Somebody Stop the World

just when you thought it was safe to go back in the water

2011-03-22T14:47:00.001-07:00

Just when you thought it was safe to go back in the water………

I have lived the last several years just waiting on the other shoe to drop. Cancer put a fear in me of my world being ripped apart. As much as I try not to wait for something bad to happen, fear still sneaks up on me when things are going good and whispers in my ear. It taunts me and tells me that bad things happen. And things have been good in my life. I am happy.
I have tried to find my place in the well world again after being immersed in the world of cancer for so long. I was finding my place here again. I am happy and loved and planning my future. And then the other shoe fell with a resounding thud. Cancer reared its ugly head and reached back into my life and my world and turned it upside down again. My step mother was recently diagnosed with lung cancer. Small cell. Very aggressive. She has battled stage 4 cancer before and beat it. Yet here she stands again, fighting for her life. I think that she is one of the toughest women I have ever met. She is one of the toughest people I have ever met. During Donnie’s journey thru cancer, she was his confidant. She was his mother in law, his hospice nurse and most of all his friend. And she was my rock. There were times I didn’t think that I could make it thru and she was there, picking me up, at times letting me cry , others drying my eyes and always cheering me on. Not that being Donnie’s nurse or watching me lose him wasn’t hard on her. I know it was very hard for her. But she has this inner strength that is pretty amazing to witness. And now, as she fights for her life again, that strength is evident. Her faith is strong. She believes in Gods plan. I only wish I had her strength.

The child in me wants to scream IT’S NOT FAIR. She has done this already!!!! She has suffered thru and beat cancer once already. Is that not enough? There are serial killers and child molesters walking the streets perfectly healthy yet good people are fighting cancer. I don’t understand and I question it. And she reminds me that God has a plan for her. But I still want to know why? But then again, God himself could stand in front of me and tell me why and I am sure the answer wouldn’t make me feel any better. I guess I am selfish that way.
I got a call the other day from another dear friend of mine who has been having some health issues to tell me that they had to have a biopsy. My heart is heavy. I have been waiting for the other shoe to fall and now feel like shoes are being thrown at me here. I hate to see the people that I love facing these obstacles.
I sometimes wonder how my family can face this again. How will we ever get thru this fight? But I know that somehow , someway, just like we have done before, we will fight this together. I am still (as Shelia tells me) finding my legs in my new life. She doesn’t want me to be sucked back into the world of cancer. It can’t be helped. I am still walking the path of my new life the best way I know how. It’s harder now with all of this. I’m angry and the hurt makes me push people away. Especially those closest to me. But each day I try again. It’s all any of us can do.
Cherish those you love. Wrap your arms around them and enjoy every moment you are given. Don’t get so wrapped up in your day to day that you forget what and who is truly important to you. Don’t ever take today for granted. None of us are promised tomorrow.

Flashlight Walking

2010-12-04T19:42:00.001-08:00

I still sometimes feel like my world is “out of sorts”. I think that sometimes I still have moments of adjusting to my “new normal” I will say this, I am not “flashlight walking” anymore. For the longest time after losing Donnie, I was flashlight walking.

It was like when we would go to the beach with my Mom to search for sharks teeth. We would get there before sun up and walk with our flashlights along the beach. You couldn’t see any further than where the flashlight shone at your feet.

As we searched for sharks teeth on the beach, we were focused on only the spot in front of us that we could see. But as time passed, the sun started to appear on the horizon and you could see just a little more. Gradually the sun rose into the sky, shining a little bit of light at a time until it was high in the sky. And at some point during your walking, you almost didn’t realize how much the sun had started to illuminate your surroundings. You had been so focused on just your feet and the next step that you didn’t see the light of the sun rising around you. It was slow and gradual and when you finally looked up, you realized that you could see up ahead again and it was almost surprising how far you could see. Even though you “knew” the sun would come up, you didn’t quite expect it.

That is what the last 20 months of my life have been. After losing Donnie, I couldn’t see or fathom my future. I could only see where I was standing, because my path and my future which was a lighted path before, had now become dark. I couldn’t see up ahead anymore. The lights had been turned off and I was alone and afraid. I could only focus on putting one foot in front of the other. Only where I could see with my “flashlight” And I focused on just that. Sometimes I couldn’t move. I stood still, searching for the courage to take another step. I was scared to move forward. Donnie was behind me and each step I took felt like it was taking me further away from him. So when I felt like that, I would turn and run back to my grief. There were times I tried to rush ahead, hoping to see. But I was just left alone and lost in the dark. So back to the flashlight I went. I found out there was no rushing thru the grief. I had to go thru it. I have walked that path with that flashlight. I took one step at a time. And over time, just like the sun rising up, I started to be able to see just a little bit more. A little further ahead. Head down, I trudged forward. It hasn’t been easy, but I have kept going. And as the sun rose around me, I could see a little further ahead just a little bit at a time. It has been slow and gradual, just like the sunrise. And now, as I stop to look around, my path is bright again. As I look ahead, I can see my future again. I see my future with Chris and I am blessed to have found love and happiness.

It is bittersweet. As I look forward to my future, I smile. I am optimistic about the path before me and I am happy. But at the same time, it makes me sad too. I can see my future and Donnie isn’t in it. And for many years, he was. It doesn’t mean that I am not happy with my choices. I am very happy with where I am in my life and where I am going. It just means that I miss him. I can’t see the future I had planned before Donnie got sick anymore. I can, but it is only a memory of where I thought we would be now. It has been a long journey to get to this point. At times I don’t realize how far I have come. Until I turn around and look behind me.

And as I turn around and look behind me, I see the broken path that I have travelled to get to where I am at now. I know that Donnie was there and how far he travelled with me, even when I felt alone. I remember the conversation we had about him wanting me to continue to live my life and move on. I feel him there urging me to go ahead. Pushing me to continue going forward without him. I know that he is there smiling and telling me it is ok. It’s ok to let go, it doesn’t mean I am forgetting. It just means I am accepting my life and continuing on.

.

2010-09-27T19:49:00.000-07:00

Donnie's birthday was Thursday. He would have been 46. Sometimes, it feels like forever and other times I still can't believe I won't ever see him again on this earth. Our wedding anniversary was Sunday. It's been a rough week for me. Although he left us way to soon, we were very blessed to have shared our lives with him. Happy Birthday in heaven Donnie. We will always love you and still miss you every single day.

Make video montages at www.OneTrueMedia.com

fear

2010-09-05T16:37:00.001-07:00

I haven’t been writing as much lately. And with that, it seems I have had more moments where I am struggling with stress. I think that is part of my problem. My writing gives my feelings an outlet. It puts words to the fears and random thoughts in my mind that I can’t say out loud and helps me sort out my feelings. Seems lately I have been holding onto to all of those feelings and fears and stuffing them down and not accepting and dealing with them. By not dealing with them, they stay with me and continue to haunt me. I have heard the expression “the grief that does not speak, doubles” .

Since Donnie was diagnosed with cancer, my whole world changed. I was cruizin along thru my life and things were good. That is how they were supposed to be. And then WHAM, someone yanked a rug out from under me and turned my world upside down. And if that wasn’t bad enough then they dropped a house on me!!

I hate what that did to me. As a person. I hate how it changed me. It made me afraid. I have lived in fear for the last 3 years . And I hate it. I have this awful feeling of waiting for the other shoe to drop. Sometimes it’s like I am waiting for it to happen. And it makes me crazy. As I am sure it does others around me. This fear can get a grip on me and drag me back into the dark. I have to confront this fear and move past it. I don’t want to live in the dark anymore. I want to live in the light.

The fear comes and it goes. Seems it has been coming more than going lately. I think more so because my life is good now. I am happy and content. Fear whispers in my ear that when things are good, bad things happen and it can all be taken away. It taunts me. I know it isn’t a rational fear, but whoever said grief was rational?

I will say this, there used to be a time when all I wanted to do was crawl in the bed and pull the covers over my head and stay there with my grief and shut out the world. It was so easy to stay there . I held onto my grief like a warm blanket. I felt that it connected me to Donnie. Now I know better. I have learn to in a sense let go of some of that grief and I am living again. I guess the fear is a sign of me living my life again and finding happiness. So maybe in some small way, it’s a good thing.

I was told so many times that “time will heal” I don’t agree with that wholeheartedly. I think time makes you stronger. And that strength helps you to deal with the grief. I think that some people see me now and think that my happiness cancels out the sadness of losing Donnie. I AM happy now but at times I am sad too. He was someone I loved very much and he is gone. If I lost my grandparent or parent or child or sibling or friend, no one else could “take that pain away” or replace them. If you lost a child and had another, do they think that the next child would take away the pain of losing the first? why is it when it is a spouse/ signifigant other do people feel once you fall in love again that the other pain is gone? Love is love. There is no difference.

I was afraid to move on with my life but I have and I am glad that I did. I miss Donnie and I love him and I will always love him. But he is gone. he was taken from us. And I have found an amazing man here that loves me and I love him too. I have learned that my heart is big enough for both. And I know that I am strong enough to accept and embrace my new life without losing the love and memories of my life before. I like to think that would make Donnie smile.

2010-06-21T16:56:00.001-07:00

I haven’t been posting as many blogs lately. It’s not that I haven’t been writing. It’s just that I have made the choice to keep some parts of my life private. Over the last 2 ½ years, I have made the choice to make mine and Donnie’s journey a public one, for several reasons. One reason was to keep family and friends informed of Donnie’s progress and I continued because of the help that it has provided others. I have been an open book all of this time. But now, I am moving on to a new chapter in my life. It is hard enough to move on with my life without the scrutiny of being under a microscope. It was hard for me for quite a while being judged by some for moving on with my life. But I have come to terms with it and it doesn’t bother me as much anymore. No one else has walked in my shoes and I am ok with the path I have chosen.

Donnie’s diagnosis and losing him was the most difficult thing I have ever faced. The last 2+ years have been the most difficult of my life. But I hope that I am coming out of the other side a stronger person and a better person. One who is more understanding, more patient and more loving. I think that I have a better appreciation for life and the people in mine.

I am moving forward with my life and I can honestly say that I am happier than I have been in a long time. I never thought I would find happiness again. Even with my happiness, the grief is still there. It isn’t that razor sharp searing pain that it was a year ago but it’s still there. I think it will always be. But I am happy again. I still miss Donnie and still find myself thinking, “ I need to tell Donnie that” over things he would find funny. And I still find myself thinking “ I need to ask Donnie, he would remember”. And as soon as that thought crosses my mind, I am reminded that he is gone. And that ache is magnified again. Being happy and finding love doesn’t take away the fact that I miss him. One has nothing to do with the other.

I could sit here and still write about poor me and how awful it was and dwell on what we went thru. But if I learned anything from all of this and especially what I learned from Donnie is that my life is too short to just lie down and play the victim. Even after everything that happened, I still consider myself very lucky. I have been very blessed. All the pain, the tears and all the heartache of losing him was all worth what I shared with him.

But, now it is time for me to find my future. I can’t live in the past. I will take Donnie’s memory with me always. But I can’t continue to bring his ghost with me. I don’t know if that makes any sense to anyone but me. I will always carry him in my heart, but it is time for me to move forward and in a sense, let go of the future we had planned and find my new life that he wanted so badly for me. To find that same new life that I want for myself too.

If I am always looking behind me, I can’t see where I am going.

So all I can do is keep moving forward. Not only do I think that Donnie would approve, I think he would be happy for me.

