I find myself thinking so much of Donnie lately. I am just trying to remember every facial expression every laugh. I want to dream about him. I only have twice. The first time I dreamed of him, he was still sick and he was mad at me and wouldn’t speak to me. Then a month or so ago when I was struggling so hard with wanting to be happy again, I dreamed of him again. This time it was young healthy Donnie. He still had his hair, (His full head of hair) and he was wearing that purple pinstriped LSU shirt that I forgot he even had. It was so good to see him. He didn’t speak to me but he took my face in his hands and looked me in the eyes and I felt that he was telling me that it was ok for me to want to be happy again. God, I miss him. I miss him so much. I go thru the motions everyday and some days I find myself smiling and then there are moments that I have when it hits me all over again that I won’t ever see him again and it’s like some dropped a house on me again. I miss his smile and the sound of his laugh and I miss the way he talked with his hands. I miss the way that he titled his head to the side and looked “up” at me smiling when he disagreed with me and was trying to make his point. Oh what I wouldn’t give for just one more day, one more hug, one more word, one more laugh, or even one more minute with him. There are days that I think that I am strong and I will get thru this and then there are days (lots of them) that I wonder how I can ever go on without him. I find myself second guessing every decision I make. The smallest decisions and tasks can still be so overwhelming.
I think that people tend to associate grieving like climbing a mountain It’s like we are moving upwards climbing and then when we get to the top of the mountain, we see light, climb up and rejoin the world and we are ok again. If only that is how easy it was. As you climb this mountain, you struggle and climb , sometimes you are blindfolded and you don’t know which way is up and sometimes you slip and sometimes you fall, so bumped and bruised, you get up and climb again. It takes everything you have got and then you reach the top and pull yourself up and feel like maybe you are getting somewhere and as you stand up and look around you see that you aren’t there yet. You look around and ahead and as far as you can see, there are mountains to climb. So you almost tumble back down that mountain you just climbed and battered and bleeding, you get up and try again. Hopefully you don’t stay down at the bottom of the mountain long but sometimes it takes a while to gather the courage to start climbing again. Sometimes your friends are at the top of the mountain encouraging you to get up there. And then there are times that they are not, they live in a different world from you now. but they don’t even realize it. Each time I reach the top of one of my mountains, it’s easy to get discouraged looking ahead at the mountains left to climb. So all I can hope is that one day that I become stronger and it isn’t so hard to climb that mountain and that the mountains will become smaller. Hopefully I can stay on top of the mountain longer each time before I fall again.
Saturday, October 24, 2009
Friday, October 2, 2009
Happy Birthday Courtney
Happy Birthday Courtney
Today is Courtney’s 17th birthday. I cannot believe that my baby girl, my little lullabelle is 17 already. Where does the time go? Where is that tee niny little girl who loved to curl up in my lap and ran into the back of me when I stopped walking. My mini me.
She is growing into a beautiful young woman. I am so proud of her.
Again, there is a pain in my heart because Donnie isn’t here to celebrate her birthday with us. But I told her that her Daddy is smiling down on her today and he loves her soooo much. She walked outside earlier and there on the front step was a golf tee. It made her smile. She felt like it was Daddy telling her happy birthday.
Now I can tell you I know where it came from. I brought Donnie’s clubs to his brothers last weekend. I am sure it fell out then. But it sat there for over a week and no one noticed it. Courtney has gone up and down those steps 100 times, she never saw it. So her finding it on her birthday is special to her. I told her he was smiling down on her. J
Happy Birthday Courtney
You will ALWAYS be my Lullabelle. I love you
Momma
Today is Courtney’s 17th birthday. I cannot believe that my baby girl, my little lullabelle is 17 already. Where does the time go? Where is that tee niny little girl who loved to curl up in my lap and ran into the back of me when I stopped walking. My mini me.
She is growing into a beautiful young woman. I am so proud of her.
Again, there is a pain in my heart because Donnie isn’t here to celebrate her birthday with us. But I told her that her Daddy is smiling down on her today and he loves her soooo much. She walked outside earlier and there on the front step was a golf tee. It made her smile. She felt like it was Daddy telling her happy birthday.
Now I can tell you I know where it came from. I brought Donnie’s clubs to his brothers last weekend. I am sure it fell out then. But it sat there for over a week and no one noticed it. Courtney has gone up and down those steps 100 times, she never saw it. So her finding it on her birthday is special to her. I told her he was smiling down on her. J
Happy Birthday Courtney
You will ALWAYS be my Lullabelle. I love you
Momma
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
Saturday was 11 years since Donnie and I were married. I awoke that morning 11 years ago praying that Hurricane George wasn’t coming our way. I think it was the first time that they ever did contra flow out of New Orleans. Traffic was a mess. But in the middle of all that chaos,I was surprisingly calm. I knew that I was right where I was supposed to be.
