I haven’t been posting as many blogs lately. It’s not that I haven’t been writing. It’s just that I have made the choice to keep some parts of my life private. Over the last 2 ½ years, I have made the choice to make mine and Donnie’s journey a public one, for several reasons. One reason was to keep family and friends informed of Donnie’s progress and I continued because of the help that it has provided others. I have been an open book all of this time. But now, I am moving on to a new chapter in my life. It is hard enough to move on with my life without the scrutiny of being under a microscope. It was hard for me for quite a while being judged by some for moving on with my life. But I have come to terms with it and it doesn’t bother me as much anymore. No one else has walked in my shoes and I am ok with the path I have chosen.
Donnie’s diagnosis and losing him was the most difficult thing I have ever faced. The last 2+ years have been the most difficult of my life. But I hope that I am coming out of the other side a stronger person and a better person. One who is more understanding, more patient and more loving. I think that I have a better appreciation for life and the people in mine.
I am moving forward with my life and I can honestly say that I am happier than I thought I would be again . I never thought I would find happiness again. Even with my happiness, the grief is still there. It isn’t that razor sharp searing pain that it was a year ago but it’s still there. I think it will always be. But I am happy again. I still miss Donnie and still find myself thinking, “ I need to tell Donnie that” over things he would find funny. And I still find myself thinking “ I need to ask Donnie, he would remember”. And as soon as that thought crosses my mind, I am reminded that he is gone. And that ache is magnified again. Being happy doesn’t take away the fact that I miss him. One has nothing to do with the other.
I could sit here and still write about poor me and how awful it was and dwell on what we went thru. But if I learned anything from all of this and especially what I learned from Donnie is that my life is too short to just lie down and play the victim. Even after everything that happened, I still consider myself very lucky. I have been very blessed. All the pain, the tears and all the heartache of losing him was all worth what I shared with him.
But, now it is time for me to find my future. I can’t live in the past. I will take Donnie’s memory with me always. But I can’t continue to bring his ghost with me. I don’t know if that makes any sense to anyone but me. I will always carry him in my heart, but it is time for me to move forward and in a sense, let go of the future we had planned and find my new life that he wanted so badly for me. To find that same new life that I want for myself too.
If I am always looking behind me, I can’t see where I am going.
So all I can do is keep moving forward. Not only do I think that Donnie would approve, I think he would be happy for me.
Monday, June 21, 2010
Monday, May 17, 2010
400 days
I have lived 400 days without Donnie. So many things have happened in those 400 days since he left. I have missed him every day of those 400 days. I have wanted to call him a million times to tell him something or ask him something. Justin just finished his 2nd semester in college. Courtney is going to her senior year of high school. Caley is talking up a storm. Shantel has found love and happiness in her life with a good man. And I have managed to get thru these last 400 days and I am still here to tell my story. 400 days ago I would have told you that I would have never made it to this point. I couldn’t even imagine an hour ahead much less a year. I would have told you that there was no way in the world I would ever smile again. I would tell you that I couldn’t go on and move forward in my life without Donnie by my side. I would have told you that I would never be happy again. 400 days ago our world changed 100%. Our “normal” was taken away and we were forced to adjust and even accept this “new normal” that we live each day.
People sometimes still walk on eggshells around me. Afraid to mention Donnie’s name in fear of it “setting me off” or making me cry. Some still treat me like I am broken. They think if they remind me of Donnie by speaking his name it will make me sad. It would make me even sadder to pretend he never existed. It’s hard for me to understand why talking about him seems “awkward” for people who knew him and loved him. It doesn’t make a difference if they talk about him or not, I still know he is gone. I am faced with that everyday. Someone speaking of him doesn’t spare me from knowing and remembering that he is gone. Maybe those people can “hide” from the fact that he is gone because they didn’t see him or speak to him every day. I have been constantly reminded of it every day for the last 400 days. It’s not something I can hide from. It is my reality. But I have accepted it. It hasn’t been easy. I have accepted this reality because I have faced it and still face it every single day. And in that acceptance, I made the choice to keep on living and move forward. What other choice did I have really? I could have stayed in bed I guess with the covers pulled over my head and shut out the world. Lord knows I wanted to for a long time and there are days that I still want to do that. But I didn’t and I choose not to do that. I choose to live my life the way that Donnie wanted me to. He wanted me to continue living even though it meant without him. I couldn’t hide from my grief I had to confront it and move thru it. It’s not something that you can hide from. It will find you.