400 days

2010-05-17T17:08:00.000-07:00

I have lived 400 days without Donnie. So many things have happened in those 400 days since he left. I have missed him every day of those 400 days. I have wanted to call him a million times to tell him something or ask him something. Justin just finished his 2nd semester in college. Courtney is going to her senior year of high school. Caley is talking up a storm. Shantel has found love and happiness in her life with a good man. And I have managed to get thru these last 400 days and I am still here to tell my story. 400 days ago I would have told you that I would have never made it to this point. I couldn’t even imagine an hour ahead much less a year. I would have told you that there was no way in the world I would ever smile again. I would tell you that I couldn’t go on and move forward in my life without Donnie by my side. I would have told you that I would never be happy again. 400 days ago our world changed 100%. Our “normal” was taken away and we were forced to adjust and even accept this “new normal” that we live each day.

People sometimes still walk on eggshells around me. Afraid to mention Donnie’s name in fear of it “setting me off” or making me cry. Some still treat me like I am broken. They think if they remind me of Donnie by speaking his name it will make me sad. It would make me even sadder to pretend he never existed. It’s hard for me to understand why talking about him seems “awkward” for people who knew him and loved him. It doesn’t make a difference if they talk about him or not, I still know he is gone. I am faced with that everyday. Someone speaking of him doesn’t spare me from knowing and remembering that he is gone. Maybe those people can “hide” from the fact that he is gone because they didn’t see him or speak to him every day. I have been constantly reminded of it every day for the last 400 days. It’s not something I can hide from. It is my reality. But I have accepted it. It hasn’t been easy. I have accepted this reality because I have faced it and still face it every single day. And in that acceptance, I made the choice to keep on living and move forward. What other choice did I have really? I could have stayed in bed I guess with the covers pulled over my head and shut out the world. Lord knows I wanted to for a long time and there are days that I still want to do that. But I didn’t and I choose not to do that. I choose to live my life the way that Donnie wanted me to. He wanted me to continue living even though it meant without him. I couldn’t hide from my grief I had to confront it and move thru it. It’s not something that you can hide from. It will find you.

400 days. Seems like and eternity.I think about how much my world has changed in these 400 days. I couldn’t imagine what today would be like. I have travelled a long and treacherous path of grief and self discovery. I have learned that I am stronger than I ever thought I could be. I learned in those 400 days, life goes on, no matter what. The world doesn’t stop for your grief. You somehow find a way to move forward. I will never “ be over” losing Donnie, I will ALWAYS grieve for and miss him but I have found out and accepted that I am still living . I have found someone who makes me smile again. If you would have told me that 400 days ago, I would have told you that you were crazy. And I would have been wrong.

Caley

2010-05-10T05:21:00.001-07:00

The bond that Caley shared with Donnie was amazing to say the least. You know for the quite a while, I was angry with God for giving Donnie cancer. But after time I realized that God didn’t give him cancer. God gave him 18 months. Donnie came into our lives when Courtney was 3 and without even trying, became their “Daddy”. He was an amazing Daddy. He was there for it all, the little league, the dance recitals, the doctors appointments and school plays. He didn’t miss a thing. He was a natural. But often times I felt guilty for denying him biological children. His answer to me was “ we already have kids” . I truly believe that if we had been able to have biological children that he wouldn’t have treated them any differently than the ones we had already. He was a Daddy and he raised them. They were no longer, my children. They were our children.

After Donnie died, I was talking to one of his friends. Donnie had been friends with him and a group of guys they played golf with for about 5 years. He told me that they didn’t realize that the kids weren’t Donnie’s biological children. He was amazed that most of them didn’t know that. He told me that the way Donnie spoke of them, they were his children. I told him they were. 

Donnie always loved kids but was weary of little babies. Until Caley came along. He walked into that hospital room and picked that baby up and never put her down. He was a natural with her. And he got to experience all the things with her that he missed out on with our kids. It was the closest to “his” baby,he would ever have. Shantel and Caley lived with us and Caley was a Poppy’s girl. She always wanted Poppy. The bond between them was special to witness. When Donnie went in the hospital, she didn’t understand. When he came home she just wanted to be on him, in his lap, next to him. She just wanted him. When he died, she cried for him, a lot. It was heart wrenching. She wasn’t quite 2 yet. She didn’t understand where he had gone. She was clingy and sometimes pictures of him would make her look so sad. It broke my heart for her to cry for him. But at the same time, I knew it would break my heart even more when she didn’t. I made a promise to Donnie that she would always know who her Poppy was and how much he loved her. It is a promise I intend to keep. For a long time, she would see his picture and grab it and kiss it and say over and over, “ I love you Poppy”. I would often times call his voicemail to listen to his voice and if it was on speaker she would grab the phone and start saying the same thing into the phone. Telling him how much she loved him. Just in the last few months she has stopped asking for him. She sees his picture, she knows who he is. But she doesn’t talk about him like she used to. It breaks my heart for what she is missing out on by not having this special man in her life. I know he is with her and he watches over her though. The other day she was with me and I was getting ready to go somewhere and she was just playing as I was getting ready and it was like she had an “Aha” moment of her own. She almost caught her breath and turned around to me and asked “Mimi!!!! Where is Poppy?!!? I was speechless for just a second and thought that I had heard her wrong. I said “what?” she asked matter of factly again “where’s poppy?” I told her that he was in heaven, watching over her. And that seemed to satisfy her question. But watching her, it was like she remembered that he was supposed to be here. Not just that she remembered who we told her he was. It had been over a year since she had seen him. It was quite the bond that they had. How amazing is it that she still remembers?

I was angry with God for quite a while. I was angry that there are serial killers and child molesters walking the street perfectly healthy. I wanted to know why Donnie. It took me a while but I came to realize that God didn’t give Donnie cancer. Satan did. And when the doctors gave him 4 months to live, God gave him 18 months to be the Poppy that he was and experience what he had given up to be a Daddy to my children. What a blessing for God to give him. He deserved it, he was always such a blessing to us.

Today

2010-04-26T06:03:00.000-07:00

Today is a good day. It’s a beautiful day. Here I am on day 375 and I can say that today I am ok. When I woke up this morning, my first thought wasn’t “Donnie’s gone”. That doesn’t mean the grief is gone. It still waits around the corner for me. Stalking me. I think it will hide in the shadows for the rest of my life. BUT, I am ok today. Today I stand strong and grounded and blessed. I am grateful for the blessings in my life. I am grateful for Donnie and what we shared. My friends and family and even the kindness of strangers and I am grateful and blessed that I have found someone that makes me happy again.

I have been wanting “normal” back in my life for the last 2 ½ years. But I have come to the conclusion that I won’t ever find that “normal” again that I had before. And FINALLY, I am ok with that. I am ok with things not being the way they were before. I don’t think I will ever feel that “normal” again. And I quit fighting it. No, I didn’t want to be a widow. No, I didn’t want anything to do with what it meant that I would go thru. But I am a widow and I have accepted that. I can’t go back and change anything. I can’t go back and capture that “normal” that I had before. I can only work on and accept my new normal. It feels good not to fight it anymore. Don’t get me wrong, this isn’t exactly the path that I would have chosen to travel in my life, but it was the path that I have been given. I am choosing to be ok with the new normal that I have given. It’s not always easy, but I am OK with that.

Yes, today, I am ok. Today I am happy. Today I laughed, today I smiled and today I appreciated how lucky I am. And I won’t take for granted the things that are important and the blessing of TODAY.

Donnie’s death didn’t destroy me. I am still standing. And when someone asks today, how are you?, It won’t be a lie this time when I say, “I’m ok.”

one year

2010-04-15T14:37:00.001-07:00

Dear Donnie,

Wow, one year. Most people say that can’t believe it has been a year already. I can’t believe it’s only been a year. It seems like forever since I have seen you.

It’s been a while since I have written you a letter. It isn’t as easy to write you letters as it was before. It’s gotten harder. It isn’t that I don’t want to talk to you or don’t think of you every single day. I remember for the first 6 or 8 months, I wrote them to you all the time. My words and my tears spilled on to the page. I cried all the words I wish I could have spoken to you. I still speak to you in my heart. It’s just so different now. My life is so different than when you were here. What a difference a year can make. If someone would have told me a year ago that I would be able to function again thru a day and even smile, I would have told them that they were full of shit! Now there were people that told me that time would heal my pain and I can say that is bullshit. The pain is still there. It isn’t as raw as it was a year ago but it still hurts

The pain of your death changed me. Have I healed? Some, I guess. I would say that I have more learned to cope than heal. My hearts been stitched up, but will always bear the scars of losing you. I think that I held onto the pain of losing you for so long because it was the only way I knew how to hold onto you. The grief and the pain connected me to you. I felt like if I was miserable, that was me being loyal to you. I associated that with being loyal to us and all we were supposed to be. I feared happiness more than I feared loneliness. It was so much easier to curl up in bed and shut out the world. I hated waking up every day. But each day I got out of bed, put on my fake smile and kept going. And slowly I realized that I have so many reasons still to live. I realized that I had to let go of that pain to ever be able to move forward in my life. I am happy again and I know that you are happy for me.

The guilt of living without you is still there. not as much as before ,but it is still there. I can’t help it. I feel guilty for smiling and being happy. I know what you would tell me. You would tell me that I have no reason to feel that way. You would tell me that you want me to be happy and that feeling guilty won’t change anything or bring you back. And you would be right.

I still find myself wanting to call you and tell you things. I will hear about something and think immediately that “ I need to tell Donnie that” or “ I need to ask Donnie that, he will know”. You always made me feel so confident in my own decisions. I want to ask your advice all the time. But I have come to learn that I am on my own now and have to make decisions alone. It’s funny sometimes how you come back to me in a memory. I will be totally involved in something and a memory will shine bright in my mind and make me smile. I am glad that I can think of you and smile.

So many times I have just wanted to ask you a question. I know what you wanted for me. But I have to ask one more question. Do you mind? I know that you watch over me. I know that you see me. Do you mind that I am moving on with my life? I swore to myself that I never would, but I am. Do you mind that it is now someone else who makes me smile? Do you mind that I can now picture my future without you in it? Ok, that’s more than one question. But the truth is, I know the answer to all of these questions that I have asked. I just wish I could hear you say the words.

But here are a few things that I want you to know.

I will never forget you. You are in my thoughts and some of my sweetest memories. You touched my soul and loving you changed me and made me a better person. Losing you changed me too. I love you and will love you forever, nothing can change that. I have been afraid to say goodbye to you. But I know that I have to. I miss you. I miss your laugh. I think that is what I miss the most. That and watching you play with Caley. It breaks my heart sometimes to look at her growing up because you aren’t here to see it and be part of it. I know you see her but I hate that she won’t “know” you. She is missing out on so much by not having you in her life. Moving forward is hard. The kids miss you terribly. We are all different without you. But we are going to be ok somehow.

Your life meant so much to so many people. I will always be grateful for the opportunity to share such an important part of my life with you. I am thankful to have been your wife.

I know as I move on that you are somewhere near me, smiling. You taught me to be willing to take risks, so here I go. I hope that you are proud of how far I have come in this last year and I hope you know I will take a part of you with me wherever I go.

I love you

Always & Forever

Robin

the ring

2010-03-30T09:58:00.001-07:00

I took my wedding ring off a couple of weeks ago. It wasn’t thought out or planned. I took it off when I was painting and put it on my dresser not thinking much of it at all. I just didn’t want to get paint all over it. I finished painting and showered and picked the ring up off of my dresser and stood with it in my hand. It held so much for me. So many memories and so much love shared. I remember when Donnie and I spoke of getting engaged “one day”. One of his friends had bought his girlfriend this elaborate expensive ring. I told him not to dare spend that kind of money on me. I didn’t need it. All I needed was a band and him and that was enough for me. He informed me that if I wanted to marry him, I would get what he gave me. I will say that he did a good job picking out the ring. It was beautiful. Simple and understated, just like me. I didn’t need a ring that screamed from the rooftop saying LOOK AT ME! It suited me, perfectly.

