Tuesday, March 22, 2011

just when you thought it was safe to go back in the water

Just when you thought it was safe to go back in the water………

I have lived the last several years just waiting on the other shoe to drop. Cancer put a fear in me of my world being ripped apart. As much as I try not to wait for something bad to happen, fear still sneaks up on me when things are going good and whispers in my ear. It taunts me and tells me that bad things happen. And things have been good in my life. I am happy.
I have tried to find my place in the well world again after being immersed in the world of cancer for so long. I was finding my place here again. I am happy and loved and planning my future. And then the other shoe fell with a resounding thud. Cancer reared its ugly head and reached back into my life and my world and turned it upside down again. My step mother was recently diagnosed with lung cancer. Small cell. Very aggressive. She has battled stage 4 cancer before and beat it. Yet here she stands again, fighting for her life. I think that she is one of the toughest women I have ever met. She is one of the toughest people I have ever met. During Donnie’s journey thru cancer, she was his confidant. She was his mother in law, his hospice nurse and most of all his friend. And she was my rock. There were times I didn’t think that I could make it thru and she was there, picking me up, at times letting me cry , others drying my eyes and always cheering me on. Not that being Donnie’s nurse or watching me lose him wasn’t hard on her. I know it was very hard for her. But she has this inner strength that is pretty amazing to witness. And now, as she fights for her life again, that strength is evident. Her faith is strong. She believes in Gods plan. I only wish I had her strength.

The child in me wants to scream IT’S NOT FAIR. She has done this already!!!! She has suffered thru and beat cancer once already. Is that not enough? There are serial killers and child molesters walking the streets perfectly healthy yet good people are fighting cancer. I don’t understand and I question it. And she reminds me that God has a plan for her. But I still want to know why? But then again, God himself could stand in front of me and tell me why and I am sure the answer wouldn’t make me feel any better. I guess I am selfish that way.
I got a call the other day from another dear friend of mine who has been having some health issues to tell me that they had to have a biopsy. My heart is heavy. I have been waiting for the other shoe to fall and now feel like shoes are being thrown at me here. I hate to see the people that I love facing these obstacles.
I sometimes wonder how my family can face this again. How will we ever get thru this fight? But I know that somehow , someway, just like we have done before, we will fight this together. I am still (as Shelia tells me) finding my legs in my new life. She doesn’t want me to be sucked back into the world of cancer. It can’t be helped. I am still walking the path of my new life the best way I know how. It’s harder now with all of this. I’m angry and the hurt makes me push people away. Especially those closest to me. But each day I try again. It’s all any of us can do.
Cherish those you love. Wrap your arms around them and enjoy every moment you are given. Don’t get so wrapped up in your day to day that you forget what and who is truly important to you. Don’t ever take today for granted. None of us are promised tomorrow.

1 comment:

Sandy said...

Robin - I am so sorry that cancer has found its way into your world again. I can only imagine how agonizing this is for you and the memories it brings back. Please try to keep your head up and push through this. As you already know, you will survive.