As I sit here today on his birthday, I feel drained. I cried all the way to work today. I have tried to recall every memory, every smile, every fight I ever had with Donnie. I am scared. Scared that I might forget some of those memories. How could I? I don’t think I could but it feels like so long since I have seen him and I miss him so. I don’t want to forget one moment that we shared together. I want to keep them all “on file” so I can go back to every one of them and remember any time I want to.
It feels as if the weight of the world is on my shoulders.
I am trying to have good memories and celebrate Donnie’s life and the life we shared together but it is so hard. Every memory makes me so sad cause I miss him so much.
I left work yesterday and went to the cemetery to see him. I sat and talked to him for a while. I cried and told him how much I miss him and how I am so scared that I will forget memories that we made together and that I didn’t want to. I told him that I want to find a way to be happy again. I love him and I miss him so but I can’t stand the hurt. It’s so hard. I have to find a way to be able to deal with the pain and do what I have to do to find happiness in my life again. I told him how I don’t know how I am supposed to do that. I asked him to help me. He was my strength when he was here, he made me feel like I could do anything. I am still trying to draw my strength from him and how much he believed in me. I went home with the intention of crawling into my bed and pulling the covers over my head and crying all night. The pain was unbearable.
I went home and took at bath and got ready for bed and for whatever reason I noticed the home movie cassettes on my dresser and decided to hook up the video camera to the tv to watch. I watched home movies of us as a family all night. Probably 4 hours. It was sad but at the same time it made me feel so much better. I have missed him so much, I miss seeing him, hearing his voice.
It was so good to see him WELL. I know he is well now and not sick anymore. I want to find all of those good memories that we had and hold onto those. It’s not that we didn’t make precious memories in the last 18 months, but I don’t want to focus on the sick memories. I want to remember and cherish the “life” that we shared together. Our carefree days when we still had forever and weren’t living on borrow time.
I can’t say I didn’t cry watching the movies but they were a comfort to me, they made me smile and several made me laugh. There he was, young healthy smiling and joking Donnie. The Donnie that I fell in love with. He was there looking at me and talking to me and smiling and saying I love you . In a way, he was giving me strength to go on without him. It was good to see him. I have missed him so.