400 days. Seems like and eternity.I think about how much my world has changed in these 400 days. I couldn’t imagine what today would be like. I have travelled a long and treacherous path of grief and self discovery. I have learned that I am stronger than I ever thought I could be. I learned in those 400 days, life goes on, no matter what. The world doesn’t stop for your grief. You somehow find a way to move forward. I will never “ be over” losing Donnie, I will ALWAYS grieve for and miss him but I have found out and accepted that I am still living . I have found someone who makes me smile again. If you would have told me that 400 days ago, I would have told you that you were crazy. And I would have been wrong.
People sometimes still walk on eggshells around me. Afraid to mention Donnie’s name in fear of it “setting me off” or making me cry. Some still treat me like I am broken. They think if they remind me of Donnie by speaking his name it will make me sad. It would make me even sadder to pretend he never existed. It’s hard for me to understand why talking about him seems “awkward” for people who knew him and loved him. It doesn’t make a difference if they talk about him or not, I still know he is gone. I am faced with that everyday. Someone speaking of him doesn’t spare me from knowing and remembering that he is gone. Maybe those people can “hide” from the fact that he is gone because they didn’t see him or speak to him every day. I have been constantly reminded of it every day for the last 400 days. It’s not something I can hide from. It is my reality. But I have accepted it. It hasn’t been easy. I have accepted this reality because I have faced it and still face it every single day. And in that acceptance, I made the choice to keep on living and move forward. What other choice did I have really? I could have stayed in bed I guess with the covers pulled over my head and shut out the world. Lord knows I wanted to for a long time and there are days that I still want to do that. But I didn’t and I choose not to do that. I choose to live my life the way that Donnie wanted me to. He wanted me to continue living even though it meant without him. I couldn’t hide from my grief I had to confront it and move thru it. It’s not something that you can hide from. It will find you.
400 days. Seems like and eternity.I think about how much my world has changed in these 400 days. I couldn’t imagine what today would be like. I have travelled a long and treacherous path of grief and self discovery. I have learned that I am stronger than I ever thought I could be. I learned in those 400 days, life goes on, no matter what. The world doesn’t stop for your grief. You somehow find a way to move forward. I will never “ be over” losing Donnie, I will ALWAYS grieve for and miss him but I have found out and accepted that I am still living . I have found someone who makes me smile again. If you would have told me that 400 days ago, I would have told you that you were crazy. And I would have been wrong.
Monday, May 10, 2010
Caley
The bond that Caley shared with Donnie was amazing to say the least. You know for the quite a while, I was angry with God for giving Donnie cancer. But after time I realized that God didn’t give him cancer. God gave him 18 months. Donnie came into our lives when Courtney was 3 and without even trying, became their “Daddy”. He was an amazing Daddy. He was there for it all, the little league, the dance recitals, the doctors appointments and school plays. He didn’t miss a thing. He was a natural. But often times I felt guilty for denying him biological children. His answer to me was “ we already have kids” . I truly believe that if we had been able to have biological children that he wouldn’t have treated them any differently than the ones we had already. He was a Daddy and he raised them. They were no longer, my children. They were our children.
After Donnie died, I was talking to one of his friends. Donnie had been friends with him and a group of guys they played golf with for about 5 years. He told me that they didn’t realize that the kids weren’t Donnie’s biological children. He was amazed that most of them didn’t know that. He told me that the way Donnie spoke of them, they were his children. I told him they were.
Donnie always loved kids but was weary of little babies. Until Caley came along. He walked into that hospital room and picked that baby up and never put her down. He was a natural with her. And he got to experience all the things with her that he missed out on with our kids. It was the closest to “his” baby,he would ever have. Shantel and Caley lived with us and Caley was a Poppy’s girl. She always wanted Poppy. The bond between them was special to witness. When Donnie went in the hospital, she didn’t understand. When he came home she just wanted to be on him, in his lap, next to him. She just wanted him. When he died, she cried for him, a lot. It was heart wrenching. She wasn’t quite 2 yet. She didn’t understand where he had gone. She was clingy and sometimes pictures of him would make her look so sad. It broke my heart for her to cry for him. But at the same time, I knew it would break my heart even more when she didn’t. I made a promise to Donnie that she would always know who her Poppy was and how much he loved her. It is a promise I intend to keep. For a long time, she would see his picture and grab it and kiss it and say over and over, “ I love you Poppy”. I would often times call his voicemail to listen to his voice and if it was on speaker she would grab the phone and start saying the same thing into the phone. Telling him how much she loved him. Just in the last few months she has stopped asking for him. She sees his picture, she knows who he is. But she doesn’t talk about him like she used to. It breaks my heart for what she is missing out on by not having this special man in her life. I know he is with her and he watches over her though. The other day she was with me and I was getting ready to go somewhere and she was just playing as I was getting ready and it was like she had an “Aha” moment of her own. She almost caught her breath and turned around to me and asked “Mimi!!!! Where is Poppy?!!? I was speechless for just a second and thought that I had heard her wrong. I said “what?” she asked matter of factly again “where’s poppy?” I told her that he was in heaven, watching over her. And that seemed to satisfy her question. But watching her, it was like she remembered that he was supposed to be here. Not just that she remembered who we told her he was. It had been over a year since she had seen him. It was quite the bond that they had. How amazing is it that she still remembers?