So here I stood 12 years after the day that he gave me that ring and I made the decision not to put it back on my finger. I hadn’t planned it. It just felt like it was time. It was time for me to move on. I am not Donnie’s wife anymore. I am, but I am not. I am his widow. My hand felt like it was missing part of itself. That ring has been on my hand for so long. But my heart knew that it was time and it knew that with or without that ring, I will always have what Donnie and I shared.

So I took out the small ring box that held Donnie’s wedding ring and put mine inside beside his and smiled and knew that is exactly where it was supposed to be. They were meant to be together. Just like he and I were .

my first year as a widow

2010-03-21T13:31:00.001-07:00

Even at the end of his long battle with cancer, Donnie’s death was a jolt to my soul. It shook my world and my faith. Although I was thankful his suffering had ended, the searing pain of losing him was unbearable. I just knew that I would never recover from such a loss. It is a long and painful and lonely walk thru the grief of widowhood. There are no shortcuts, no matter how hard you look for them.

It’s been one year since I began this journey into widowhood. It was very surreal to me. Planning the funeral were my first steps. It’s the first thing of many that I would have to face without him. After so many years together, your lives are intertwined so much that you can’t imagine a huge event without them by your side. But there I was standing in the front of that funeral home alone with everyone else’s grief over losing Donnie projected at me. It was overwhelming to say the least. I couldn’t think rationally. All my mind kept screaming was “this can’t be happening to me”. As the service ended, people filed to the front and pay their last respects. As they all walked by me, I knew that this was it. It was over. A wave of grief shook me. I knew that wasn't him in that coffin, he had left me days before, but it was just the finality of it all. I was a widow. I was no longer the person I was before. I was different. I had been different for the last 18 months as a cancer wife. Now I was a cancer widow. I broke down, I shook, and I wanted to scream. I wanted to wake from this nightmare. It was the end of the beginning of my walk into widowhood.

There was a numbness in the next couple of weeks as everyone is around and helping to hold me up. Then one day, they are all gone and I was left standing there again, alone.

In the days that followed, I was going thru the motions. Trying every day to do what everyone was expecting of me. Struggling everyday to get out of bed. Trying to show them all that I was ok. But all the while, having a huge part of me missing and second guessing my every decision. The smallest tasks seemed monumental and each day I wondered how I could possibly get thru one more. There were days that I felt, I might be getting a handle on things and then the very next day or sometimes even the same day, my world would come crashing down around me and the grief would overtake me. I didn’t recognize myself in the mirror anymore. The grief had taken its toll on me and I had detached myself from the world going on around me.

There were times that I was angry. I was angry that the world was still moving on all around me and I felt that mine had stopped and was standing still.

I am a widow. Those are hard words to say. It's even harder to see the reaction from someone when you say it. I am a young widow. People don't expect it from me. I don't fit the stereo type of what a widow should look like. I hate saying it. I tell people I lost my husband. I lost him, like I can't find him at the mall or something. I could not run away from the awful truth. I am a widow. He is gone and I will never see him again. I had an aha moment of the obvious to every one but me. I had spent so much time missing him that I had not focused on the obvious, that I would never see him again. I remember the first time that I said the words out loud. “I will never see him again". My voice quivered and my heart broke. I knew he was gone and had been mourning him being gon,but uttering those words was very profound. It was like saying it out loud made it all real. Like if I didn't say it, it wasn't real. It was accepting the fact that he was truly gone. It was 27 weeks when I said those words out loud. Almost 7 months.

Never again would I see his smile or hear his laugh. Never again would I gaze into those baby blues. Never again would I feel the warmth and safety of his arms around me or his fingers intertwined in mine. Never again would I see him walk thru the door at the end of the day or sitting next to me at the dinner table. Never again would I hear him say I love you or kiss me goodnight.

I don't know who I was trying to convince more that I was ok. The world, or me. Maybe I thought I could trick myself into believing that I could do this. You know, fake it till you make it? I longed for the day when the most menial chore didn't overwhelm me. Widowhood causes quite the identity crisis. Who am I? He and I were one unit. Now half of me was gone and I had to figure out who was left here. Not only was I mourning losing Donnie, I was mourning the loss of myself. I was lost I knew where he was. What I didn't know was where to find me.

I am made to feel that because I am young, my life will go on so nonchalantly like I am recovering from a broken leg or something. Donnie and I had 13 years together. I am compared to women who were married 40 years and told how much more they must suffer than me. Really? Are you kidding me? I am sure their grief and sorrow is very profound but it doesn't take anything away from the sorrow and the grief that I have experienced as well. Grief is grief and pain is pain no matter how you look at it. Just because you think someone else’s pain is worse, doesn’t mean that someone else’s pain is non existent.

As time went on I learned better to cope. Although I still felt the gaping absence of him not being there, I learned to get thru each day. There were many days all I wanted was to have him be able to tell me, it’s gonna be ok, you will make it thru this. I wanted to believe in myself as much as he believed in me but that wasn’t easy. But as time passed, I kind of learned how to do things on my own again. Regardless of the lie that time heals, it doesn’t heal. I just became more accustomed to him not being here with me. I didn’t have a choice but to figure things out.

I have been thru all of the stages of this beast called grief. Shock, denial, bargaining, depression and finally acceptance. Acceptance took the longest of them all. It was also the most painful. I have finally accepted that he isn’t coming back.

I have been desperately searching for “me” for the last year but what I have come to find is that I won’t ever find the “old me” again. I have changed. All of this has changed me. I miss the innocence of the old me. I miss the optimism that I had. But at the same time, I have found pieces of the person that I was and in all of this has emerged a “new me”. Just a different version of the old me. I have more of an appreciation for life. I don’t worry about the things that don’t matter anymore. I am actually kinder, more compassionate, understanding, less judgmental and more loving. Sometimes I am a little more scared, waiting on the other shoe to drop. But hopefully in time, that fear will fade. I am so much more than just a widow. I found Robin again. I have missed her. I have learned to accept myself for who I am and quit beating myself up over the mistakes that I make. I am only human. I know in my heart that everything I do is with the best intentions.

I am moving on and finding happiness again. I am not broken. I have just walked a bumpier path than most. But that is ok. I am stronger for it. I am finding my new life and my new beginning. And most of all, after all the heartache and everything I have been thru and even though it sounds crazy, I am so very blessed to live the life that I have.

Grief

2010-03-08T08:25:00.001-08:00

Grief is NOT a rational emotion. I will make you lash out at the ones you love the most. How much sense does that make to lash out at the people who love you? It can make you project your grief at them in anger because you are hurting and don’t know how to deal with it on your own. I am ashamed to say that I realize that I have done this more than once. If I have done this to you, I am sorry. It’s not something that I even realize that I am doing at the time, but realize afterwards. BUT, I guess the good thing that comes out of this is that I realize what I have done this and am working really hard to get that in check. Its hard to forgive myself for that but I know I am human and I make mistakes. All I can hope is to learn from them and not make the same mistakes again. So in closing, I will not only ask forgiveness of those that I love but patience to know that I am trying.

haunted

2010-03-05T10:11:00.001-08:00

Each day brings a memory that takes me back a year. Approaching the one year anniversary of Donnie’s death has flooded me with those memories of where I was a year ago. And these are not the memories that I want to revisit. It has been a year since he went into the hospital. Donnie. He was in so much pain but didn’t want to g to the hospital. That is the only time I ever remember Donnie yelling at me. We never fought and he never raised his voice. He wanted me to go refill his pain prescription and I wanted to take him to the hospital. He yelled at me and told me to do what he asked me to do. I did. When I came back, he called me to his side and sobbed and told me how sorry he was. I told him that he had nothing to be sorry for. He had done nothing wrong. I knew it was the pain talking, not him. I asked him what he would do if it was me. He told me he would make me go to the hospital. I asked him what the difference was. He told me that he would go.

Looking back now, it’s painful. We had no way of knowing that when he checked into the hospital that day that he wouldn’t come home until it was with hospice. And even though I know it is in no way my fault, I feel terrible for making him go. I made him go check into that hospital and he didn’t come out until it was time for him to go home to die. I made him go. I made him go and they put him thru all of the tests and surgeries and the treatments and he didn’t even want to go to the hospital. He did all of that for me. He suffered thru all of that for those 7 weeks because of me. Because he knew I wasn’t ready to say goodbye to him yet. How do I live with that?

We were both thinking that they would get him fixed up and in a day or two he could go home. They kept telling us maybe in a day or two, then maybe next week. Then we got to the point that we didn’t even ask anymore. He was there for a month. And in that month, I watched that fucking cancer take him from me, one day at a time. I lost a little bit of him each day he was there

It is these memories that are haunting me. These are the memories that cloud my mind right now. They replay like a movie in my mind that I can’t turn off. I. The smallest thing will spark that memory and I hate it. Donnie’s life was so much more than it was those last 7 weeks. That is what I am need to be remembering.

Who I Am

2010-02-18T13:31:00.001-08:00

Who I am

I can honestly make the statement that I am ok with who I am. I make no apologies for who I am and the choices that I make. I am ok with them. One thing I have learned is that it is perfectly alright to be the “me” that I want to be instead of the me that others want or expect me to be. I am human. I make mistakes. And you know what? That’s ok too. Because I know that everything that I do is with the best of intentions. I don’t have anyone else besides God and myself to answer to. I don’t have any regrets. Each laugh, every love, each moment of joy, every hardship, every mistake I have made, every tear I have cried, each moment of sadness, every smile, every disappointment and every moment have helped to shape who I am today. And I am good with that. Honestly, I wish everyone else was too, but can’t say that I lose sleep over the ones that aren’t. I know who I am and it’s a pretty good feeling to be perfectly fine with that.

2010-01-27T08:49:00.000-08:00

I have been slowly going thru the process of going thru Donnie’s things. Hell it was 7 months before I could throw out just his toothbrush. It’s a lot harder with everything else. I know that it is part of the grieving process. I know letting go of Donnie’s “things” is a part of acceptance. Accepting that he isn’t coming home. There is that Damn word acceptance again. It’s been haunting me for a while now.

There is something about knowing and “knowing”. It sounds crazy to most but it’s true. Letting go of Donnie’s stuff is me knowing and accepting that he won’t be back. Most of his stuff has been in the same place for the last 40 weeks. Hasn’t moved. Clothes in his closet and in his dresser. I don’t go in there, but I knew that it was there. I did take a good bit out of his closet for the kids blankets but for the most part, it stayed the same. I still have the same box sitting there from when my brother cleaned out his work truck. Everything that was his that was in that truck, still sits in that box, untouched. I still have the box of personal items that came from his office too. It still sits in the same place that it was since I brought it home. Maybe I haven’t had the desire to go thru those things because that was a different part of Donnie that I really didn’t know.
I seemed to have really reached a turning point since the holidays of wanting to be happy again. Finding a way to move on with my life. Maybe that is why I have decided that it was time to start going thru his things.
I had already changed the house so much. I had to. Although it was “our house” . I had to make it “mine”. If I didn’t, I don’t think I could live there. It wasn’t that I was trying to take Donnie out of the house. I just knew that it hurt too much to leave it the same. I had to make it “mine.” So I did. I painted and then I painted some more and changed a lot. There are still memories of Donnie there but the house is “mine” now. It has to be.

