Monday, June 21, 2010

I haven’t been posting as many blogs lately. It’s not that I haven’t been writing. It’s just that I have made the choice to keep some parts of my life private. Over the last 2 ½ years, I have made the choice to make mine and Donnie’s journey a public one, for several reasons. One reason was to keep family and friends informed of Donnie’s progress and I continued because of the help that it has provided others. I have been an open book all of this time. But now, I am moving on to a new chapter in my life. It is hard enough to move on with my life without the scrutiny of being under a microscope. It was hard for me for quite a while being judged by some for moving on with my life. But I have come to terms with it and it doesn’t bother me as much anymore. No one else has walked in my shoes and I am ok with the path I have chosen.

Donnie’s diagnosis and losing him was the most difficult thing I have ever faced. The last 2+ years have been the most difficult of my life. But I hope that I am coming out of the other side a stronger person and a better person. One who is more understanding, more patient and more loving. I think that I have a better appreciation for life and the people in mine.

I am moving forward with my life and I can honestly say that I am happier than I thought I would be again . I never thought I would find happiness again. Even with my happiness, the grief is still there. It isn’t that razor sharp searing pain that it was a year ago but it’s still there. I think it will always be. But I am happy again. I still miss Donnie and still find myself thinking, “ I need to tell Donnie that” over things he would find funny. And I still find myself thinking “ I need to ask Donnie, he would remember”. And as soon as that thought crosses my mind, I am reminded that he is gone. And that ache is magnified again. Being happy doesn’t take away the fact that I miss him. One has nothing to do with the other.

I could sit here and still write about poor me and how awful it was and dwell on what we went thru. But if I learned anything from all of this and especially what I learned from Donnie is that my life is too short to just lie down and play the victim. Even after everything that happened, I still consider myself very lucky. I have been very blessed. All the pain, the tears and all the heartache of losing him was all worth what I shared with him.

But, now it is time for me to find my future. I can’t live in the past. I will take Donnie’s memory with me always. But I can’t continue to bring his ghost with me. I don’t know if that makes any sense to anyone but me. I will always carry him in my heart, but it is time for me to move forward and in a sense, let go of the future we had planned and find my new life that he wanted so badly for me. To find that same new life that I want for myself too.

If I am always looking behind me, I can’t see where I am going.

So all I can do is keep moving forward. Not only do I think that Donnie would approve, I think he would be happy for me.


Sandy said...

Good for you Robin! I know exactly how you feel and the scrutiny of friends and family can be overwhelming at times. It is time for you to do what is best for you and know in your heart that it is truly what Donnie wants you to do...Be Happy!

God Bless You.

Deb said...

I am so very happy to read your post today. You have become such a strong woman and I admire you for your writing throughout the difficult times, your courage to move on and now your stance on doing what is best for YOU!
As you say, no one can keep looking at the past, as they will never see where they are going.
You have an amazing gift with words as well.....I wish you a future ahead of happiness and love.

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