donnie. We will always love you and still miss you every single day.
Monday, September 27, 2010
Sunday, September 5, 2010
fear
I haven’t been writing as much lately. And with that, it seems I have had more moments where I am struggling with stress. I think that is part of my problem. My writing gives my feelings an outlet. It puts words to the fears and random thoughts in my mind that I can’t say out loud and helps me sort out my feelings. Seems lately I have been holding onto to all of those feelings and fears and stuffing them down and not accepting and dealing with them. By not dealing with them, they stay with me and continue to haunt me. I have heard the expression “the grief that does not speak, doubles” .
Since Donnie was diagnosed with cancer, my whole world changed. I was cruizin along thru my life and things were good. That is how they were supposed to be. And then WHAM, someone yanked a rug out from under me and turned my world upside down. And if that wasn’t bad enough then they dropped a house on me!!
I hate what that did to me. As a person. I hate how it changed me. It made me afraid. I have lived in fear for the last 3 years . And I hate it. I have this awful feeling of waiting for the other shoe to drop. Sometimes it’s like I am waiting for it to happen. And it makes me crazy. As I am sure it does others around me. This fear can get a grip on me and drag me back into the dark. I have to confront this fear and move past it. I don’t want to live in the dark anymore. I want to live in the light.
The fear comes and it goes. Seems it has been coming more than going lately. I think more so because my life is good now. I am happy and content. Fear whispers in my ear that when things are good, bad things happen and it can all be taken away. It taunts me. I know it isn’t a rational fear, but whoever said grief was rational?
I will say this, there used to be a time when all I wanted to do was crawl in the bed and pull the covers over my head and stay there with my grief and shut out the world. It was so easy to stay there . I held onto my grief like a warm blanket. I felt that it connected me to Donnie. Now I know better. I have learn to in a sense let go of some of that grief and I am living again. I guess the fear is a sign of me living my life again and finding happiness. So maybe in some small way, it’s a good thing.
I was told so many times that “time will heal” I don’t agree with that wholeheartedly. I think time makes you stronger. And that strength helps you to deal with the grief. I think that some people see me now and think that my happiness cancels out the sadness of losing Donnie. I AM happy now but at times I am sad too. He was someone I loved very much and he is gone. If I lost my grandparent or parent or child or sibling or friend, no one else could “take that pain away” or replace them. If you lost a child and had another, do they think that the next child would take away the pain of losing the first? why is it when it is a spouse/ signifigant other do people feel that if you fall in love again that the other pain is gone? Love is love. There is no difference.
I was afraid to move on with my life but I have and I am glad that I did. I miss Donnie and I love him and I will always love him. But he is gone. he was taken from us. And I have found that my heart is big enough to find love again And I know that I am strong enough to accept and embrace my new life without losing the love and memories of my life before. I like to think that would make Donnie smile.
Since Donnie was diagnosed with cancer, my whole world changed. I was cruizin along thru my life and things were good. That is how they were supposed to be. And then WHAM, someone yanked a rug out from under me and turned my world upside down. And if that wasn’t bad enough then they dropped a house on me!!
I hate what that did to me. As a person. I hate how it changed me. It made me afraid. I have lived in fear for the last 3 years . And I hate it. I have this awful feeling of waiting for the other shoe to drop. Sometimes it’s like I am waiting for it to happen. And it makes me crazy. As I am sure it does others around me. This fear can get a grip on me and drag me back into the dark. I have to confront this fear and move past it. I don’t want to live in the dark anymore. I want to live in the light.
The fear comes and it goes. Seems it has been coming more than going lately. I think more so because my life is good now. I am happy and content. Fear whispers in my ear that when things are good, bad things happen and it can all be taken away. It taunts me. I know it isn’t a rational fear, but whoever said grief was rational?
I will say this, there used to be a time when all I wanted to do was crawl in the bed and pull the covers over my head and stay there with my grief and shut out the world. It was so easy to stay there . I held onto my grief like a warm blanket. I felt that it connected me to Donnie. Now I know better. I have learn to in a sense let go of some of that grief and I am living again. I guess the fear is a sign of me living my life again and finding happiness. So maybe in some small way, it’s a good thing.