When Todd took my arm to walk me down the aisle, my eyes filled with tears. All I could think was “oh great, I’m going to be a blubbering mess all the way down the aisle” Todd looked at me and said “I got a C note, we can go to the casino and forget all this mess” He made me laugh. I found out later, he told Donnie the same thing. He’s such a funny boy. As I walked towards Donnie, the way he looked at me melted my heart. I had never been loved so much by someone. As we said our vows, Donnie choked back the tears. It’s kind of funny that he cried thru our first wedding, I cried thru our renewal. I guess we couldn’t both fall apart at the same wedding.
As we danced to our fist song and Donnie held me it was one of the most precious moments of my life. The feeling of being exactly where I was supposed to be. It was 10 years before we would have the opportunity to dance to that song again.
For over 10 years I was proud to be Donnie’s wife. I am so blessed for the relationship that we shared. We had our ups and downs as all couples do but even when he made me so mad that I wanted to throw something at him, I couldn’t imagine my life without him. But here I am now, trying to find my way without him. I would have never thought on that day 11 years ago that I would be where I am today without him. I miss him so much and am still lost without him most days. But, I know that he is with me in my heart and I will always carry him with me, wherever I go. Along with the memories and lessons about life and love that he taught me. I was so lucky to have him love me the way he did. I am thankful for every day that we shared together and will miss him the rest of my life.
When Todd took my arm to walk me down the aisle, my eyes filled with tears. All I could think was “oh great, I’m going to be a blubbering mess all the way down the aisle” Todd looked at me and said “I got a C note, we can go to the casino and forget all this mess” He made me laugh. I found out later, he told Donnie the same thing. He’s such a funny boy. As I walked towards Donnie, the way he looked at me melted my heart. I had never been loved so much by someone. As we said our vows, Donnie choked back the tears. It’s kind of funny that he cried thru our first wedding, I cried thru our renewal. I guess we couldn’t both fall apart at the same wedding.
As we danced to our fist song and Donnie held me it was one of the most precious moments of my life. The feeling of being exactly where I was supposed to be. It was 10 years before we would have the opportunity to dance to that song again.
For over 10 years I was proud to be Donnie’s wife. I am so blessed for the relationship that we shared. We had our ups and downs as all couples do but even when he made me so mad that I wanted to throw something at him, I couldn’t imagine my life without him. But here I am now, trying to find my way without him. I would have never thought on that day 11 years ago that I would be where I am today without him. I miss him so much and am still lost without him most days. But, I know that he is with me in my heart and I will always carry him with me, wherever I go. Along with the memories and lessons about life and love that he taught me. I was so lucky to have him love me the way he did. I am thankful for every day that we shared together and will miss him the rest of my life.
Thursday, September 24, 2009
9-23-09
As I sit here today on his birthday, I feel drained. I cried all the way to work today. I have tried to recall every memory, every smile, every fight I ever had with Donnie. I am scared. Scared that I might forget some of those memories. How could I? I don’t think I could but it feels like so long since I have seen him and I miss him so. I don’t want to forget one moment that we shared together. I want to keep them all “on file” so I can go back to every one of them and remember any time I want to.
It feels as if the weight of the world is on my shoulders.
I am trying to have good memories and celebrate Donnie’s life and the life we shared together but it is so hard. Every memory makes me so sad cause I miss him so much.
9-24-09
I left work yesterday and went to the cemetery to see him. I sat and talked to him for a while. I cried and told him how much I miss him and how I am so scared that I will forget memories that we made together and that I didn’t want to. I told him that I want to find a way to be happy again. I love him and I miss him so but I can’t stand the hurt. It’s so hard. I have to find a way to be able to deal with the pain and do what I have to do to find happiness in my life again. I told him how I don’t know how I am supposed to do that. I asked him to help me. He was my strength when he was here, he made me feel like I could do anything. I am still trying to draw my strength from him and how much he believed in me. I went home with the intention of crawling into my bed and pulling the covers over my head and crying all night. The pain was unbearable.
I went home and took at bath and got ready for bed and for whatever reason I noticed the home movie cassettes on my dresser and decided to hook up the video camera to the tv to watch. I watched home movies of us as a family all night. Probably 4 hours. It was sad but at the same time it made me feel so much better. I have missed him so much, I miss seeing him, hearing his voice.