I was angry with God for quite a while. I was angry that there are serial killers and child molesters walking the street perfectly healthy. I wanted to know why Donnie. It took me a while but I came to realize that God didn’t give Donnie cancer. Satan did. And when the doctors gave him 4 months to live, God gave him 18 months to be the Poppy that he was and experience what he had given up to be a Daddy to my children. What a blessing for God to give him. He deserved it, he was always such a blessing to us.
After Donnie died, I was talking to one of his friends. Donnie had been friends with him and a group of guys they played golf with for about 5 years. He told me that they didn’t realize that the kids weren’t Donnie’s biological children. He was amazed that most of them didn’t know that. He told me that the way Donnie spoke of them, they were his children. I told him they were.
Donnie always loved kids but was weary of little babies. Until Caley came along. He walked into that hospital room and picked that baby up and never put her down. He was a natural with her. And he got to experience all the things with her that he missed out on with our kids. It was the closest to “his” baby,he would ever have. Shantel and Caley lived with us and Caley was a Poppy’s girl. She always wanted Poppy. The bond between them was special to witness. When Donnie went in the hospital, she didn’t understand. When he came home she just wanted to be on him, in his lap, next to him. She just wanted him. When he died, she cried for him, a lot. It was heart wrenching. She wasn’t quite 2 yet. She didn’t understand where he had gone. She was clingy and sometimes pictures of him would make her look so sad. It broke my heart for her to cry for him. But at the same time, I knew it would break my heart even more when she didn’t. I made a promise to Donnie that she would always know who her Poppy was and how much he loved her. It is a promise I intend to keep. For a long time, she would see his picture and grab it and kiss it and say over and over, “ I love you Poppy”. I would often times call his voicemail to listen to his voice and if it was on speaker she would grab the phone and start saying the same thing into the phone. Telling him how much she loved him. Just in the last few months she has stopped asking for him. She sees his picture, she knows who he is. But she doesn’t talk about him like she used to. It breaks my heart for what she is missing out on by not having this special man in her life. I know he is with her and he watches over her though. The other day she was with me and I was getting ready to go somewhere and she was just playing as I was getting ready and it was like she had an “Aha” moment of her own. She almost caught her breath and turned around to me and asked “Mimi!!!! Where is Poppy?!!? I was speechless for just a second and thought that I had heard her wrong. I said “what?” she asked matter of factly again “where’s poppy?” I told her that he was in heaven, watching over her. And that seemed to satisfy her question. But watching her, it was like she remembered that he was supposed to be here. Not just that she remembered who we told her he was. It had been over a year since she had seen him. It was quite the bond that they had. How amazing is it that she still remembers?
I was angry with God for quite a while. I was angry that there are serial killers and child molesters walking the street perfectly healthy. I wanted to know why Donnie. It took me a while but I came to realize that God didn’t give Donnie cancer. Satan did. And when the doctors gave him 4 months to live, God gave him 18 months to be the Poppy that he was and experience what he had given up to be a Daddy to my children. What a blessing for God to give him. He deserved it, he was always such a blessing to us.
Monday, April 26, 2010
Today
Today is a good day. It’s a beautiful day. Here I am on day 375 and I can say that today I am ok. When I woke up this morning, my first thought wasn’t “Donnie’s gone”. That doesn’t mean the grief is gone. It still waits around the corner for me. Stalking me. I think it will hide in the shadows for the rest of my life. BUT, I am ok today. Today I stand strong and grounded and blessed. I am grateful for the blessings in my life. I am grateful for Donnie and what we shared. My friends and family and even the kindness of strangers and I am grateful and blessed.