I was told so many times that “time will heal” I don’t agree with that wholeheartedly. I think time makes you stronger. And that strength helps you to deal with the grief. I think that some people see me now and think that my happiness cancels out the sadness of losing Donnie. I AM happy now but at times I am sad too. He was someone I loved very much and he is gone. If I lost my grandparent or parent or child or sibling or friend, no one else could “take that pain away” or replace them. If you lost a child and had another, do they think that the next child would take away the pain of losing the first? why is it when it is a spouse/ signifigant other do people feel that if you fall in love again that the other pain is gone? Love is love. There is no difference.
I was afraid to move on with my life but I have and I am glad that I did. I miss Donnie and I love him and I will always love him. But he is gone. he was taken from us. And I have found that my heart is big enough to find love again And I know that I am strong enough to accept and embrace my new life without losing the love and memories of my life before. I like to think that would make Donnie smile.
Monday, June 21, 2010
I haven’t been posting as many blogs lately. It’s not that I haven’t been writing. It’s just that I have made the choice to keep some parts of my life private. Over the last 2 ½ years, I have made the choice to make mine and Donnie’s journey a public one, for several reasons. One reason was to keep family and friends informed of Donnie’s progress and I continued because of the help that it has provided others. I have been an open book all of this time. But now, I am moving on to a new chapter in my life. It is hard enough to move on with my life without the scrutiny of being under a microscope. It was hard for me for quite a while being judged by some for moving on with my life. But I have come to terms with it and it doesn’t bother me as much anymore. No one else has walked in my shoes and I am ok with the path I have chosen.
Donnie’s diagnosis and losing him was the most difficult thing I have ever faced. The last 2+ years have been the most difficult of my life. But I hope that I am coming out of the other side a stronger person and a better person. One who is more understanding, more patient and more loving. I think that I have a better appreciation for life and the people in mine.
I am moving forward with my life and I can honestly say that I am happier than I thought I would be again . I never thought I would find happiness again. Even with my happiness, the grief is still there. It isn’t that razor sharp searing pain that it was a year ago but it’s still there. I think it will always be. But I am happy again. I still miss Donnie and still find myself thinking, “ I need to tell Donnie that” over things he would find funny. And I still find myself thinking “ I need to ask Donnie, he would remember”. And as soon as that thought crosses my mind, I am reminded that he is gone. And that ache is magnified again. Being happy doesn’t take away the fact that I miss him. One has nothing to do with the other.
I could sit here and still write about poor me and how awful it was and dwell on what we went thru. But if I learned anything from all of this and especially what I learned from Donnie is that my life is too short to just lie down and play the victim. Even after everything that happened, I still consider myself very lucky. I have been very blessed. All the pain, the tears and all the heartache of losing him was all worth what I shared with him.
But, now it is time for me to find my future. I can’t live in the past. I will take Donnie’s memory with me always. But I can’t continue to bring his ghost with me. I don’t know if that makes any sense to anyone but me. I will always carry him in my heart, but it is time for me to move forward and in a sense, let go of the future we had planned and find my new life that he wanted so badly for me. To find that same new life that I want for myself too.
If I am always looking behind me, I can’t see where I am going.
So all I can do is keep moving forward. Not only do I think that Donnie would approve, I think he would be happy for me.
Donnie’s diagnosis and losing him was the most difficult thing I have ever faced. The last 2+ years have been the most difficult of my life. But I hope that I am coming out of the other side a stronger person and a better person. One who is more understanding, more patient and more loving. I think that I have a better appreciation for life and the people in mine.
I am moving forward with my life and I can honestly say that I am happier than I thought I would be again . I never thought I would find happiness again. Even with my happiness, the grief is still there. It isn’t that razor sharp searing pain that it was a year ago but it’s still there. I think it will always be. But I am happy again. I still miss Donnie and still find myself thinking, “ I need to tell Donnie that” over things he would find funny. And I still find myself thinking “ I need to ask Donnie, he would remember”. And as soon as that thought crosses my mind, I am reminded that he is gone. And that ache is magnified again. Being happy doesn’t take away the fact that I miss him. One has nothing to do with the other.
I could sit here and still write about poor me and how awful it was and dwell on what we went thru. But if I learned anything from all of this and especially what I learned from Donnie is that my life is too short to just lie down and play the victim. Even after everything that happened, I still consider myself very lucky. I have been very blessed. All the pain, the tears and all the heartache of losing him was all worth what I shared with him.