Going thru his things is another step in making the house mine. I started with his dresser last week. I couldn’t bear to part with his LSU socks. I gave them to Justin. Then came his shorts. Anyone who knew Donnie knew that he rarely wore pants. The shorts were going to be tough to get rid of. I stood there with the bag in my hands, I took the shorts out of the dresser. As I took each pair out, I could picture Donnie standing there in front of me. Putting them in the bag was hard. Harder than I could have ever imagined. I think the only way I can describe it is this,, they are only “things” but these “things” are all that is physical that you have left of the person that you lost. They are the only things that you can actually put your hands on and touch. They are your last physical contact to that person. And getting rid of those things is like getting rid of a part of the person that you lost and you are losing a connection to them. I know it sounds stupid and completely crazy but I guess that is the only way I can make sense of it. I kept telling myself as I put each pair of shorts in the bag, they are only shorts, but my mind kept saying “ but they are Donnie’s shorts”. Silly as it is as the last pair went into the bag and I tied it up, I cried. I cried for all of it, for loving him, for losing him and now for feeling like I was saying goodbye to him all over again. Getting rid of his clothes is the final step in letting him go.

Then came the kicker. In the top of Donnie’s dresser was a stack full of greeting cards. Birthday cards, anniversary cards, just because cards, Valentines cards. I think it was every card I had given Donnie over the last 4 or 5 years. He had all of them right there at his fingertips. I knew that we had some older ones but I didn’t realize that he had kept so many of them and thought so much of them to keep them so close to him.

When I finished his dresser I had 2 large garbage bags there, full. Now what? Now what do I do with them? They sat in the same spot in front of that dresser for 2 days.

Shantel came in the room and asked me, What is that? I told her. She looked at me with tears in her eyes and said in shock “you are getting rid of them?!?” Wow, dagger to the heart. I told her yes, that I had to. I had to so I could move on with my life. He can’t use them anymore . She said “I know”. I told her I was sorry . It can’t stay the same . Tears in her eyes she looks at me and says “ I just miss him’ Yeah baby, I know. I just miss him too. But all in all, she knew, she understood. We all miss him. But they want me to be happy again.

2 days later when I got off of work, I went to see him. I talked to him. Like I always have. I told him how much I missed him. But I told him that I was trying. I told him that I know that he wants me to be happy and that I want to be happy and I am taking steps to be happy again and that I know that is what he wanted and that I know that he would understand.

I went home and laid in my bed and I cried. And I cried some more. And then I dried my eyes and got up, grabbed the bags and across the street into the goodwill dumpster they went. It was bittersweet. It was sad to let go of them but it was a release at the same time. I don’t know if that even makes any sense. I need a clean slate to start over in my life. I guess this is just part of me wiping the slate clean. All of his things don’t connect me to him. My heart does. I don’t need those things anymore. I have accepted that he is in my heart and will always be. Holding onto material things doesn’t keep him there. My love for him does.

Perhaps our eyes need to be washed by our tears once in a while, so that we can see Life with a clearer view again.

So one major step for me. I still have those work boxes to go thru and I need to finish going thru his closet. I know it won’t be easy but I know it is what I need to do. It is my way of letting go.

Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point in order to move forward.

finding my smile

2010-01-20T05:27:00.001-08:00

I find lately I have found my smile again. Not that I haven’t smiled in the last 40 weeks but my TRUE smiles were few and far between at times and when I did I would feel guilty for it. I am smiling again like I haven’t since I don’t even remember when. It feels good to smile.

Maybe it’s because I finally decided that I needed to quit beating myself up for enjoying myself and for trying to move on with my life. A friend of mine told me it was time to “cut yourself some slack”. I knew that. But maybe I just needed someone else to point it out to me.

I have hung on tightly to my grief like a warm blanket. I felt that it kept me close to Donnie and if I tried to let it go it was like letting him go and losing him all over again. I felt if I let go that it would mean that I was forgetting him and what we had. Now, I know that these are not rational thoughts, but who ever said grief was rational anyway? I know now that Donnie will always be with me. I can’t hold onto that grief that way any longer.

I have decided that I deserve to be happy again. It’s what I want. And I know it’s what Donnie wanted for me as well. He didn’t want me to feel guilty for still living when he couldn’t. But feeling guilty is what I have been doing and I think it is about time that I stop. Me feeling guilty or standing still in my life won’t bring him back. I have come to the realization that I still matter. I have spent so much time taking care of everyone else my whole life that I didn’t know how to take care of myself or do for myself. But it’s time now. It’s time for me to be happy. I’m getting there.

In his memory

2010-01-18T10:07:00.001-08:00

I can’t help but think about all the people who have gone before me on this path and those that are traveling the same path as I write this and the sad fact that there will be so many more that will face the same challenges. What a sad thing that this cancer is. Any cancer. I am saddened by the thought of so many people being afflicted with this disease. My heart breaks for the children, parents, brothers, sisters, for the husbands and wives and friends and family who this disease has affected.

I have met so many wonderful people thru Donnie’s illness that I wouldn’t have met otherwise. Honestly I wish I would have never met any of them. Because it means they are facing cancer. Most of them share the same common bond of a spouse who has cancer or that has passed away from cancer. I have corresponded with so many wives and even other cancer patients who have told me that my writing has helped them to see how their spouse may feel. It is amazing to me the feedback that I get about what I write. I write for me. I write to release the emotions and thoughts and feelings that are pent up inside my head and heart. And as hard as it is to, I continue to post them and put them out there. These writings are my most intimate thoughts and fears. Yet, I display them for the whole world to see. I am sharing with everyone and anyone who wants to read my joy, my pains and my sufferings and my journey through this whole process.

It’s not always easy posting for the world to see what I am feeling. The ups and downs and the highs and lows of this journey aren’t always pretty. My thoughts and fears aren’t always rational. There are times that I am ashamed of the way that I am feeling or thinking. But yet, I still continue to put this out there. I was asked by someone why I do this? Why do I put myself thru reliving what most people would want to forget? It’s a good question. So I ask myself, why do I do this? Why do I expose myself this way? There are those who may judge me for those feelings or not understand. But honestly, those people don’t matter. It took me a while to come to terms with that. I am ok with the person that I am and the choices that I make. Do I always make the right choices or the best decision at the time? No I don’t, I’m human, we all are. But I am still ok with who I am. I know why I do this. I do this for those wives and husbands who have the same thoughts and fears that I had and still have. I do this so they don’t think that they are crazy for feeling the way that they do. I do it so they know that there is someone else out there that knows how they feel. I would have given anything to have had the support of someone who could have told me that I wasn’t crazy for feeling the way that I did. Unless you have walked this path, you can’t imagine feeling some of the things that I have experienced and felt. I never felt so alone in my life. I know what it’s like to feel alone in a room full of people. I can only hope that I can ease that feeling for someone else.

So in answer to my question to myself and anyone else who may want to know, I do this in memory of Donnie. The things that I post and the conversations that I have privately with some of the people I have come into contact with aren’t always easy conversations. But I am an open book and will share with them anything that they would like to know about my experience and of Donnie’s life and death. It is my tribute to an amazing man that I was lucky enough to have been loved by and call my husband. If I can help others to travel this difficult road that is before us then maybe Donnie’s death wasn’t in vain. If I can inspire others, then I will continue what I am doing. I would like to think that I have helped others, even those not traveling the cancer path, to see that sometimes the little things in life are the most precious and not to take them for granted. Maybe all of this is part of my healing process.

I hope as I continue on this journey that I find my way again. I hope that I give others hope that even as hard as it is, somehow you can find yourself again and learn to smile and be happy again. My wish is to give people HOPE!

Donnie touched so many lives. He affected everyone that he came into contact with. I know the impact the he had on my life and that of my children. I still miss him terribly. I am a better person for knowing and being loved by him. So as I continue with my outreach, I think to myself of the lives that Donnie is still touching thru me and it doesn’t surprise me, that’s the kind of person that he was. I think he would be proud.

living again

2010-01-11T14:51:00.001-08:00

It’s been 27 months since I started grieving the loss of Donnie. 27 months ago we heard those 5 words that changed everything. “It’s not good, it’s cancer”. It’s been over 2 years since we heard those words. Even then, I didn’t know what today would hold, but we knew that our time was limited. Initially it was projected that Donnie would have 4-6 months to live. We were very fortunate to have had 18 months together after that fateful day.

I guess my point in all of this is realizing that I have been grieving for over 2 years. After Donnie was diagnosed, I was grieving the loss of our life as we knew it. I was grieving his health as I watched it decline. I was grieving the entire time for something that I knew was coming and could not change

I was grieving the loss of our carefree life. I was grieving the loss of innocence in my children. Their innocence that believed that Daddy would always be here with us. I was grieving for our future plans and shared dreams that we had that we knew could never be.

I have never felt so helpless as I did in those 18 months after his diagnosis.

I have been grieving the physical loss of him for the last 39 weeks. Part of me will grieve for him the rest of my life. I will always miss him and love him. He is such a part of me. I can’t change that.

I guess the reason that I am writing this is because of everything that I have heard about the grieving process. All the stages of grief. How time heals and numerous other things. I think most people think 1 year is the magic number. After a year, it will be all better. How can you put a time table on this? How can any one person tell another how they are supposed to mourn their loss or for how long? Each person grieves differently. Some in silent, some openly. Who are we to say which way is right? Just because one person grieves openly doesn’t mean that they hurt any more than the person who is hiding it.

I am working on the “acceptance” stage of my grief. I remember the first time I uttered the words out loud “ I will never see him again”. It was 7 and a half months after he died. Such a truthful statement but I had been so focused on my own grief that I had not truly comprehended that thought. I know that sounds crazy to most people but to others who have been down this road will understand. When I spoke those words out loud, you can’t imagine how it hurt to say it. Even though you know someone is gone, it is still hard to admit to your heart. Even though I had known for 18 months that I was losing him. Admitting he is truly gone is a huge thing for me.

I don’t expect people to understand my grief process. My hope is that what I share with people helps them to understand tolerance and how hurtful it is to judge people in my position. But what I have learned in all of this and have finally accepted is that there will always be people who do judge me because they don’t think that I am grieving “correctly” no matter what I say or do. I have learned not to care what those people think. And I don’t judge them for thinking whatever they think about me. I am thankful that they aren’t in a position to know how they would behave if this happened to them.

I didn’t die when Donnie did. I certainly wanted to for a while. I’ve been grieving for the last 27 months. I want to live again, not just survive. And in my heart I know that Donnie wouldn’t fault me for that.

2010-01-07T14:48:00.001-08:00

I am being told by so many people after my last blog how proud they are of me and how proud Donnie would be too.

I won’t lie and say it’s easy. By far it isn’t easy moving on in my life without him. I have been holding onto my grief as my connection to Donnie. I can’t do that anymore. I don’t want to do that anymore. I think part of me felt like if I try to let go of that grief that I am going to forget him or not love him anymore. I know that isn’t the case.

BUT with that being said, actually letting go of my grief isn’t as easy as saying it.

I really want to leave this grief behind. I want to move forward in my life. I try every day to count the blessings that I have been given. It can be difficult, that is for sure. But I am working to focus on the now, and what is good in my life. But that grief can still sneak up on me and drag me back to those places that I don’t want to go. And sometimes it is when I least expect it. I will be rolling along thinking that I am getting a handle on things and here it comes jumping out of the shadows and slamming into me again. But I think what is finally starting to happen, is that after it slams me to the ground and knocks the wind out of me, I manage to get back up. Sometimes pretty quick, sometimes longer. But that desire to keep getting back up is being fueled! So I think that is a good thing. It doesn’t mean I am not still sad for losing him. Part of me will always be sad for losing him and there is a fracture in my heart that will never heal. But I’m not broken. And I don’t want to be treated like I am. I have to learn to live with this fracture but it doesn’t mean I need to be fixed. That starts a whole new train of thought.