I have been wanting “normal” back in my life for the last 2 ½ years. But I have come to the conclusion that I won’t ever find that “normal” again that I had before. And FINALLY, I am ok with that. I am ok with things not being the way they were before. I don’t think I will ever feel that “normal” again. And I quit fighting it. No, I didn’t want to be a widow. No, I didn’t want anything to do with what it meant that I would go thru. But I am a widow and I have accepted that. I can’t go back and change anything. I can’t go back and capture that “normal” that I had before. I can only work on and accept my new normal. It feels good not to fight it anymore. Don’t get me wrong, this isn’t exactly the path that I would have chosen to travel in my life, but it was the path that I have been given. I am choosing to be ok with the new normal that I have given. It’s not always easy, but I am OK with that.
Yes, today, I am ok. Today I am happy. Today I laughed, today I smiled and today I appreciated how lucky I am. And I won’t take for granted the things that are important and the blessing of TODAY.
Donnie’s death didn’t destroy me. I am still standing. And when someone asks today, how are you?, It won’t be a lie this time when I say, “I’m ok.”
I have been wanting “normal” back in my life for the last 2 ½ years. But I have come to the conclusion that I won’t ever find that “normal” again that I had before. And FINALLY, I am ok with that. I am ok with things not being the way they were before. I don’t think I will ever feel that “normal” again. And I quit fighting it. No, I didn’t want to be a widow. No, I didn’t want anything to do with what it meant that I would go thru. But I am a widow and I have accepted that. I can’t go back and change anything. I can’t go back and capture that “normal” that I had before. I can only work on and accept my new normal. It feels good not to fight it anymore. Don’t get me wrong, this isn’t exactly the path that I would have chosen to travel in my life, but it was the path that I have been given. I am choosing to be ok with the new normal that I have given. It’s not always easy, but I am OK with that.
Yes, today, I am ok. Today I am happy. Today I laughed, today I smiled and today I appreciated how lucky I am. And I won’t take for granted the things that are important and the blessing of TODAY.
Donnie’s death didn’t destroy me. I am still standing. And when someone asks today, how are you?, It won’t be a lie this time when I say, “I’m ok.”
Thursday, April 15, 2010
one year
Dear Donnie,
Wow, one year. Most people say that can’t believe it has been a year already. I can’t believe it’s only been a year. It seems like forever since I have seen you.
It’s been a while since I have written you a letter. It isn’t as easy to write you letters as it was before. It’s gotten harder. It isn’t that I don’t want to talk to you or don’t think of you every single day. I remember for the first 6 or 8 months, I wrote them to you all the time. My words and my tears spilled on to the page. I cried all the words I wish I could have spoken to you. I still speak to you in my heart. It’s just so different now. My life is so different than when you were here. What a difference a year can make. If someone would have told me a year ago that I would be able to function again thru a day and even smile, I would have told them that they were full of shit! Now there were people that told me that time would heal my pain and I can say that is bullshit. The pain is still there. It isn’t as raw as it was a year ago but it still hurts
The pain of your death changed me. Have I healed? Some, I guess. I would say that I have more learned to cope than heal. My hearts been stitched up, but will always bear the scars of losing you. I think that I held onto the pain of losing you for so long because it was the only way I knew how to hold onto you. The grief and the pain connected me to you. I felt like if I was miserable, that was me being loyal to you. I associated that with being loyal to us and all we were supposed to be. I feared happiness more than I feared loneliness. It was so much easier to curl up in bed and shut out the world. I hated waking up every day. But each day I got out of bed, put on my fake smile and kept going. And slowly I realized that I have so many reasons still to live. I realized that I had to let go of that pain to ever be able to move forward in my life. I am finding me again and I know that you are happy for me.
The guilt of living without you is still there. not as much as before ,but it is still there. I can’t help it. I feel guilty for smiling and being happy. I know what you would tell me. You would tell me that I have no reason to feel that way. You would tell me that you want me to be happy and that feeling guilty won’t change anything or bring you back. And you would be right.
I still find myself wanting to call you and tell you things. I will hear about something and think immediately that “ I need to tell Donnie that” or “ I need to ask Donnie that, he will know”. You always made me feel so confident in my own decisions. I want to ask your advice all the time. But I have come to learn that I am on my own now and have to make decisions alone. It’s funny sometimes how you come back to me in a memory. I will be totally involved in something and a memory will shine bright in my mind and make me smile. I am glad that I can think of you and smile.
So many times I have just wanted to ask you a question. I know what you wanted for me. But I have to ask one more question. Do you mind? I know that you watch over me. I know that you see me. Do you mind that I am moving on with my life? I swore to myself that I never would, but I am. Do you mind that i have found my smile again? Do you mind that I can now picture my future without you in it? Ok, that’s more than one question. But the truth is, I know the answer to all of these questions that I have asked. I just wish I could hear you say the words.