But, now it is time for me to find my future. I can’t live in the past. I will take Donnie’s memory with me always. But I can’t continue to bring his ghost with me. I don’t know if that makes any sense to anyone but me. I will always carry him in my heart, but it is time for me to move forward and in a sense, let go of the future we had planned and find my new life that he wanted so badly for me. To find that same new life that I want for myself too.
If I am always looking behind me, I can’t see where I am going.
So all I can do is keep moving forward. Not only do I think that Donnie would approve, I think he would be happy for me.
Monday, May 17, 2010
400 days
I have lived 400 days without Donnie. So many things have happened in those 400 days since he left. I have missed him every day of those 400 days. I have wanted to call him a million times to tell him something or ask him something. Justin just finished his 2nd semester in college. Courtney is going to her senior year of high school. Caley is talking up a storm. Shantel has found love and happiness in her life with a good man. And I have managed to get thru these last 400 days and I am still here to tell my story. 400 days ago I would have told you that I would have never made it to this point. I couldn’t even imagine an hour ahead much less a year. I would have told you that there was no way in the world I would ever smile again. I would tell you that I couldn’t go on and move forward in my life without Donnie by my side. I would have told you that I would never be happy again. 400 days ago our world changed 100%. Our “normal” was taken away and we were forced to adjust and even accept this “new normal” that we live each day.
People sometimes still walk on eggshells around me. Afraid to mention Donnie’s name in fear of it “setting me off” or making me cry. Some still treat me like I am broken. They think if they remind me of Donnie by speaking his name it will make me sad. It would make me even sadder to pretend he never existed. It’s hard for me to understand why talking about him seems “awkward” for people who knew him and loved him. It doesn’t make a difference if they talk about him or not, I still know he is gone. I am faced with that everyday. Someone speaking of him doesn’t spare me from knowing and remembering that he is gone. Maybe those people can “hide” from the fact that he is gone because they didn’t see him or speak to him every day. I have been constantly reminded of it every day for the last 400 days. It’s not something I can hide from. It is my reality. But I have accepted it. It hasn’t been easy. I have accepted this reality because I have faced it and still face it every single day. And in that acceptance, I made the choice to keep on living and move forward. What other choice did I have really? I could have stayed in bed I guess with the covers pulled over my head and shut out the world. Lord knows I wanted to for a long time and there are days that I still want to do that. But I didn’t and I choose not to do that. I choose to live my life the way that Donnie wanted me to. He wanted me to continue living even though it meant without him. I couldn’t hide from my grief I had to confront it and move thru it. It’s not something that you can hide from. It will find you.
400 days. Seems like and eternity.I think about how much my world has changed in these 400 days. I couldn’t imagine what today would be like. I have travelled a long and treacherous path of grief and self discovery. I have learned that I am stronger than I ever thought I could be. I learned in those 400 days, life goes on, no matter what. The world doesn’t stop for your grief. You somehow find a way to move forward. I will never “ be over” losing Donnie, I will ALWAYS grieve for and miss him but I have found out and accepted that I am still living . I have found someone who makes me smile again. If you would have told me that 400 days ago, I would have told you that you were crazy. And I would have been wrong.
People sometimes still walk on eggshells around me. Afraid to mention Donnie’s name in fear of it “setting me off” or making me cry. Some still treat me like I am broken. They think if they remind me of Donnie by speaking his name it will make me sad. It would make me even sadder to pretend he never existed. It’s hard for me to understand why talking about him seems “awkward” for people who knew him and loved him. It doesn’t make a difference if they talk about him or not, I still know he is gone. I am faced with that everyday. Someone speaking of him doesn’t spare me from knowing and remembering that he is gone. Maybe those people can “hide” from the fact that he is gone because they didn’t see him or speak to him every day. I have been constantly reminded of it every day for the last 400 days. It’s not something I can hide from. It is my reality. But I have accepted it. It hasn’t been easy. I have accepted this reality because I have faced it and still face it every single day. And in that acceptance, I made the choice to keep on living and move forward. What other choice did I have really? I could have stayed in bed I guess with the covers pulled over my head and shut out the world. Lord knows I wanted to for a long time and there are days that I still want to do that. But I didn’t and I choose not to do that. I choose to live my life the way that Donnie wanted me to. He wanted me to continue living even though it meant without him. I couldn’t hide from my grief I had to confront it and move thru it. It’s not something that you can hide from. It will find you.