It was so good to see him WELL. I know he is well now and not sick anymore. I want to find all of those good memories that we had and hold onto those. It’s not that we didn’t make precious memories in the last 18 months, but I don’t want to focus on the sick memories. I want to remember and cherish the “life” that we shared together. Our carefree days when we still had forever and weren’t living on borrow time.
I can’t say I didn’t cry watching the movies but they were a comfort to me, they made me smile and several made me laugh. There he was, young healthy smiling and joking Donnie. The Donnie that I fell in love with. He was there looking at me and talking to me and smiling and saying I love you . In a way, he was giving me strength to go on without him. It was good to see him. I have missed him so.
As I sit here today on his birthday, I feel drained. I cried all the way to work today. I have tried to recall every memory, every smile, every fight I ever had with Donnie. I am scared. Scared that I might forget some of those memories. How could I? I don’t think I could but it feels like so long since I have seen him and I miss him so. I don’t want to forget one moment that we shared together. I want to keep them all “on file” so I can go back to every one of them and remember any time I want to.
It feels as if the weight of the world is on my shoulders.
I am trying to have good memories and celebrate Donnie’s life and the life we shared together but it is so hard. Every memory makes me so sad cause I miss him so much.
9-24-09
I left work yesterday and went to the cemetery to see him. I sat and talked to him for a while. I cried and told him how much I miss him and how I am so scared that I will forget memories that we made together and that I didn’t want to. I told him that I want to find a way to be happy again. I love him and I miss him so but I can’t stand the hurt. It’s so hard. I have to find a way to be able to deal with the pain and do what I have to do to find happiness in my life again. I told him how I don’t know how I am supposed to do that. I asked him to help me. He was my strength when he was here, he made me feel like I could do anything. I am still trying to draw my strength from him and how much he believed in me. I went home with the intention of crawling into my bed and pulling the covers over my head and crying all night. The pain was unbearable.
I went home and took at bath and got ready for bed and for whatever reason I noticed the home movie cassettes on my dresser and decided to hook up the video camera to the tv to watch. I watched home movies of us as a family all night. Probably 4 hours. It was sad but at the same time it made me feel so much better. I have missed him so much, I miss seeing him, hearing his voice.
It was so good to see him WELL. I know he is well now and not sick anymore. I want to find all of those good memories that we had and hold onto those. It’s not that we didn’t make precious memories in the last 18 months, but I don’t want to focus on the sick memories. I want to remember and cherish the “life” that we shared together. Our carefree days when we still had forever and weren’t living on borrow time.
I can’t say I didn’t cry watching the movies but they were a comfort to me, they made me smile and several made me laugh. There he was, young healthy smiling and joking Donnie. The Donnie that I fell in love with. He was there looking at me and talking to me and smiling and saying I love you . In a way, he was giving me strength to go on without him. It was good to see him. I have missed him so.
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
My dear sweet Donnie,
I can do nothing but think of you today. Today is your 45th birthday. Oh how I hate that you are not here with me. It’s been 163 days (23 weeks) since I saw you last. It’s been longer than that since you were actually still here with me. It seems like an eternity has passed. I know to some people it doesn’t seem like so long but every hour with out you, to me seems like 10.
I still have days that I am angry that you are gone. It just isn’t right. It just wasn’t supposed to be this way. We fought so hard. YOU fought so hard. I only wish that there was something more that I could have done to keep you here with us. I would do anything I could give you another day
We all miss you so much. The kids are doing the best that they can to do what they are supposed to do. Justin is determined to do the best he can in college because he wants to make you proud. I know you are. Caley still looks for you. She still misses you . As I watch her grow it makes me sad to know what you are missing with her. I can just see you there playing with her and making her giggle. I am sad to know that she won’t have you her with her as she grows but I know that you are watching over her. .
I know what I am supposed to be doing or should I say what you wanted me to do and I hope you know that I am trying. It’s not easy without you and you told me that it wouldn’t be. But you told me that I was strong enough to do this and make it thru
That’s what drives me to keep on going without you. It is so much harder than I could have ever imagined. We had so many future plans that we won’t get to share.
But I am thankful for every day that we shared together. I am a better person for having been loved by you. Thank you for making me feel so special and worthy of your unconditional love. Thank you for supporting me even when you didn’t agree with me. Thank you for teaching the kids by example what true love is and showing Justin how a man should be. Thank you for being the kind of man that people admired. Thank you for fighting so hard for me. Thank you for worrying so much about me and what it would be like for me without you and trying to help me get thru. Thank you for all of the sacrifices that you made for our family. Thank you for being my confidant, my best friend, my soul mate , my partner and my love. Most of all thank you for being YOU and loving me the way that you did. You were an amazing and special man and I was lucky and honored to call myself your wife.