But here are a few things that I want you to know.
I will never forget you. You are in my thoughts and some of my sweetest memories. You touched my soul and loving you changed me and made me a better person. Losing you changed me too. I love you and will love you forever, nothing can change that. I have been afraid to say goodbye to you. But I know that I have to. I miss you. I miss your laugh. I think that is what I miss the most. That and watching you play with Caley. It breaks my heart sometimes to look at her growing up because you aren’t here to see it and be part of it. I know you see her but I hate that she won’t “know” you. She is missing out on so much by not having you in her life. Moving forward is hard. The kids miss you terribly. We are all different without you. But we are going to be ok somehow.
Your life meant so much to so many people. I will always be grateful for the opportunity to share such an important part of my life with you. I am thankful to have been your wife.
I know as I move on that you are somewhere near me, smiling. You taught me to be willing to take risks, so here I go. I hope that you are proud of how far I have come in this last year and I hope you know I will take a part of you with me wherever I go.
I love you
Always & Forever
Robin
Wow, one year. Most people say that can’t believe it has been a year already. I can’t believe it’s only been a year. It seems like forever since I have seen you.
It’s been a while since I have written you a letter. It isn’t as easy to write you letters as it was before. It’s gotten harder. It isn’t that I don’t want to talk to you or don’t think of you every single day. I remember for the first 6 or 8 months, I wrote them to you all the time. My words and my tears spilled on to the page. I cried all the words I wish I could have spoken to you. I still speak to you in my heart. It’s just so different now. My life is so different than when you were here. What a difference a year can make. If someone would have told me a year ago that I would be able to function again thru a day and even smile, I would have told them that they were full of shit! Now there were people that told me that time would heal my pain and I can say that is bullshit. The pain is still there. It isn’t as raw as it was a year ago but it still hurts
The pain of your death changed me. Have I healed? Some, I guess. I would say that I have more learned to cope than heal. My hearts been stitched up, but will always bear the scars of losing you. I think that I held onto the pain of losing you for so long because it was the only way I knew how to hold onto you. The grief and the pain connected me to you. I felt like if I was miserable, that was me being loyal to you. I associated that with being loyal to us and all we were supposed to be. I feared happiness more than I feared loneliness. It was so much easier to curl up in bed and shut out the world. I hated waking up every day. But each day I got out of bed, put on my fake smile and kept going. And slowly I realized that I have so many reasons still to live. I realized that I had to let go of that pain to ever be able to move forward in my life. I am finding me again and I know that you are happy for me.
The guilt of living without you is still there. not as much as before ,but it is still there. I can’t help it. I feel guilty for smiling and being happy. I know what you would tell me. You would tell me that I have no reason to feel that way. You would tell me that you want me to be happy and that feeling guilty won’t change anything or bring you back. And you would be right.
I still find myself wanting to call you and tell you things. I will hear about something and think immediately that “ I need to tell Donnie that” or “ I need to ask Donnie that, he will know”. You always made me feel so confident in my own decisions. I want to ask your advice all the time. But I have come to learn that I am on my own now and have to make decisions alone. It’s funny sometimes how you come back to me in a memory. I will be totally involved in something and a memory will shine bright in my mind and make me smile. I am glad that I can think of you and smile.
So many times I have just wanted to ask you a question. I know what you wanted for me. But I have to ask one more question. Do you mind? I know that you watch over me. I know that you see me. Do you mind that I am moving on with my life? I swore to myself that I never would, but I am. Do you mind that i have found my smile again? Do you mind that I can now picture my future without you in it? Ok, that’s more than one question. But the truth is, I know the answer to all of these questions that I have asked. I just wish I could hear you say the words.
But here are a few things that I want you to know.
I will never forget you. You are in my thoughts and some of my sweetest memories. You touched my soul and loving you changed me and made me a better person. Losing you changed me too. I love you and will love you forever, nothing can change that. I have been afraid to say goodbye to you. But I know that I have to. I miss you. I miss your laugh. I think that is what I miss the most. That and watching you play with Caley. It breaks my heart sometimes to look at her growing up because you aren’t here to see it and be part of it. I know you see her but I hate that she won’t “know” you. She is missing out on so much by not having you in her life. Moving forward is hard. The kids miss you terribly. We are all different without you. But we are going to be ok somehow.