400 days. Seems like and eternity.I think about how much my world has changed in these 400 days. I couldn’t imagine what today would be like. I have travelled a long and treacherous path of grief and self discovery. I have learned that I am stronger than I ever thought I could be. I learned in those 400 days, life goes on, no matter what. The world doesn’t stop for your grief. You somehow find a way to move forward. I will never “ be over” losing Donnie, I will ALWAYS grieve for and miss him but I have found out and accepted that I am still living . I have found someone who makes me smile again. If you would have told me that 400 days ago, I would have told you that you were crazy. And I would have been wrong.
Monday, May 10, 2010
Caley
The bond that Caley shared with Donnie was amazing to say the least. You know for the quite a while, I was angry with God for giving Donnie cancer. But after time I realized that God didn’t give him cancer. God gave him 18 months. Donnie came into our lives when Courtney was 3 and without even trying, became their “Daddy”. He was an amazing Daddy. He was there for it all, the little league, the dance recitals, the doctors appointments and school plays. He didn’t miss a thing. He was a natural. But often times I felt guilty for denying him biological children. His answer to me was “ we already have kids” . I truly believe that if we had been able to have biological children that he wouldn’t have treated them any differently than the ones we had already. He was a Daddy and he raised them. They were no longer, my children. They were our children.
After Donnie died, I was talking to one of his friends. Donnie had been friends with him and a group of guys they played golf with for about 5 years. He told me that they didn’t realize that the kids weren’t Donnie’s biological children. He was amazed that most of them didn’t know that. He told me that the way Donnie spoke of them, they were his children. I told him they were.
Donnie always loved kids but was weary of little babies. Until Caley came along. He walked into that hospital room and picked that baby up and never put her down. He was a natural with her. And he got to experience all the things with her that he missed out on with our kids. It was the closest to “his” baby,he would ever have. Shantel and Caley lived with us and Caley was a Poppy’s girl. She always wanted Poppy. The bond between them was special to witness. When Donnie went in the hospital, she didn’t understand. When he came home she just wanted to be on him, in his lap, next to him. She just wanted him. When he died, she cried for him, a lot. It was heart wrenching. She wasn’t quite 2 yet. She didn’t understand where he had gone. She was clingy and sometimes pictures of him would make her look so sad. It broke my heart for her to cry for him. But at the same time, I knew it would break my heart even more when she didn’t. I made a promise to Donnie that she would always know who her Poppy was and how much he loved her. It is a promise I intend to keep. For a long time, she would see his picture and grab it and kiss it and say over and over, “ I love you Poppy”. I would often times call his voicemail to listen to his voice and if it was on speaker she would grab the phone and start saying the same thing into the phone. Telling him how much she loved him. Just in the last few months she has stopped asking for him. She sees his picture, she knows who he is. But she doesn’t talk about him like she used to. It breaks my heart for what she is missing out on by not having this special man in her life. I know he is with her and he watches over her though. The other day she was with me and I was getting ready to go somewhere and she was just playing as I was getting ready and it was like she had an “Aha” moment of her own. She almost caught her breath and turned around to me and asked “Mimi!!!! Where is Poppy?!!? I was speechless for just a second and thought that I had heard her wrong. I said “what?” she asked matter of factly again “where’s poppy?” I told her that he was in heaven, watching over her. And that seemed to satisfy her question. But watching her, it was like she remembered that he was supposed to be here. Not just that she remembered who we told her he was. It had been over a year since she had seen him. It was quite the bond that they had. How amazing is it that she still remembers?
I was angry with God for quite a while. I was angry that there are serial killers and child molesters walking the street perfectly healthy. I wanted to know why Donnie. It took me a while but I came to realize that God didn’t give Donnie cancer. Satan did. And when the doctors gave him 4 months to live, God gave him 18 months to be the Poppy that he was and experience what he had given up to be a Daddy to my children. What a blessing for God to give him. He deserved it, he was always such a blessing to us.