I can’t be fixed. No one can wave that magic wand or put a band-aid on me and make everything that happened disappear or make me forget Donnie. Because if that is the case , I definitely don’t want to be fixed. Loving Donnie and even losing Donnie helped to shape the person that I am today. I don’t want someone to “fix” me or “make me forget” or “rescue” me or whatever. The only thing that I want is acceptance. I am who I am, scars and all. This is me and I like who I am. No amount of happiness now can change what I have been thru. But it doesn’t mean that I can’t be happy again. My future is only possible because of my past. I will never “get over it”. All I can do is keep moving forward. I am still “flashlight walking” and can only see a couple of steps ahead but I am still looking ahead searching for that brighter light that allows me to see beyond today or tomorrow. Hopefully I will see it soon. Maybe one day.

resolutions

2010-01-06T15:51:00.000-08:00

A New Year. I can’t believe it’s a new year already. But at times, the last year was the longest of my life. 2009 was by far the worst year of my life. I faced challenges that I never wanted to face and had my world shattered.

The New Year is supposed to bring hope and the promise of starting fresh. I am not making any new years resolutions. Not really. I am hoping for the following things this year. These are my “Goals”

My goal is that my genuine smiles will be more frequent.

I hope all of my memories of Donnie are good memories of the times we shared together and not just last year.

I want to find a way to smile thru those memories and not cry quite as much.

I want to continue to help others who are facing the same struggles that I have faced with my writing.

My hope is that people will stop treating me like I am broken or that I need “fixing” and treat me like I am “Robin” again.

I want to find a way to truly move on with my life and find my new normal.

I hope that people will stop judging me for trying to move on with my life. And even if they do, my goal is not to care if they do and to forgive them for being so judgmental. For I am thankful that they haven’t had to walk in my shoes.

My goal is to live everyday to it’s fullest and not take a moment of this life I have been given for granted. I want to make Donnie proud of me. I think he is.

a new year

2010-01-05T14:41:00.003-08:00

Dear Donnie,

Here I face yet another holiday without you. I am remembering last New Years Eve with you. As we danced and your arms were around me, I knew in my heart that it would be our last. I tried to soak up every memory and every moment of what exactly that felt like. I tried to embed the feeling of your arms around me in my memory so I could reach in and revisit that memory whenever I wanted to once you were gone. I remember what it felt like. I never felt more safe in this world than when I was in your arms.

Facing this New Year without you is scary. Some days I don’t know how I will get thru. But it is on those days that I reach into my memory bank and revisit those memories to help get me thru. Still knowing and still believing that you are still with me all I have to do is close my eyes to see you and feel you there.

Thank you for so many wonderful memories to choose from. I miss you everyday.

I love you

Always and Forever

Robin

I wrote the following a few months ago but wanted to share it.

When you miss me

When you miss me

Close your eyes

I know you can’t touch me

But can you feel me?

I am there with you

In your heart

holding you close

When you miss me

Close your eyes

Stop for a moment

remember how we met

And how wonderful it was

Falling in love

When you miss me

Close your eyes

Remember that laughter

the tears

the life we had together

And know how blessed we were.

For the love we shared

When you miss me

Close your eyes and listen

I am there

I am the whisper of the wind

Saying I love you

And wrapping my love around you

When you miss me

Close your eyes

And forgive me

know that I didn’t want to leave you

But it was time for me to go

When you miss me

Close your eyes

search for me

I am still there

Helping you to go on

wanting you to go on

Giving you the strength

To find your place in the world without me.

Author: Robin Reynolds

Christmas

2009-12-28T18:42:00.003-08:00

Christmas came and went without Donnie. I won’t lie, it was tough. Christmas Eve I worked half the day. As I was driving home, the thought of spending Christmas without Donnie overwhelmed me. I broke down. I cried all the way home. I got home and pulled out a video of us and Courtney and I sat down to watch it. And we both cried. I miss him and wanted to see him. On Christmas Eve Donnie and I never had any plans with our own family, so we would spend Christmas Eve with our friends families. They were our extended family. I couldn’t bring myself to go this year without him. I couldn’t go because he was supposed to be there. I think it would have been too difficult.

That just shines a huge spotlight on the fact that he isn’t there.

Christmas morning we got up and I made the breakfast that Donnie always made for us. Now honestly, I don’t think mine was as good as his but it was ok. I will say Caley helped to keep our spirits light. It was a joy to watch her opening her presents and handing out presents. She was soooo excited. At the same time there was a heaviness upon me. He was supposed to be there and it just didn’t feel right without him.

The kids had been upset with the thought of me cleaning out Donnie’s closet. I think that they wanted everything to stay exactly the same as it was. I understand that. Cleaning out is acceptance that he is gone and not coming home. It isn’t an easy thought to process in my grieving heart. I found a company that made Tshirt quilts. I went thru his closet and picked shirts for each child a quilt. I picked each shirt for each quilt with care. Donnie and Courtney had LSU matching shirts, so she got his. Same thing with Justin and Shantel had her favorites. Each shirt told a story about Donnie to that child. They also screen printed a picture onto each quilt. I picked my favorite picture of each of them with Donnie. Justin’s was a picture of he and Donnie, playing pool. Shantel’s was them parasailing last summer. And Courtney’s was a picture of her and Donnie in their matching shorts. She was 3. Just a pair of striped athletic shorts. Courtney loved them. Every time that Donnie wore his, she had to wear hers. She loved that they matched. I have kept those shorts all of these years and they are sewed into the quilt next to the picture of her and Donnie. These quilts were their Christmas gifts from me.

I waited until all of their other presents were opened and gave them to the kids last. I can only say it was quite the tear fest as they opened them. All of the Donnie stories attached to the shirts were revisited. I think it is the most precious gift I could have ever given them. It made him feel closer to us on that first Christmas without him. In a way, he was there with us in those stories and those shirts and our tears. We all cried but the kids were so happy to have those. It is a part of Donnie that they can always keep and take with them wherever they go. When they are missing him, they can curl up in these blankets and have Donnie all around them. I was so glad that I found the company that made them. I haven’t made myself one, but I think I will.

I have been dreading Christmas for months. I knew it would be so very hard and it was. But somehow I managed to make it thru. There are days that I think that there is no possible way that I will ever get past this raging grief inside me and on other days I feel just a small ray of hope fighting towards that grief. I just keep telling myself that it will take time. But somehow, some way, someday, I hope and pray that I will stop “just surviving” and truly start living again. One day………

Merry Christmas

2009-12-24T06:11:00.001-08:00

My Grown Up Christmas Wishes

My Christmas list has changed quite a bit over the years. I now have a “grown up” Christmas list. Although I am no longer a child, I can still dream. These are the “gifts” I am asking Santa to bring you.

I wish you Joy and Peace

And leisurely happy days filled with love

and shared with family.

The realization of a how precious and fleeting

the gift of time really is.

Not ribbons and bows , Nor lights and trees

No worries about sales and stresses of shopping

to find the perfect gift.

Only Joy in the Holiday

and beautiful memories of time spent

with those you love.

For these are the “gifts”

that will be remembered

for many years to come.

I wish you an abundance of wonderful new memories

to warm your hearts.

I wish you all of these things and so much more…….

With All my Love

Robin

facing the holiday

2009-12-14T17:35:00.001-08:00

As I approach my first major holiday without Donnie, I am sad. I know that it will be a hard Christmas for the kids and I without him. The grief can be so much bigger than me and it draws me into places that I don’t want to go. Gried has changed me and I hate it. I want to go back to when my life was simple again. Before cancer tore my world apart. I try not to think about it too much because I know that there is nothing that I can do to bring those days back. I can only focus on the future. It’s hard to explain to someone who isn’t “where I am” in life. The feeling of being so tired but not being able to sleep,or not wanting to go to sleep because you don’t want to face waking up again the next morning and realizing that he isn’t there. the feeling of being lost at times and the complete exhaustion that can come along with this grief. There is an emptiness and a void in my life that can’t be seen but can only be felt. It is a void that can’t be filled. I must learn to live with that void. It’s like cutting off a limb and learning how to function again without it. It won’t ever grow back or be replaced but somehow you have to find a way to adjust and learn to live the way that you are now.

Losing Donnie changed me. Fear is now a part of my every day life. Fear of a future without Donnie, the fear of the unknown. There is the fear of letting people get close to me as I want to protect my heart from any more hurt. I wonder will I ever feel like I am truly living again and not only surviving. I wonder if I will ever just fall asleep peacefully again and not have a million thoughts running thru my mind. I wonder when I will be able to find myself and my new life without him.

I am still grieving and have lost my way but I know , or atleast I hope, that somewhere down deep I am still the woman that I once was. Just because I am lost and afraid doesn’t mean that I won’t ever find that “me” again. I worry that I am not strong enough to get thru this but somehow, some way I find enough strength each day to get out of bed, put on a smile (well ,some days) and face the world again. I have always been a fighter and although at times I get scared that this monster called grief will beat me but I know that it won’t win. How? Because that is who I am.

facing the holiday

2009-12-14T17:33:00.000-08:00

another day

2009-11-23T19:31:00.000-08:00

2009-10-24T14:35:00.001-07:00

I find myself thinking so much of Donnie lately. I am just trying to remember every facial expression every laugh. I want to dream about him. I only have twice. The first time I dreamed of him, he was still sick and he was mad at me and wouldn’t speak to me. Then a month or so ago when I was struggling so hard with wanting to be happy again, I dreamed of him again. This time it was young healthy Donnie. He still had his hair, (His full head of hair) and he was wearing that purple pinstriped LSU shirt that I forgot he even had. It was so good to see him. He didn’t speak to me but he took my face in his hands and looked me in the eyes and I felt that he was telling me that it was ok for me to want to be happy again. God, I miss him. I miss him so much. I go thru the motions everyday and some days I find myself smiling and then there are moments that I have when it hits me all over again that I won’t ever see him again and it’s like some dropped a house on me again. I miss his smile and the sound of his laugh and I miss the way he talked with his hands. I miss the way that he titled his head to the side and looked “up” at me smiling when he disagreed with me and was trying to make his point. Oh what I wouldn’t give for just one more day, one more hug, one more word, one more laugh, or even one more minute with him. There are days that I think that I am strong and I will get thru this and then there are days (lots of them) that I wonder how I can ever go on without him. I find myself second guessing every decision I make. The smallest decisions and tasks can still be so overwhelming.

I think that people tend to associate grieving like climbing a mountain It’s like we are moving upwards climbing and then when we get to the top of the mountain, we see light, climb up and rejoin the world and we are ok again. If only that is how easy it was. As you climb this mountain, you struggle and climb , sometimes you are blindfolded and you don’t know which way is up and sometimes you slip and sometimes you fall, so bumped and bruised, you get up and climb again. It takes everything you have got and then you reach the top and pull yourself up and feel like maybe you are getting somewhere and as you stand up and look around you see that you aren’t there yet. You look around and ahead and as far as you can see, there are mountains to climb. So you almost tumble back down that mountain you just climbed and battered and bleeding, you get up and try again. Hopefully you don’t stay down at the bottom of the mountain long but sometimes it takes a while to gather the courage to start climbing again. Sometimes your friends are at the top of the mountain encouraging you to get up there. And then there are times that they are not, they live in a different world from you now. but they don’t even realize it. Each time I reach the top of one of my mountains, it’s easy to get discouraged looking ahead at the mountains left to climb. So all I can hope is that one day that I become stronger and it isn’t so hard to climb that mountain and that the mountains will become smaller. Hopefully I can stay on top of the mountain longer each time before I fall again.

Happy Birthday Courtney

2009-10-02T15:25:00.001-07:00

Happy Birthday Courtney

Today is Courtney’s 17th birthday. I cannot believe that my baby girl, my little lullabelle is 17 already. Where does the time go? Where is that tee niny little girl who loved to curl up in my lap and ran into the back of me when I stopped walking. My mini me.
She is growing into a beautiful young woman. I am so proud of her.