Your life meant so much to so many people. I will always be grateful for the opportunity to share such an important part of my life with you. I am thankful to have been your wife.
I know as I move on that you are somewhere near me, smiling. You taught me to be willing to take risks, so here I go. I hope that you are proud of how far I have come in this last year and I hope you know I will take a part of you with me wherever I go.
I love you
Always & Forever
Robin
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
the ring
I took my wedding ring off a couple of weeks ago. It wasn’t thought out or planned. I took it off when I was painting and put it on my dresser not thinking much of it at all. I just didn’t want to get paint all over it. I finished painting and showered and picked the ring up off of my dresser and stood with it in my hand. It held so much for me. So many memories and so much love shared. I remember when Donnie and I spoke of getting engaged “one day”. One of his friends had bought his girlfriend this elaborate expensive ring. I told him not to dare spend that kind of money on me. I didn’t need it. All I needed was a band and him and that was enough for me. He informed me that if I wanted to marry him, I would get what he gave me. I will say that he did a good job picking out the ring. It was beautiful. Simple and understated, just like me. I didn’t need a ring that screamed from the rooftop saying LOOK AT ME! It suited me, perfectly.
So here I stood 12 years after the day that he gave me that ring and I made the decision not to put it back on my finger. I hadn’t planned it. It just felt like it was time. It was time for me to move on. I am not Donnie’s wife anymore. I am, but I am not. I am his widow. My hand felt like it was missing part of itself. That ring has been on my hand for so long. But my heart knew that it was time and it knew that with or without that ring, I will always have what Donnie and I shared.
So I took out the small ring box that held Donnie’s wedding ring and put mine inside beside his and smiled and knew that is exactly where it was supposed to be. They were meant to be together. Just like he and I were .
So here I stood 12 years after the day that he gave me that ring and I made the decision not to put it back on my finger. I hadn’t planned it. It just felt like it was time. It was time for me to move on. I am not Donnie’s wife anymore. I am, but I am not. I am his widow. My hand felt like it was missing part of itself. That ring has been on my hand for so long. But my heart knew that it was time and it knew that with or without that ring, I will always have what Donnie and I shared.
So I took out the small ring box that held Donnie’s wedding ring and put mine inside beside his and smiled and knew that is exactly where it was supposed to be. They were meant to be together. Just like he and I were .
Sunday, March 21, 2010
my first year as a widow
Even at the end of his long battle with cancer, Donnie’s death was a jolt to my soul. It shook my world and my faith. Although I was thankful his suffering had ended, the searing pain of losing him was unbearable. I just knew that I would never recover from such a loss. It is a long and painful and lonely walk thru the grief of widowhood. There are no shortcuts, no matter how hard you look for them.
It’s been one year since I began this journey into widowhood. It was very surreal to me. Planning the funeral were my first steps. It’s the first thing of many that I would have to face without him. After so many years together, your lives are intertwined so much that you can’t imagine a huge event without them by your side. But there I was standing in the front of that funeral home alone with everyone else’s grief over losing Donnie projected at me. It was overwhelming to say the least. I couldn’t think rationally. All my mind kept screaming was “this can’t be happening to me”. As the service ended, people filed to the front and pay their last respects. As they all walked by me, I knew that this was it. It was over. A wave of grief shook me. I knew that wasn't him in that coffin, he had left me days before, but it was just the finality of it all. I was a widow. I was no longer the person I was before. I was different. I had been different for the last 18 months as a cancer wife. Now I was a cancer widow. I broke down, I shook, and I wanted to scream. I wanted to wake from this nightmare. It was the end of the beginning of my walk into widowhood.
There was a numbness in the next couple of weeks as everyone is around and helping to hold me up. Then one day, they are all gone and I was left standing there again, alone.
In the days that followed, I was going thru the motions. Trying every day to do what everyone was expecting of me. Struggling everyday to get out of bed. Trying to show them all that I was ok. But all the while, having a huge part of me missing and second guessing my every decision. The smallest tasks seemed monumental and each day I wondered how I could possibly get thru one more. There were days that I felt, I might be getting a handle on things and then the very next day or sometimes even the same day, my world would come crashing down around me and the grief would overtake me. I didn’t recognize myself in the mirror anymore. The grief had taken its toll on me and I had detached myself from the world going on around me.
There were times that I was angry. I was angry that the world was still moving on all around me and I felt that mine had stopped and was standing still.