After Donnie died, I was talking to one of his friends. Donnie had been friends with him and a group of guys they played golf with for about 5 years. He told me that they didn’t realize that the kids weren’t Donnie’s biological children. He was amazed that most of them didn’t know that. He told me that the way Donnie spoke of them, they were his children. I told him they were.
Donnie always loved kids but was weary of little babies. Until Caley came along. He walked into that hospital room and picked that baby up and never put her down. He was a natural with her. And he got to experience all the things with her that he missed out on with our kids. It was the closest to “his” baby,he would ever have. Shantel and Caley lived with us and Caley was a Poppy’s girl. She always wanted Poppy. The bond between them was special to witness. When Donnie went in the hospital, she didn’t understand. When he came home she just wanted to be on him, in his lap, next to him. She just wanted him. When he died, she cried for him, a lot. It was heart wrenching. She wasn’t quite 2 yet. She didn’t understand where he had gone. She was clingy and sometimes pictures of him would make her look so sad. It broke my heart for her to cry for him. But at the same time, I knew it would break my heart even more when she didn’t. I made a promise to Donnie that she would always know who her Poppy was and how much he loved her. It is a promise I intend to keep. For a long time, she would see his picture and grab it and kiss it and say over and over, “ I love you Poppy”. I would often times call his voicemail to listen to his voice and if it was on speaker she would grab the phone and start saying the same thing into the phone. Telling him how much she loved him. Just in the last few months she has stopped asking for him. She sees his picture, she knows who he is. But she doesn’t talk about him like she used to. It breaks my heart for what she is missing out on by not having this special man in her life. I know he is with her and he watches over her though. The other day she was with me and I was getting ready to go somewhere and she was just playing as I was getting ready and it was like she had an “Aha” moment of her own. She almost caught her breath and turned around to me and asked “Mimi!!!! Where is Poppy?!!? I was speechless for just a second and thought that I had heard her wrong. I said “what?” she asked matter of factly again “where’s poppy?” I told her that he was in heaven, watching over her. And that seemed to satisfy her question. But watching her, it was like she remembered that he was supposed to be here. Not just that she remembered who we told her he was. It had been over a year since she had seen him. It was quite the bond that they had. How amazing is it that she still remembers?
I was angry with God for quite a while. I was angry that there are serial killers and child molesters walking the street perfectly healthy. I wanted to know why Donnie. It took me a while but I came to realize that God didn’t give Donnie cancer. Satan did. And when the doctors gave him 4 months to live, God gave him 18 months to be the Poppy that he was and experience what he had given up to be a Daddy to my children. What a blessing for God to give him. He deserved it, he was always such a blessing to us.
Monday, April 26, 2010
Today
Today is a good day. It’s a beautiful day. Here I am on day 375 and I can say that today I am ok. When I woke up this morning, my first thought wasn’t “Donnie’s gone”. That doesn’t mean the grief is gone. It still waits around the corner for me. Stalking me. I think it will hide in the shadows for the rest of my life. BUT, I am ok today. Today I stand strong and grounded and blessed. I am grateful for the blessings in my life. I am grateful for Donnie and what we shared. My friends and family and even the kindness of strangers and I am grateful and blessed.
I have been wanting “normal” back in my life for the last 2 ½ years. But I have come to the conclusion that I won’t ever find that “normal” again that I had before. And FINALLY, I am ok with that. I am ok with things not being the way they were before. I don’t think I will ever feel that “normal” again. And I quit fighting it. No, I didn’t want to be a widow. No, I didn’t want anything to do with what it meant that I would go thru. But I am a widow and I have accepted that. I can’t go back and change anything. I can’t go back and capture that “normal” that I had before. I can only work on and accept my new normal. It feels good not to fight it anymore. Don’t get me wrong, this isn’t exactly the path that I would have chosen to travel in my life, but it was the path that I have been given. I am choosing to be ok with the new normal that I have given. It’s not always easy, but I am OK with that.
Yes, today, I am ok. Today I am happy. Today I laughed, today I smiled and today I appreciated how lucky I am. And I won’t take for granted the things that are important and the blessing of TODAY.
Donnie’s death didn’t destroy me. I am still standing. And when someone asks today, how are you?, It won’t be a lie this time when I say, “I’m ok.”