Again, there is a pain in my heart because Donnie isn’t here to celebrate her birthday with us. But I told her that her Daddy is smiling down on her today and he loves her soooo much. She walked outside earlier and there on the front step was a golf tee. It made her smile. She felt like it was Daddy telling her happy birthday.
Now I can tell you I know where it came from. I brought Donnie’s clubs to his brothers last weekend. I am sure it fell out then. But it sat there for over a week and no one noticed it. Courtney has gone up and down those steps 100 times, she never saw it. So her finding it on her birthday is special to her. I told her he was smiling down on her. J

Happy Birthday Courtney
You will ALWAYS be my Lullabelle. I love you
Momma

2009-09-29T15:24:00.001-07:00

Saturday was 11 years since Donnie and I were married. I awoke that morning 11 years ago praying that Hurricane George wasn’t coming our way. I think it was the first time that they ever did contra flow out of New Orleans. Traffic was a mess. But in the middle of all that chaos,I was surprisingly calm. I knew that I was right where I was supposed to be.
When Todd took my arm to walk me down the aisle, my eyes filled with tears. All I could think was “oh great, I’m going to be a blubbering mess all the way down the aisle” Todd looked at me and said “I got a C note, we can go to the casino and forget all this mess” He made me laugh. I found out later, he told Donnie the same thing. He’s such a funny boy. As I walked towards Donnie, the way he looked at me melted my heart. I had never been loved so much by someone. As we said our vows, Donnie choked back the tears. It’s kind of funny that he cried thru our first wedding, I cried thru our renewal. I guess we couldn’t both fall apart at the same wedding.

As we danced to our fist song and Donnie held me it was one of the most precious moments of my life. The feeling of being exactly where I was supposed to be. It was 10 years before we would have the opportunity to dance to that song again.

For over 10 years I was proud to be Donnie’s wife. I am so blessed for the relationship that we shared. We had our ups and downs as all couples do but even when he made me so mad that I wanted to throw something at him, I couldn’t imagine my life without him. But here I am now, trying to find my way without him. I would have never thought on that day 11 years ago that I would be where I am today without him. I miss him so much and am still lost without him most days. But, I know that he is with me in my heart and I will always carry him with me, wherever I go. Along with the memories and lessons about life and love that he taught me. I was so lucky to have him love me the way he did. I am thankful for every day that we shared together and will miss him the rest of my life.

2009-09-24T14:52:00.001-07:00

9-23-09
As I sit here today on his birthday, I feel drained. I cried all the way to work today. I have tried to recall every memory, every smile, every fight I ever had with Donnie. I am scared. Scared that I might forget some of those memories. How could I? I don’t think I could but it feels like so long since I have seen him and I miss him so. I don’t want to forget one moment that we shared together. I want to keep them all “on file” so I can go back to every one of them and remember any time I want to.
It feels as if the weight of the world is on my shoulders.

I am trying to have good memories and celebrate Donnie’s life and the life we shared together but it is so hard. Every memory makes me so sad cause I miss him so much.

9-24-09

I left work yesterday and went to the cemetery to see him. I sat and talked to him for a while. I cried and told him how much I miss him and how I am so scared that I will forget memories that we made together and that I didn’t want to. I told him that I want to find a way to be happy again. I love him and I miss him so but I can’t stand the hurt. It’s so hard. I have to find a way to be able to deal with the pain and do what I have to do to find happiness in my life again. I told him how I don’t know how I am supposed to do that. I asked him to help me. He was my strength when he was here, he made me feel like I could do anything. I am still trying to draw my strength from him and how much he believed in me. I went home with the intention of crawling into my bed and pulling the covers over my head and crying all night. The pain was unbearable.

I went home and took at bath and got ready for bed and for whatever reason I noticed the home movie cassettes on my dresser and decided to hook up the video camera to the tv to watch. I watched home movies of us as a family all night. Probably 4 hours. It was sad but at the same time it made me feel so much better. I have missed him so much, I miss seeing him, hearing his voice.

It was so good to see him WELL. I know he is well now and not sick anymore. I want to find all of those good memories that we had and hold onto those. It’s not that we didn’t make precious memories in the last 18 months, but I don’t want to focus on the sick memories. I want to remember and cherish the “life” that we shared together. Our carefree days when we still had forever and weren’t living on borrow time.

I can’t say I didn’t cry watching the movies but they were a comfort to me, they made me smile and several made me laugh. There he was, young healthy smiling and joking Donnie. The Donnie that I fell in love with. He was there looking at me and talking to me and smiling and saying I love you . In a way, he was giving me strength to go on without him. It was good to see him. I have missed him so.

2009-09-23T06:35:00.001-07:00

My dear sweet Donnie,

I can do nothing but think of you today. Today is your 45th birthday. Oh how I hate that you are not here with me. It’s been 163 days (23 weeks) since I saw you last. It’s been longer than that since you were actually still here with me. It seems like an eternity has passed. I know to some people it doesn’t seem like so long but every hour with out you, to me seems like 10.

I still have days that I am angry that you are gone. It just isn’t right. It just wasn’t supposed to be this way. We fought so hard. YOU fought so hard. I only wish that there was something more that I could have done to keep you here with us. I would do anything I could give you another day

We all miss you so much. The kids are doing the best that they can to do what they are supposed to do. Justin is determined to do the best he can in college because he wants to make you proud. I know you are. Caley still looks for you. She still misses you . As I watch her grow it makes me sad to know what you are missing with her. I can just see you there playing with her and making her giggle. I am sad to know that she won’t have you her with her as she grows but I know that you are watching over her. .

I know what I am supposed to be doing or should I say what you wanted me to do and I hope you know that I am trying. It’s not easy without you and you told me that it wouldn’t be. But you told me that I was strong enough to do this and make it thru
That’s what drives me to keep on going without you. It is so much harder than I could have ever imagined. We had so many future plans that we won’t get to share.

But I am thankful for every day that we shared together. I am a better person for having been loved by you. Thank you for making me feel so special and worthy of your unconditional love. Thank you for supporting me even when you didn’t agree with me. Thank you for teaching the kids by example what true love is and showing Justin how a man should be. Thank you for being the kind of man that people admired. Thank you for fighting so hard for me. Thank you for worrying so much about me and what it would be like for me without you and trying to help me get thru. Thank you for all of the sacrifices that you made for our family. Thank you for being my confidant, my best friend, my soul mate , my partner and my love. Most of all thank you for being YOU and loving me the way that you did. You were an amazing and special man and I was lucky and honored to call myself your wife.

Happy birthday my love until we meet again

Always and ForeverI love you Robin

2009-09-21T21:01:00.001-07:00

It’s still so tough. I miss him. That void is still this huge gaping hole in my heart. I get so overwhelmed by it all sometimes. I look around and wonder “how did I get here? How did it get to the point that I am sitting in the cemetery talking to Donnie?” +

I’ve been angry lately. I want to stomp my feet and scream at the top of my lungs that it just isn’t fair. He deserved so much more life than he had. It wasn’t supposed to be this way.

There are days that I think that I am making so much progress of getting myself together and then there are days (or weeks) that I seem to be falling apart again and it is discouraging to me. I often wonder if I will ever have a new normal. Will I ever have a time that I am not so sad? Then part of me feels guilty for even wanting that. Part of me feels that my grief is my connection to Donnie. It is a vicious roller coaster and it isn’t a good ride. Somebody stop this ride and let me get off!!

I know that every “first” without him will be heartbreaking. My birthday was hard. I worry if my birthday was so hard, how will I handle his birthday Wednesday? Or our anniversary Saturday? Then the girls both have their birthdays the following week. It’s going to be a tough month. I sometimes wonder how I will ever make it thru all of this! I just don’t think that I can.

I am glad that I was able to get away with my friends for my birthday. We smiled and we laughed. There were even a few brief moments that I found “me” again, just not as many as I had hoped for. I found myself thinking of Donnie a lot. I must have thought 100 times “I need to tell Donnie that”.

How in the world am I ever going to find a new normal?

2009-09-21T20:52:00.001-07:00

2009-09-09T05:18:00.001-07:00

9-8-09

I have been talking a lot and thinking a lot lately about finding “me” again. I have brief moments that I do feel like myself again. But at the same time, I think of how this whole experience has changed me.

I am not the same person I was 2 years ago when Donnie got his diagnosis. I am very different. So here I am again searching for me and my new normal. Who am I? I am a well spouse and a caregiver. My life hasn’t been focused on me in a very long time. How do I know who I am anymore?

I have changed. I am more tolerable now of people and less judgmental than I was before. I have learned that you don’t know what someone else’s struggles are. Even if you can’t see them, they could be fighting their own demons. I learned this of how people judged me throughout Donnie’s illness and still judge me today.

When Donnie was sick, people judged me all the time, good and bad. Some people thought I was so strong while others judged me for being to weak. “Donnie looks fine” Or “ he will beat this” and “you shouldn’t be negative” or things like that were said to me. I wasn’t being negative, I was afraid. I was terrified. Although I tried to remain positive as much as possible, I was afraid because I knew what lay ahead. No one else “knew” it. But Donnie and I both did.

You can’t imagine how awful of a feeling that is for 18 months to know that your husband and love of your life is dying and there isn’t a damn thing that you can do to stop it. Think about it, 18 months, every day, I was faced with the reality of knowing that I was losing him. I felt so helpless and my life felt out of control. We were fighting a battle that we could not win, even though no one else chose to see it. I have heard so many times since Donnie passed. “Wow, I was shocked!! I thought he would beat this” “He seemed to be doing so well” All of these people knew he had stage 4 cancer. They just didn’t want to see it because Donnie put on such a good front so they chose not to accept the truth.

I admire Donnie so much for the battle he fought. He never complained or asked “Why me?” He accepted his diagnosis and impending death with a courage that I could never do. He made the choice to LIVE everyday of life that he was given and not let cancer take away the precious memories that he had left to make. When most people would be wallowing in self pity and staying in the bed and being sick, playing the victim and afraid to fight, Donnie got up and he went to work and he got up and played with the grandbaby. He played golf, he spent time with me and the kids. He took advantage of every moment that he had. How many well people can even say that? We tend to think we have unlimited tomorrows and we put off things that we shouldn’t. Like spending quality time with the people that you love and letting them know that you love them. Donnie lived his life and especially his last 18 months with no regrets. I can honestly say that I lived those last 18 months of his life with no regrets either. We seized every moment and every opportunity we had. I am so thankful for that. How many people can say that?

People still judge me every single day. Some fault me for mourning Donnie for so long and how much I still cry over him. Some judge me for trying to continue to live without him. And I won’t lie and say that all of those judgments haven’t hurt me. They have. But I can say this, I have learned that it doesn’t matter what those people think of me. It only matters what I think and how I feel. I am ok with the person that I am and I’m trying to be. I am ok with the choices that I make. They can’t possibly understand what I have been thru and still go thru everyday. Donnie’s illness and death changed me so much and made me appreciate every single day that I am allowed here on this earth. As hard as it is to move on with my life without Donnie, I have to. I don’t want to waste any of the precious moments that I have been given.

It’s easy to sit in judgment of me and say what “you” would do and how “you” would act. It’s easy for you to sit and say what you think that I am supposed to do. I can’t fault people for that. I understand because I have judged people myself and I would be lying if I said I hadn’t. We would all be lying if we said that. But these people who think that they know what I am supposed to do or how I should act, haven’t been thru what I have been thru. They haven’t experienced the helplessness out of control life that I have led for 2 years now. They can’t possibly understand. Even the people who love Donnie can’t understand. They think about Donnie from time to time, some even daily and they feel the loss of him in their lives. But they all have lives that didn’t include Donnie. But what they can’t understand is that I feel that loss every single minute of every single day. He was my life and my love and my partner and my best friend and I feel that loss every moment of every day. When Donnie died, my world was turned upside down and it completely stopped. While everyone else around me kept moving forward, I was left standing here alone, wondering, “what do I do now?”.