I am a widow. Those are hard words to say. It's even harder to see the reaction from someone when you say it. I am a young widow. People don't expect it from me. I don't fit the stereo type of what a widow should look like. I hate saying it. I tell people I lost my husband. I lost him, like I can't find him at the mall or something. I could not run away from the awful truth. I am a widow. He is gone and I will never see him again. I had an aha moment of the obvious to every one but me. I had spent so much time missing him that I had not focused on the obvious, that I would never see him again. I remember the first time that I said the words out loud. “I will never see him again". My voice quivered and my heart broke. I knew he was gone and had been mourning him being gon,but uttering those words was very profound. It was like saying it out loud made it all real. Like if I didn't say it, it wasn't real. It was accepting the fact that he was truly gone. It was 27 weeks when I said those words out loud. Almost 7 months.
Never again would I see his smile or hear his laugh. Never again would I gaze into those baby blues. Never again would I feel the warmth and safety of his arms around me or his fingers intertwined in mine. Never again would I see him walk thru the door at the end of the day or sitting next to me at the dinner table. Never again would I hear him say I love you or kiss me goodnight.
I don't know who I was trying to convince more that I was ok. The world, or me. Maybe I thought I could trick myself into believing that I could do this. You know, fake it till you make it? I longed for the day when the most menial chore didn't overwhelm me. Widowhood causes quite the identity crisis. Who am I? He and I were one unit. Now half of me was gone and I had to figure out who was left here. Not only was I mourning losing Donnie, I was mourning the loss of myself. I was lost I knew where he was. What I didn't know was where to find me.
I am made to feel that because I am young, my life will go on so nonchalantly like I am recovering from a broken leg or something. Donnie and I had 13 years together. I am compared to women who were married 40 years and told how much more they must suffer than me. Really? Are you kidding me? I am sure their grief and sorrow is very profound but it doesn't take anything away from the sorrow and the grief that I have experienced as well. Grief is grief and pain is pain no matter how you look at it. Just because you think someone else’s pain is worse, doesn’t mean that someone else’s pain is non existent.
As time went on I learned better to cope. Although I still felt the gaping absence of him not being there, I learned to get thru each day. There were many days all I wanted was to have him be able to tell me, it’s gonna be ok, you will make it thru this. I wanted to believe in myself as much as he believed in me but that wasn’t easy. But as time passed, I kind of learned how to do things on my own again. Regardless of the lie that time heals, it doesn’t heal. I just became more accustomed to him not being here with me. I didn’t have a choice but to figure things out.
I have been thru all of the stages of this beast called grief. Shock, denial, bargaining, depression and finally acceptance. Acceptance took the longest of them all. It was also the most painful. I have finally accepted that he isn’t coming back.
I have been desperately searching for “me” for the last year but what I have come to find is that I won’t ever find the “old me” again. I have changed. All of this has changed me. I miss the innocence of the old me. I miss the optimism that I had. But at the same time, I have found pieces of the person that I was and in all of this has emerged a “new me”. Just a different version of the old me. I have more of an appreciation for life. I don’t worry about the things that don’t matter anymore. I am actually kinder, more compassionate, understanding, less judgmental and more loving. Sometimes I am a little more scared, waiting on the other shoe to drop. But hopefully in time, that fear will fade. I am so much more than just a widow. I found Robin again. I have missed her. I have learned to accept myself for who I am and quit beating myself up over the mistakes that I make. I am only human. I know in my heart that everything I do is with the best intentions.
I am moving on and finding happiness again. I am not broken. I have just walked a bumpier path than most. But that is ok. I am stronger for it. I am finding my new life and my new beginning. And most of all, after all the heartache and everything I have been thru and even though it sounds crazy, I am so very blessed to live the life that I have.
It’s been one year since I began this journey into widowhood. It was very surreal to me. Planning the funeral were my first steps. It’s the first thing of many that I would have to face without him. After so many years together, your lives are intertwined so much that you can’t imagine a huge event without them by your side. But there I was standing in the front of that funeral home alone with everyone else’s grief over losing Donnie projected at me. It was overwhelming to say the least. I couldn’t think rationally. All my mind kept screaming was “this can’t be happening to me”. As the service ended, people filed to the front and pay their last respects. As they all walked by me, I knew that this was it. It was over. A wave of grief shook me. I knew that wasn't him in that coffin, he had left me days before, but it was just the finality of it all. I was a widow. I was no longer the person I was before. I was different. I had been different for the last 18 months as a cancer wife. Now I was a cancer widow. I broke down, I shook, and I wanted to scream. I wanted to wake from this nightmare. It was the end of the beginning of my walk into widowhood.