I have been wanting “normal” back in my life for the last 2 ½ years. But I have come to the conclusion that I won’t ever find that “normal” again that I had before. And FINALLY, I am ok with that. I am ok with things not being the way they were before. I don’t think I will ever feel that “normal” again. And I quit fighting it. No, I didn’t want to be a widow. No, I didn’t want anything to do with what it meant that I would go thru. But I am a widow and I have accepted that. I can’t go back and change anything. I can’t go back and capture that “normal” that I had before. I can only work on and accept my new normal. It feels good not to fight it anymore. Don’t get me wrong, this isn’t exactly the path that I would have chosen to travel in my life, but it was the path that I have been given. I am choosing to be ok with the new normal that I have given. It’s not always easy, but I am OK with that.
Yes, today, I am ok. Today I am happy. Today I laughed, today I smiled and today I appreciated how lucky I am. And I won’t take for granted the things that are important and the blessing of TODAY.
Donnie’s death didn’t destroy me. I am still standing. And when someone asks today, how are you?, It won’t be a lie this time when I say, “I’m ok.”
Thursday, April 15, 2010
one year
Dear Donnie,
Wow, one year. Most people say that can’t believe it has been a year already. I can’t believe it’s only been a year. It seems like forever since I have seen you.
It’s been a while since I have written you a letter. It isn’t as easy to write you letters as it was before. It’s gotten harder. It isn’t that I don’t want to talk to you or don’t think of you every single day. I remember for the first 6 or 8 months, I wrote them to you all the time. My words and my tears spilled on to the page. I cried all the words I wish I could have spoken to you. I still speak to you in my heart. It’s just so different now. My life is so different than when you were here. What a difference a year can make. If someone would have told me a year ago that I would be able to function again thru a day and even smile, I would have told them that they were full of shit! Now there were people that told me that time would heal my pain and I can say that is bullshit. The pain is still there. It isn’t as raw as it was a year ago but it still hurts
The pain of your death changed me. Have I healed? Some, I guess. I would say that I have more learned to cope than heal. My hearts been stitched up, but will always bear the scars of losing you. I think that I held onto the pain of losing you for so long because it was the only way I knew how to hold onto you. The grief and the pain connected me to you. I felt like if I was miserable, that was me being loyal to you. I associated that with being loyal to us and all we were supposed to be. I feared happiness more than I feared loneliness. It was so much easier to curl up in bed and shut out the world. I hated waking up every day. But each day I got out of bed, put on my fake smile and kept going. And slowly I realized that I have so many reasons still to live. I realized that I had to let go of that pain to ever be able to move forward in my life. I am finding me again and I know that you are happy for me.
The guilt of living without you is still there. not as much as before ,but it is still there. I can’t help it. I feel guilty for smiling and being happy. I know what you would tell me. You would tell me that I have no reason to feel that way. You would tell me that you want me to be happy and that feeling guilty won’t change anything or bring you back. And you would be right.
I still find myself wanting to call you and tell you things. I will hear about something and think immediately that “ I need to tell Donnie that” or “ I need to ask Donnie that, he will know”. You always made me feel so confident in my own decisions. I want to ask your advice all the time. But I have come to learn that I am on my own now and have to make decisions alone. It’s funny sometimes how you come back to me in a memory. I will be totally involved in something and a memory will shine bright in my mind and make me smile. I am glad that I can think of you and smile.
So many times I have just wanted to ask you a question. I know what you wanted for me. But I have to ask one more question. Do you mind? I know that you watch over me. I know that you see me. Do you mind that I am moving on with my life? I swore to myself that I never would, but I am. Do you mind that i have found my smile again? Do you mind that I can now picture my future without you in it? Ok, that’s more than one question. But the truth is, I know the answer to all of these questions that I have asked. I just wish I could hear you say the words.
But here are a few things that I want you to know.
I will never forget you. You are in my thoughts and some of my sweetest memories. You touched my soul and loving you changed me and made me a better person. Losing you changed me too. I love you and will love you forever, nothing can change that. I have been afraid to say goodbye to you. But I know that I have to. I miss you. I miss your laugh. I think that is what I miss the most. That and watching you play with Caley. It breaks my heart sometimes to look at her growing up because you aren’t here to see it and be part of it. I know you see her but I hate that she won’t “know” you. She is missing out on so much by not having you in her life. Moving forward is hard. The kids miss you terribly. We are all different without you. But we are going to be ok somehow.
