Tuesday, April 16, 2013

Dear Donnie,

It’s been 4 years since you left us.  4 years.  208 weeks or 1,461 days.   Most of the time I feel like it has been so much longer because I feel your absence SO much.  Time ticks by so slowly when you are in pain. It feels like forever.   But at the same time, I can close my eyes and picture there next to me like you always were.   I remember for atleast the first year wanting time to pass so I would be further away from the pain of losing you.  Everyone said that time heals.  So I desperately wanted time to pass by quickly so the pain would be gone.  But the pain isn’t gone.  I have learned to live with it the best that I can.  I still miss you every single day.  There is still a part of me that is missing.  I don’t feel whole anymore.  The part of me that is missing is you.

  We were so blessed to share that kind of love.   Even though it means that I hurt as much as I do with you gone, the connection between us was truly special.   The pain that continues is worth what we shared.  I would do it all over again.  Oh how I wish we would have had more time.   There are so many things that I have wanted to tell you.  There are so many things I have wanted you to see.   A day doesn’t go by that I don’t want to tell you something.   I still have that “ I need to tell Donnie that”  or  “I need to ask Donnie, he will remember”   I miss our remember whens. So much of what we shared was just you and I so I can’t “remember when” anymore. 

I wish you could see Caley now.  She has grown so much.  I can’t even believe she is in kindergarten now.  How did that happen?   She was so little when you left us.  She is such a funny girl.  She can be so silly.  I know how you would have loved to be silly with her.   She is so beautiful.   And such a good big sister.  I can’t even fathom that you haven’t met Ryder and he won’t get to know you.  He is growing like a weed and just all boy.  He is a momma’s boy but I am sure that you would having none of that.  He would be a Poppys boy, just as Caley was a Poppy’s girl. 

Shantel is such a good mom.  Still overprotective as always, but really a good mom.  And Pat’s love for Caley reminds us all of you and how you loved the kids.  How they were yours.  No matter what anyone said.

Justin has become quite the pool shark.  You would be proud.  I wish you would have had more time together so he could have learned from you.  He’s pretty good.  He pouts when I kick his butt!  HAHA.  But I always remind him that you wouldn’t have given him any slack either.

Courtney has become quite the little career woman.  Being stubborn and persistent led to her last promotion.  I think you would have called it hard headed.  She hasn’t grown any taller.  Still the short little tutti butt she always has been.  I don’t think she will ever age. 

They have all grown up so much since you were here with us.  The kids have become young adults that you would be so proud of.   Losing you changed all of us.   In ways it made us stronger, because we learned what we could endure.  It made us appreciate the little things so much more. 

We all miss you so very much.  What I wouldn’t give just to hear you laugh.  I miss that.   There are so many things that we miss. 

But even though I struggle with losing you, somehow I have come out the other side. I learned to smile without you somehow.  I didn’t think I ever would.   The pain is still there, I guess I have just managed to figure out a way for the pain and happiness to coexist somehow.   You knew I would.  You always believed in me.  And you told me that I would get to this point.   You told me it wouldn’t be easy but I would make it.   You were right.  ( Yeah yeah, I know you always were)   It still isn’t easy but I do try every day to make you proud.  I don’t always make the right decisions and I can still screw things up pretty good. ( and you aren’t here to clean it all up for me)  But I try.  I have the best intentions.

I still THANK GOD every day for the blessing you were to me.

I love you still
Always and Forever

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