There was a numbness in the next couple of weeks as everyone is around and helping to hold me up. Then one day, they are all gone and I was left standing there again, alone.
In the days that followed, I was going thru the motions. Trying every day to do what everyone was expecting of me. Struggling everyday to get out of bed. Trying to show them all that I was ok. But all the while, having a huge part of me missing and second guessing my every decision. The smallest tasks seemed monumental and each day I wondered how I could possibly get thru one more. There were days that I felt, I might be getting a handle on things and then the very next day or sometimes even the same day, my world would come crashing down around me and the grief would overtake me. I didn’t recognize myself in the mirror anymore. The grief had taken its toll on me and I had detached myself from the world going on around me.
There were times that I was angry. I was angry that the world was still moving on all around me and I felt that mine had stopped and was standing still.
I am a widow. Those are hard words to say. It's even harder to see the reaction from someone when you say it. I am a young widow. People don't expect it from me. I don't fit the stereo type of what a widow should look like. I hate saying it. I tell people I lost my husband. I lost him, like I can't find him at the mall or something. I could not run away from the awful truth. I am a widow. He is gone and I will never see him again. I had an aha moment of the obvious to every one but me. I had spent so much time missing him that I had not focused on the obvious, that I would never see him again. I remember the first time that I said the words out loud. “I will never see him again". My voice quivered and my heart broke. I knew he was gone and had been mourning him being gon,but uttering those words was very profound. It was like saying it out loud made it all real. Like if I didn't say it, it wasn't real. It was accepting the fact that he was truly gone. It was 27 weeks when I said those words out loud. Almost 7 months.
Never again would I see his smile or hear his laugh. Never again would I gaze into those baby blues. Never again would I feel the warmth and safety of his arms around me or his fingers intertwined in mine. Never again would I see him walk thru the door at the end of the day or sitting next to me at the dinner table. Never again would I hear him say I love you or kiss me goodnight.
I don't know who I was trying to convince more that I was ok. The world, or me. Maybe I thought I could trick myself into believing that I could do this. You know, fake it till you make it? I longed for the day when the most menial chore didn't overwhelm me. Widowhood causes quite the identity crisis. Who am I? He and I were one unit. Now half of me was gone and I had to figure out who was left here. Not only was I mourning losing Donnie, I was mourning the loss of myself. I was lost I knew where he was. What I didn't know was where to find me.
I am made to feel that because I am young, my life will go on so nonchalantly like I am recovering from a broken leg or something. Donnie and I had 13 years together. I am compared to women who were married 40 years and told how much more they must suffer than me. Really? Are you kidding me? I am sure their grief and sorrow is very profound but it doesn't take anything away from the sorrow and the grief that I have experienced as well. Grief is grief and pain is pain no matter how you look at it. Just because you think someone else’s pain is worse, doesn’t mean that someone else’s pain is non existent.
As time went on I learned better to cope. Although I still felt the gaping absence of him not being there, I learned to get thru each day. There were many days all I wanted was to have him be able to tell me, it’s gonna be ok, you will make it thru this. I wanted to believe in myself as much as he believed in me but that wasn’t easy. But as time passed, I kind of learned how to do things on my own again. Regardless of the lie that time heals, it doesn’t heal. I just became more accustomed to him not being here with me. I didn’t have a choice but to figure things out.
I have been thru all of the stages of this beast called grief. Shock, denial, bargaining, depression and finally acceptance. Acceptance took the longest of them all. It was also the most painful. I have finally accepted that he isn’t coming back.
I have been desperately searching for “me” for the last year but what I have come to find is that I won’t ever find the “old me” again. I have changed. All of this has changed me. I miss the innocence of the old me. I miss the optimism that I had. But at the same time, I have found pieces of the person that I was and in all of this has emerged a “new me”. Just a different version of the old me. I have more of an appreciation for life. I don’t worry about the things that don’t matter anymore. I am actually kinder, more compassionate, understanding, less judgmental and more loving. Sometimes I am a little more scared, waiting on the other shoe to drop. But hopefully in time, that fear will fade. I am so much more than just a widow. I found Robin again. I have missed her. I have learned to accept myself for who I am and quit beating myself up over the mistakes that I make. I am only human. I know in my heart that everything I do is with the best intentions.
I am moving on and finding happiness again. I am not broken. I have just walked a bumpier path than most. But that is ok. I am stronger for it. I am finding my new life and my new beginning. And most of all, after all the heartache and everything I have been thru and even though it sounds crazy, I am so very blessed to live the life that I have.
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