Your life meant so much to so many people. I will always be grateful for the opportunity to share such an important part of my life with you. I am thankful to have been your wife.
I know as I move on that you are somewhere near me, smiling. You taught me to be willing to take risks, so here I go. I hope that you are proud of how far I have come in this last year and I hope you know I will take a part of you with me wherever I go.
I love you
Always & Forever
Robin
Wow, one year. Most people say that can’t believe it has been a year already. I can’t believe it’s only been a year. It seems like forever since I have seen you.
It’s been a while since I have written you a letter. It isn’t as easy to write you letters as it was before. It’s gotten harder. It isn’t that I don’t want to talk to you or don’t think of you every single day. I remember for the first 6 or 8 months, I wrote them to you all the time. My words and my tears spilled on to the page. I cried all the words I wish I could have spoken to you. I still speak to you in my heart. It’s just so different now. My life is so different than when you were here. What a difference a year can make. If someone would have told me a year ago that I would be able to function again thru a day and even smile, I would have told them that they were full of shit! Now there were people that told me that time would heal my pain and I can say that is bullshit. The pain is still there. It isn’t as raw as it was a year ago but it still hurts
The pain of your death changed me. Have I healed? Some, I guess. I would say that I have more learned to cope than heal. My hearts been stitched up, but will always bear the scars of losing you. I think that I held onto the pain of losing you for so long because it was the only way I knew how to hold onto you. The grief and the pain connected me to you. I felt like if I was miserable, that was me being loyal to you. I associated that with being loyal to us and all we were supposed to be. I feared happiness more than I feared loneliness. It was so much easier to curl up in bed and shut out the world. I hated waking up every day. But each day I got out of bed, put on my fake smile and kept going. And slowly I realized that I have so many reasons still to live. I realized that I had to let go of that pain to ever be able to move forward in my life. I am finding me again and I know that you are happy for me.
The guilt of living without you is still there. not as much as before ,but it is still there. I can’t help it. I feel guilty for smiling and being happy. I know what you would tell me. You would tell me that I have no reason to feel that way. You would tell me that you want me to be happy and that feeling guilty won’t change anything or bring you back. And you would be right.
I still find myself wanting to call you and tell you things. I will hear about something and think immediately that “ I need to tell Donnie that” or “ I need to ask Donnie that, he will know”. You always made me feel so confident in my own decisions. I want to ask your advice all the time. But I have come to learn that I am on my own now and have to make decisions alone. It’s funny sometimes how you come back to me in a memory. I will be totally involved in something and a memory will shine bright in my mind and make me smile. I am glad that I can think of you and smile.
So many times I have just wanted to ask you a question. I know what you wanted for me. But I have to ask one more question. Do you mind? I know that you watch over me. I know that you see me. Do you mind that I am moving on with my life? I swore to myself that I never would, but I am. Do you mind that i have found my smile again? Do you mind that I can now picture my future without you in it? Ok, that’s more than one question. But the truth is, I know the answer to all of these questions that I have asked. I just wish I could hear you say the words.
But here are a few things that I want you to know.
I will never forget you. You are in my thoughts and some of my sweetest memories. You touched my soul and loving you changed me and made me a better person. Losing you changed me too. I love you and will love you forever, nothing can change that. I have been afraid to say goodbye to you. But I know that I have to. I miss you. I miss your laugh. I think that is what I miss the most. That and watching you play with Caley. It breaks my heart sometimes to look at her growing up because you aren’t here to see it and be part of it. I know you see her but I hate that she won’t “know” you. She is missing out on so much by not having you in her life. Moving forward is hard. The kids miss you terribly. We are all different without you. But we are going to be ok somehow.
Your life meant so much to so many people. I will always be grateful for the opportunity to share such an important part of my life with you. I am thankful to have been your wife.
I know as I move on that you are somewhere near me, smiling. You taught me to be willing to take risks, so here I go. I hope that you are proud of how far I have come in this last year and I hope you know I will take a part of you with me wherever I go.
I love you
Always & Forever
Robin
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