Wednesday, October 8, 2008

One year

Today makes one year since we got Donnie’s diagnosis. Looking back, we didn’t know where we would be today. Part of me can’t believe it’s been a year already and the other part feels like he has been fighting this cancer for so long. I just want him to beat it already.
It has been a rollercoaster of emotions. We have had our good days and our bad. And Donnie never ceases to amaze me. He amazes me every single day. If someone can beat this with willpower alone, it would be Donnie. His attitude is amazing. He makes the most out of every day and never complains at all. He has taught me so much. He has accepted his cancer and is fighting it. That is a pretty enormous task. I don’t mean that he has accepted it and is going to let it win. He has accepted “this is what is, I am going to do all I can” I wish I was a strong as him.
I can’t honestly say I have accepted his cancer. I don’t think I have even grieved the diagnosis yet. I know people don’t do it purposely but I sometimes feel like my feelings aren’t validated. Does that make sense? Like I am not supposed to be upset or angry because of Donnie’s cancer. I guess part of our human instinct is that when someone tears up to say “everything is going to be ok” or “Donnie is strong, he will beat this,you have to be positive” People don’t want you to cry because it makes THEM feel uncomfortable or it upsets THEM. Again, I know that people don’t realize that they are doing it . But it sometimes seems that it’s not ok for me to be upset or angry. I think I have every right to be upset and angry and even damn pissed off about it. I should have the right to kick and scream and cry if I want to ( as long as I don’t do it everyday) but I have been made to feel like those aren’t valid emotions that I should have. That I have to be strong for Donnie at all times . So in turn, I hold onto to it all and keep it all in. And I have been holding onto it and holding it in for so long, I don’t know if I can let it go. I don’t know if I am even capable of that.
If I voice my fears people say, but he looks so good! This is a very deceiving cancer. Donnie feels pretty good a lot of days and there are some days he feels pretty yucky. Sometimes he is able to play golf and some days he wants to stay in bed. He pushes through like noone I have ever seen. He goes to work every day and if you met him and didn’t know him, you would never know he was sick and somedays he will tell you , “if the dr’s didn’t tell me I was sick, I wouldn’t know” But the truth is that he is. He is fighting quite a monster.
He keeps busy and just lives every day to the fullest. We could all learn a thing or two from Donnie.
I don’t mean for this to be a negative posting in any way. I think that people just don’t know what to say. I always say that I should write a book on what not to say and what to say to a cancer patient and their families. Sometimes, (most of the time) you don’t need you to say anything. Just be there. Listen and let them know that you love them. I know it doesn’t seem like much but it means more than people know.
I will summarize by saying what a HUGE day it is at this one year mark. Donnie is defying the odds everyday. I pray everyday that he continue to defy those odds and I still pray for the day the dr comes in and says “We don’t know what happened but it’s gone, we can’t find it” Until that day, I will enjoy and live every day to it’s fullest and make the most wonderful memories with my family and my husband and count the many blessings in my life. And I will Thank God for those blessings.
I pray every day for my miracle that will cure Donnie but sometimes I worry I got my miracle already. HIM.
I never met a Hero until my husband became one.
Love to all
Keep praying Robin

1 comment:

Jeaux said...


I'm so glad you've finally updated the post. WOW. A whole year? That almost doesn't seem possible.

It's true that people really don't know what to say in situations such as these. Even sadder, is that some people choose to not socialize with friends they've known years just because one or the other is ill. Like, it's contagious or something, or being sick makes that person any less their friend. Or, that they love this person too much to watch them wither away.

Donnie is an amazing man, which makes you amazing as well. He may be your hero, but you are mine - the way you stick by him and still hold your family together. Making as many memories as you can for your kids and grand daughter to carry with them forever. But, you are both human; as such, you have every right to lash out kicking and screaming. Doesn't mean you care any less or are weak. It just means you've had enough, thank you very much. In fact, I think you'd be in denial if you didn't feel that way every now and then. And like the little spit fire you are, still you keep your chin down and fists up, fighting along side Donnie every single day. Fighting a common enemy that you can not wrap your hands around.

So, what can you do about it? The only thing you can do - take it day by day. Hour by hour if you have to. If you are angry and frustrated one hour, so be it. Recognise it for what it is and let it happen. You cannot keep things like that bottled up - it's unhealthy for you and those around you.

If you feel like ranting, I am here. I will listen. Really, I will. May be that I am feeling just as frustrated as you at that particular time and we can vent together!

Take care Robin. My thoughts and prayers are with you both everyday.