Monday, September 21, 2009

It’s still so tough. I miss him. That void is still this huge gaping hole in my heart. I get so overwhelmed by it all sometimes. I look around and wonder “how did I get here? How did it get to the point that I am sitting in the cemetery talking to Donnie?” +

I’ve been angry lately. I want to stomp my feet and scream at the top of my lungs that it just isn’t fair. He deserved so much more life than he had. It wasn’t supposed to be this way.

There are days that I think that I am making so much progress of getting myself together and then there are days (or weeks) that I seem to be falling apart again and it is discouraging to me. I often wonder if I will ever have a new normal. Will I ever have a time that I am not so sad? Then part of me feels guilty for even wanting that. Part of me feels that my grief is my connection to Donnie. It is a vicious roller coaster and it isn’t a good ride. Somebody stop this ride and let me get off!!

I know that every “first” without him will be heartbreaking. My birthday was hard. I worry if my birthday was so hard, how will I handle his birthday Wednesday? Or our anniversary Saturday? Then the girls both have their birthdays the following week. It’s going to be a tough month. I sometimes wonder how I will ever make it thru all of this! I just don’t think that I can.

I am glad that I was able to get away with my friends for my birthday. We smiled and we laughed. There were even a few brief moments that I found “me” again, just not as many as I had hoped for. I found myself thinking of Donnie a lot. I must have thought 100 times “I need to tell Donnie that”.

How in the world am I ever going to find a new normal?


Anonymous said...

I found your blog and have been reading it. My 36 year old husband has esophageal cancer stage T3N1. I was wondering if you could e-mail me at

Dennis Pyritz, RN said...

Hang in there. These are tough times.
I am working on a new project that I am very excited about. I am writing a book about the cancer blogging phenomenon - its scope, aspirations, and reasons for being. I plan to highlight some of the best writing from our blogging community.
As I have previously published your writing in my weekly Guest Post feature at Being cancer, networking people transformed by cancer, I am hoping to get your preliminary permission to use some of your material in the book. I will, of course, give full credit as well as link information. I would also like to arrange for all contributors to receive complimentary copies.
I have not yet secured a publishing contract. But I want to get started compiling some chapters prior to submitting my proposal to a publisher. So if this sounds like something you might be interested in being a part of, please contact me by email. I will be able to tell you the specific posts I am interested in. Please include off-blog contact information.

Dennis W. Pyritz, RN, BA, BSN