Happy birthday my love until we meet again
Always and ForeverI love you Robin
I can do nothing but think of you today. Today is your 45th birthday. Oh how I hate that you are not here with me. It’s been 163 days (23 weeks) since I saw you last. It’s been longer than that since you were actually still here with me. It seems like an eternity has passed. I know to some people it doesn’t seem like so long but every hour with out you, to me seems like 10.
I still have days that I am angry that you are gone. It just isn’t right. It just wasn’t supposed to be this way. We fought so hard. YOU fought so hard. I only wish that there was something more that I could have done to keep you here with us. I would do anything I could give you another day
We all miss you so much. The kids are doing the best that they can to do what they are supposed to do. Justin is determined to do the best he can in college because he wants to make you proud. I know you are. Caley still looks for you. She still misses you . As I watch her grow it makes me sad to know what you are missing with her. I can just see you there playing with her and making her giggle. I am sad to know that she won’t have you her with her as she grows but I know that you are watching over her. .
I know what I am supposed to be doing or should I say what you wanted me to do and I hope you know that I am trying. It’s not easy without you and you told me that it wouldn’t be. But you told me that I was strong enough to do this and make it thru
That’s what drives me to keep on going without you. It is so much harder than I could have ever imagined. We had so many future plans that we won’t get to share.
But I am thankful for every day that we shared together. I am a better person for having been loved by you. Thank you for making me feel so special and worthy of your unconditional love. Thank you for supporting me even when you didn’t agree with me. Thank you for teaching the kids by example what true love is and showing Justin how a man should be. Thank you for being the kind of man that people admired. Thank you for fighting so hard for me. Thank you for worrying so much about me and what it would be like for me without you and trying to help me get thru. Thank you for all of the sacrifices that you made for our family. Thank you for being my confidant, my best friend, my soul mate , my partner and my love. Most of all thank you for being YOU and loving me the way that you did. You were an amazing and special man and I was lucky and honored to call myself your wife.
Happy birthday my love until we meet again
Always and ForeverI love you Robin
Monday, September 21, 2009
It’s still so tough. I miss him. That void is still this huge gaping hole in my heart. I get so overwhelmed by it all sometimes. I look around and wonder “how did I get here? How did it get to the point that I am sitting in the cemetery talking to Donnie?” +
I’ve been angry lately. I want to stomp my feet and scream at the top of my lungs that it just isn’t fair. He deserved so much more life than he had. It wasn’t supposed to be this way.
There are days that I think that I am making so much progress of getting myself together and then there are days (or weeks) that I seem to be falling apart again and it is discouraging to me. I often wonder if I will ever have a new normal. Will I ever have a time that I am not so sad? Then part of me feels guilty for even wanting that. Part of me feels that my grief is my connection to Donnie. It is a vicious roller coaster and it isn’t a good ride. Somebody stop this ride and let me get off!!
I know that every “first” without him will be heartbreaking. My birthday was hard. I worry if my birthday was so hard, how will I handle his birthday Wednesday? Or our anniversary Saturday? Then the girls both have their birthdays the following week. It’s going to be a tough month. I sometimes wonder how I will ever make it thru all of this! I just don’t think that I can.
I am glad that I was able to get away with my friends for my birthday. We smiled and we laughed. There were even a few brief moments that I found “me” again, just not as many as I had hoped for. I found myself thinking of Donnie a lot. I must have thought 100 times “I need to tell Donnie that”.
How in the world am I ever going to find a new normal?
I’ve been angry lately. I want to stomp my feet and scream at the top of my lungs that it just isn’t fair. He deserved so much more life than he had. It wasn’t supposed to be this way.
There are days that I think that I am making so much progress of getting myself together and then there are days (or weeks) that I seem to be falling apart again and it is discouraging to me. I often wonder if I will ever have a new normal. Will I ever have a time that I am not so sad? Then part of me feels guilty for even wanting that. Part of me feels that my grief is my connection to Donnie. It is a vicious roller coaster and it isn’t a good ride. Somebody stop this ride and let me get off!!
I know that every “first” without him will be heartbreaking. My birthday was hard. I worry if my birthday was so hard, how will I handle his birthday Wednesday? Or our anniversary Saturday? Then the girls both have their birthdays the following week. It’s going to be a tough month. I sometimes wonder how I will ever make it thru all of this! I just don’t think that I can.
I am glad that I was able to get away with my friends for my birthday. We smiled and we laughed. There were even a few brief moments that I found “me” again, just not as many as I had hoped for. I found myself thinking of Donnie a lot. I must have thought 100 times “I need to tell Donnie that”.
How in the world am I ever going to find a new normal?
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)