The people who judge me are obviously not people who love me. The people who truly love me want me to be happy and find “me” again. They don’t judge me for the days that I lie in the bed and cry all day nor do they judge me for the days that I find my smile again.

There are so many times that I think that I will NEVER be able to have a somewhat normal life again. I think that I can NEVER get over losing Donnie and honestly, I don’t think I ever will. But, it was pointed out to me how far I have come since losing him that even I didn’t realize. After Donnie died, I lay on the floor and screamed and I begged God to take me too. I wanted to die with him. Nothing else mattered because I hurt so badly. I just wanted it to stop. I didn’t care how. I have never felt pain like that before. Nor do I ever want to again. I guess I have come far. Although, I still hurt every single day and would give anything to have him back and I still cry buckets of tears over losing him and the battle he went thru, I ‘m not wanting to die with him anymore. I get up everyday and I want to enjoy my kids and grandbaby and cherish the moments that I have with them and my friends and family. I guess I have come a long way. Maybe one day I will be able to remember Donnie and smile again for what we have shared and not hurt and have my heart break remembering him. I want my memories of Donnie to be happy and not painful. Who could fault me for that?
I am leaving on Thursday to get away with my 2 very best friends in the whole world. I am hoping that on our trip, I have moments that I find “me” again. I can’t imagine what I would do without them. I know that they would never judge me and only want the best for me and they know “me” better than anyone else but Donnie. They are my “sisters’. Although we are not blood related, it goes so much deeper than that. I know that they are always here to pick me up when I fall and cheer me on when I make steps going forward. I don’t know what I would do without them. I would have never made it as far as I have if they weren’t by my side.

With their help and all the other people who love me, I will get there. It hasn’t been an easy journey, nor do I expect it to be an easy journey. I can only hope that I come out of this on the other side, stronger than I have ever been and a better person for the wear.
I keep hoping it will happen and knowing that I will get there. Maybe not tomorrow, maybe not next week or next month or even next year, but I’ll get there. I just need to keep on trying.

finding me

2009-08-25T14:55:00.001-07:00

Finding “ Me”

There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t miss Donnie. There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t think about him and talk to him. My heart still aches for him. It’s been almost 5 months without him. It seems like forever. There are some days I still wonder what I am supposed to do without him. There are days that I am a complete mess. BUT, all that being said, there are some days that I find myself smiling again. A true smile. Not just a smile that is masking the pain.

For the first time in a very long time, I am having moments that I feel like “me” again. I wish I could say that I felt like “me” all the time. But, I know it is still going to take time. I am taking those baby steps towards finding myself again and learning to live without Donnie. It is hard finding my place in the world without him.

I am so blessed to have been loved by Donnie. For however a short of time that God gave us, I cherish every moment that we had together. It isn’t easy, but I know that I have to learn to move on in my life. I have to accept the reality of everything that has happened and face my future without him.

For almost the last 2 years my life has been all about taking care of what Donnie needed. And rightfully so. I wouldn’t change a thing that I did. But, now I have to figure out how to take care of “me” again. I have to put some of that effort into going on with my life and trying to be happy. I know it is what he wanted and it’s what I want too. I DO want to be happy again.

I don’t think I can ever “get over” losing Donnie. I just have to find a way to deal with the pain. Sometimes it’s one day at a time, sometimes its one hour or minute at a time. But its all I can do. I would give ANYTHING to have him back but I know that can never be.

So, all I can do is keep seeking the courage to try to move forward with my life. That doesn’t mean that I am forgetting him. It doesn’t mean that I don’t love him. It means I am deciding that I still matter. (regardless of how other people perceive that). It means that I still deserve happiness, even though he isn’t here to share it with me.

It’s not easy and I’m sure it won’t get easier anytime soon. But, I have my flashlight and all I can do is keep on walking and searching for “me”. Hopefully that light will shine brighter soon….… It will take time but I’ll get there.

2009-08-18T16:23:00.001-07:00

Yesterday was Justin’s 19th birthday. I don’t know where the time has gone. He was just my little boy and now before me is this man. This man that I am proud to call my son. He has exceeded every expectation I have ever had for him. And my expectations have been high. He amazes me every day and as good as it is to see him becoming this man, it also breaks my heart to be losing my little boy. That cotton topped little boy who would just shout out from the back seat of the car “ You know what momma? I love you” That little boy who could never stand to see anyone else upset. That little boy that had biggest blue eyes who always looked for the good and had a crooked little smile.

I have no doubt of the man that Justin has become and will continue to grow into. He had an amazing man for a role model. Donnie showed him by example how to be a man. A good man. Donnie was so proud of him and so proud to call him his son. I think the feeling was mutual between them. There was so much love and respect for each other there. And when it is Justin’s turn to be a dad, I know he will aspire to be the Dad that Donnie was to him.

As we sang happy birthday to Justin , there was a pang in my heart. I think that there was one in Justin’s heart too. I found myself looking around for Donnie. Things just don’t feel right without him here. And although I know that he wasn’t standing next to me, I know he was there with us, smiling and that he was as proud of Justin as he ever was and as he always will be.
Happy Birthday Justin. I love you!

2009-08-08T08:08:00.000-07:00

This is a 2 part post. The first part was written at a very low point last week and I didn’t want to post it until I found something more encouraging in me to go with it.

battling the beast

There are days and times that I think that I will get thru this and somehow be a stronger person but then there are days that I have been having a lot of lately when I am struggling to beat back the beast that is depression.

I have felt so defeated and have felt that way for a couple of weeks off and on. I am struggling with everything. It’s been a terribly rough week and everything that could go wrong seems to have gone wrong. And it has made me feel discouraged and defeated. I was doing ok one day and then the next day it all seemed to come crashing down around me again. So I was struggling, but still ok. Somedays I just can’t shake it. It has gotten the better of me. I want to run home and crawl back into my bed and pull the covers over my head and shut out the world.

Maybe I was crazy to think I was strong enough to get thru this. I guess I was wrong. Score 1 for the beast.

Part 2.

Before I am inundated with phone calls about this telling me that I need to get out of bed and I need to do things and not feel this way. Trust me, I am trying. I really am. I don’t want to feel this way. And as hard as it is, I am still fighting every day. I am just having a harder fight lately. BUT I AM TRYING

The only way I can describe it is that I am in a fist fight and I am getting my ass kicked and I have been for quite a while. And each time I get knocked down I get back up and keep fighting. Well I feel like I am on the ground being kicked and I don’t know how to get up again to continue getting my ass kicked. It’s like I want to throw my hands up and say “OKAY, ENOUGH ALREADY”! BUT, I’m not. I am just tired. This isn’t an easy fight. But still I am searching for the strength to get back up and keep going.

How do you put up your fists and fight a monster that you can’t even see?

The one thing that helps me get back up the most is Donnie. The way he fought inspired me and his fight was so much worse than the one I am fighting now. And I know what he would have given to be able to continue that fight, so I will continue to get up and try again every day. Maybe one day, it won’t be so hard.

Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the little voice at the end of the day that says I'll try again tomorrow

answers

2009-07-31T05:23:00.001-07:00

Searching for answers

I know that some people believe that you will “find” your own answers when you are looking for them. Be that as it may, I believe in the answers that I have been given.

You may all think I am crazy but I will write it anyway. When I go to the cemetery to see Donnie, I sit and talk to him as I always have. I have asked him several things and I seem to get answers from the strangest places. When I went to see him last Saturday, I was telling him about Justin and his accident and how he was ok and lucky to not be hurt. Then I asked him "was that you? Were you watching over him?"

Well I got an email from one of Donnie's friends in Austin Texas on Tuesday. He told me that he had a dream the night before and in that dream Donnie told him that he was with Justin and Sara and that is why they were ok and "when you smile, I smile"

He said he had no idea what it was about. He said he was confused until he read my blog Tuesday morning that I posted about Justin's wreck and about how I feel guilty for smiling without Donnie.

I truly think Donnie was answering me. I’ll be honest, I cried. Quite a bit.

Funny thing is Lee provided the answer for me once before as well. I don't ask Donnie much but each time I have asked, I feel like I have received an answer. I had forgotten that I had even asked him about Justin until I got Lee's email that morning.

I am thankful that he sent the answer that I was needing. It comforts me to know he is still with us and watching over us. He is still in my heart and my mind every day. But oh how I wish I could wrap my arms around him just one more time and hear him say he loves me. I miss him so much.

2009-07-27T16:25:00.001-07:00

Wow, it’s been 15 weeks, that’s almost 4 months! I don’t think there will ever be a Thursday that I don’t think of that day he left me. There are some days that I still can’t believe that he is gone. But at the same time, it feels like a year since I have seen him. I still miss him every single day.

I think the hardest thing about acceptance for me is letting go of what my life was supposed to be. We had plans and knew where we were supposed to be down the road. We were supposed to be together , growing old, traveling and spoiling the grandkids. All of that has changed. So not only do I have to let go of the life that Donnie and I were living together day to day but I have to let go of our future plans. That is easier said than done. It’s hard to close the book on that chapter of my life and realize that it’s going to be different than I had planned it to be. It was comforting knowing what my future was supposed to be. I struggle now with fear of the unknown.

Donnie was my “go to”. When anything was wrong or anything stressed me out or upset me. He was immediately where I ran to for comfort. That is what is so hard right now, I don’t have him to comfort me and tell me everything is going to be alright. On Thursday afternoon my phone rang while I was eating dinner, I didn’t recognize the number but answered it and it was Justin. He said or should I say screeched “Momma, somebody just hit me head on”. As a mother, when I heard “Momma” I knew it was bad. By the time he finished his sentence, I had keys in hand and was running out the back door asking “where are you?” In an instant, my world was shaken. BIG TIME. Although I had heard Justin’s voice and I knew he was well enough to call me, it struck fear in my heart. I was a wreck. I just couldn’t get to him quickly enough. And the whole way there all that I could think was “ I need Donnie”. Justin is our son and I need him here with me to calm me and let me know that everything is going to be ok. By the grace of God, Justin and Sara were banged up but got out and were able to walk away from that accident. But, what kept racing thru my mind was “Oh my God, if something would have happened to Justin, I wouldn’t have been able to handle it”.
I have always been the type of person who tries to look for the good things and live life to it’s fullest every day because I know how precious this gift of life is. You go thru life knowing that bad things happen and that they can happen to you. BUT, that being said, when it DOES happen to you, it changes you. I almost live in fear. Waiting for that other shoe to drop. I hate it. Someone yanked the rug out from under me and turned my world upside down and I keep thinking that something else will happen. Fear is a evil powerful thing. I know that I will have to find the strength within to find the courage to face those fears and get my life back in order. I don’t want to live in fear of anything. My life is too precious and too short for that. Only problem is, I don’t know how.

Everyone keeps telling me how strong I am and how they don’t know how I do it. I don’t feel that strong. I feel scared, lost and alone most of the time and to be honest , sometimes I just do what I have to do at that moment to get thru to the next. I am learning how to deal with things the best that I can. I’m still searching for my new normal. Some days are just going thru the motions but there are days that I am smiling. Sometimes it is a smile on the outside and pain still in my heart and sometimes it is a true smile all the way thru. But then I feel guilty. Guilty for smiling without him here. I think to myself, How can you be happy about anything when Donnie isn’t here with you?
Then I try to remind myself that it was he wanted for me. He wants me to smile again and he wants me to be happy. So all I can do is keep pushing forward and keep on trying.

One day……….

2009-07-21T19:06:00.000-07:00

Last week was hard on me. The golf tournament was bittersweet. I felt so loved by so many people and at the same time felt the emptiness and the void of him not being there. It really set me back. I feel I have been taking those steps and moving forward and then that just sent me back to the point that I didn’t want to get out of bed again. It was a big time struggle for me. I won’t lie, I wanted to give up. I wanted to stop trying and just crawl in my bed and pull the covers over my head and shut out the world. I am struggling with acceptance. I wonder if there will ever be a time when my life seems not so out of control.

That being said, it was a struggle and I didn’t do a whole lot and got back in the bed briefly last week. BUT, I got out again and am trying hard to keep on going and keep moving forward. I refuse to give up.

It is better this week. Not where I was or where I want to be, but better. I am out of bed and making that effort again. I am looking for my smile and working on being happy again. I am still trying.

Writing helps me. I have been told how much my writing moves other people and how it helps them. But I write for me. It is a release for the emotions that are consuming me at that time.

Another widow told me that I should write a letter to Donnie and then immediately answer it. (Write a letter to me from Donnie) because no one knew him better than me and I know exactly what he would say to me. She said to “just listen, you will find his words”. As I was struggling so much last week, I wrote the following. I wasn’t sure if I wanted to share it but I have shared everything else at this point so I won’t stop now.

Dear Donnie,

How am I supposed to admit to myself that you are truly gone? How I am supposed to accept what has happened? I feel if I do, I am leaving you behind. I’m not ready to do that. But holding on so tightly hurts me so badly My fear is that letting go will hurt even more.

I know that you would be disappointed that I am struggling so much but I am trying every day. I really am. I feel that I am taking those steps to move on. I’m taking small steps, one at a time, but looking back over my shoulder the whole way for you. And when I feel I am getting too far away, I go running back. Back to you and your memory.

You came into my life and changed it so much. You changed me. For the first time in my life, I felt truly accepted and loved for who I was. I never knew I was worthy of that kind of love. You showed me what home was and that it wasn’t necessarily a place but who you were with. You became my home. You taught the children by example how a real man conducts himself. And you showed them what true love was by the way that you loved me. I can’t imagine what my life would have been like without you in it.

How in the world am I supposed to let go and move on? I don’t think I can do this without you.

I don’t know how.

I love you
Always and forever
Robin

Dear Robin,
I knew that this would be hard for you. I tried as best as I could to prepare you and give you the push you would need to move on with you life.

I don’t want you to be sad. I don’t want you to hold onto me. And I don’t want my memory to become your prison and what keeps you from moving on.

You made me so happy and I always knew how much you loved me. I know that no one in this world would have loved me more. You were my life!
But you have so much life left ahead of you and I am a chapter in yours.
You don’t have to leave me behind, take part of me with you in your heart. But you have to let go and move on with your life. You can’t stay where you are. I want you to be happy again.

I know that you are scared , but you can do this on your own. I believe in you. I always have. You just have to believe in yourself the way that I do.

I know it won’t be easy for you. It hurts and it will be hard. But you will be ok. I know you will. I believe in you and will always be with you.

I love you
Always and forever
Donnie

FEAR is just a four letter word.

2009-07-17T05:27:00.001-07:00

the following was written by my oldest daughter Shantel 2 days after Donnie passed away. She read it at his funeral. I thought she did a great job and wanted to share it.

I Love You Daddy

Every girl dreams of a night in shining armor to come and rescue her. Daddy was my night in shining armor. He accepted me and my brother and sister as his own children, not his stepchildren. He was everything a father should be and more.

He and my mother are a match made in heaven. I could not have asked God to send a better person to be a part of our family. He is a wonderful father, provider, husband, poppy, and friend.

He is my hero. He endured such harsh treatment and intense pain. He never complained. He got up and went to work and did what he had to do for his family. He always had a smile on his face and treasured every moment with his friends and family as if it were his last.

I hope that I can be just like my daddy. He has so much love in his heart and such a wonderful energy about him that you can’t help but to fall in love with him and the person he is.

I am so very blessed that he became a part of our lives and showed us how amazing he is. He showed me what bravery and courage truly are. He was always there for me and I could depend on him no matter what. That’s what daddys are for, to be there no matter what.

I wasn’t ready to say goodbye but it was time. I will never forget him and I will never forget the person I want to be because he has shown me what it’s like to be a true hero.

My Night in Shining Armor. My Daddy.

By Shantel Diez

2009-07-14T14:37:00.000-07:00

Faith is the strength by which a shattered world shall emerge into the light.

Stages

I’ve been told there are 5 stages of grief. Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance. I think I can go from one of these to the next in a matter of moments.

Seems to me recently I have been spending some time in the anger stage. Part of me is ashamed to admit it, but I have been very honest in my writing so I won’t stop now. There have been moments, although very few and very brief, when I have found myself angry with Donnie for leaving me. As soon as the thought crosses my mind, I am ashamed of myself for that thought. He didn’t leave me by choice. And I think it is just horrible of me for that thought to even enter my mind!! I think it is my frustration of not understanding why that makes me angry.

Bargaining? I do that all the time. I would give anything to have him back.
Denial?- yeah sometimes I don’t want to believe he is gone.
Depression?- that’s a no brainer, depression has definitely had its hold on me. Acceptance?- not at all. I haven’t accepted that he is gone. I can’t explain why. I know he’s gone. I know he’s not coming back. But I haven’t completely accepted that fact. It’s a hard thing to explain without experiencing it. I almost fell that there should be another stage in there. FEAR- fear of the unknown, the what now?, the “how do I do this alone?”. Right now I fear acceptance. I am afraid that acceptance will be devastating to my heart. It may sound crazy but I am afraid acceptance will be like losing him all over again. I know to most people this won’t make sense but to those of you who have experienced profound grief , it may make perfect sense.

My weekend was good. I went fishing with friends. Well I don’t know if you can technically call it fishing if you don’t catch any fish but I went and threw the bait in the water. I had smiles and laughs and had a good time and it was really good for me to step out of my every day reality and allow myself to enjoy life for a couple of days. You just can’t realize how monumental that is for me

Yesterday was the Team Donnie Memorial golf tournament. I think it was a huge success. I am always touched by the people of this parish that will come out to support each other. I was truly touched. It was an emotionally heart wrenching day for me though. It was bittersweet for the most part. Great to see all of Donnie’s friends and awesome to see the support that I have from so many people but sad because Donnie wasn’t there. I did ok most of the day until the golfers came in. As I sat and looked around, I saw all of these guys eating and laughing and as I looked at all of his friends, I could picture him there with them. In his sun visor with his hands on his hips , laughing at and cutting up with the guys. I knew that I would never see him that way again. I think I felt my heart fracture again in that moment. It hurt. From that moment on, it was a struggle to keep myself composed. I made it a couple more hours before having to leave. And of course, I went to see Donnie. It’s been a couple of weeks since I broke down like that. I fell apart. I guess it’s good that I don’t have breakdowns every day anymore. Sometimes I think it is good for me to get it out. I was exhausted by the time I got home. Physically and mentally. It seems every time I think that I am standing and taking those steps, I fall again. I fell hard yesterday. But the important thing is that I got up again today and am trying again. I am confused and most of the time I don’t know what to do next or how I will get thru another day. BUT each time I get up and keep on trying. It’s all any of us can do.

I don’t know that I can say that I will ever get over losing Donnie. But I can say that even though it is the hardest thing I have ever done, I keep digging deep and finding the strength to keep on trying. Trying to move on and find my new normal. Thanks to the people that love me and keep me going from day to day. I don’t know what I would do without them. I still feel like I am “flashlight walking” and can only see just a few steps in front of me. BUT I can see the lights of my friends and family up ahead calling out to me and ready to help shine their lights for me to find my way.

I’ll get there……………………………..

2009-07-08T05:31:00.001-07:00

We had Caley’s birthday party on Sunday. I can’t believe that she is 2 already. She has grown so much so fast. It was such a joy to watch her enjoy her day opening her presents and eating her cake. She made me smile so much. But at the same time, my heart was breaking. I know how much fun Donnie would have had with her. I know how much he would have enjoyed watching her and helping her open her presents. But I know in my heart that he was there. He was watching over her. The bond that they shared was pretty remarkable. It’s been 11 weeks since Donnie passed and he was in the hospital for a month before that. She still lights up when she sees his picture. I love that she remembers him but at the same time I worry about the time when she doesn’t remember him and how much that will hurt.

I still find myself thinking “ I have to tell Donnie” over so many things in my life. The things that make me smile , the things that make me cry or make me mad, things that make me laugh out loud. I shared everything with him. It’s so hard without him. Sometimes I still can’t believe he isn’t here with me. The hardest thing is that he is always the one who could make everything better for me. He could comfort me like no other.

I will be honest, I still cry everyday. Some days more than others. Part of me is still angry. Donnie deserved so much more life than he had. He lived what life he had to the fullest and had no regrets but he still deserved more. I know that everything happens for a reason and that God has a plan. I have heard it all before and in my heart, I know that it is true. I don’t understand it though. God himself could come to me and tell me what the reason was and it still wouldn’t be good enough for me. I want him here with me. I don’t know that you could convince me that there is a good reason for him to not be here with us.

I put on a good front most days. It’s hard to know what to do. I am always wondering if this is how I am supposed to feel or supposed to act. I know that I need to quit worrying about what I am supposed to do and do what feels right and works for me. I am working hard on smiling again.

I keep pushing forward a little at a time. I still trip and fall, seems like daily, but I get up and keep on going. It’s what he wanted. It’s what I want. I just wish it wasn’t so hard. I pray every day for the strength to travel this rock strewn road before me.

Maybe one day…..

a better day

2009-07-02T17:31:00.001-07:00

A better day

Today is a better day. I have been fighting this monster called grief all week. Sometimes it gets the better of me. It’s taken me a few days to get a handle back on things but I am working on it.

Donnie’s last weeks at home have haunted me in recent days. I have done a good job so far of NOT thinking of those days, but I came across something in my bedroom the other day that reminded me of something that happened in that last week that opened that door and let those memories flood my mind. I have been struggling to close that door all week. That is not how I want to remember Donnie. I want to remember him the way he was when I fell in love with him. Young, silly, full of life, smiling, laughing and my knight in shining armor. He came into my life and swept me off of my feet. I had never felt so loved or worthy of such love.

I rejoined a pool league with one of mine and Donnie’s friends. To be honest, I hesitated before doing it. I wasn’t sure about it. Pool was what Donnie and I did together. It was how we met. I didn’t know how I would be able to handle it. Last night was my first time to go back. I was nervous about how it would make me feel. It was bittersweet. It was fun but it made me miss him. But at the same time, it brought back happier memories of Donnie. Happy times and carefree days that I miss so much. And although it made me a sad because he wasn’t with me, it filled my mind with better memories and hopefully is replacing some of the memories of his last week that have been crowding my mind. I smiled last night as I remembered him and how we met. We met so many of our closest friends playing pool. And even though we eventually quit playing as often, those friends have remained our friends and extended family.

Caley will be 2 next week. That makes me think of Donnie a lot as well. She is growing so much and I know how much fun that they would be having together. She still carries around his picture and kissed him goodnight. She was sitting in my lap on the porch swing yesterday and I called his voicemail and put it on speaker. Her face lit up when she heard his voice as she squealed “Poppy” she then took the phone held it to her mouth and said “I love you Poppy” Breaks my heart. She still misses him and remembers him so much. But at the same time, I know that she won’t always remember so I am glad that she remembers him now.

So anyway, today was a better day. That’s all I can hope for. One day at a time. I still miss him so much every single day. I don’t think there will ever be a time that I don’t miss him. But I try to hang on to our happy times and hopefully that will help me get thru. So tomorrow I will get up and try again.

Last night I cried

2009-06-30T08:15:00.001-07:00

Last night I cried

Dear Donnie
Last night I cried. I cried a lot. It was a rough day. Every little thing reminded me of you I miss you everyday but some days are worse than others. Some days it is just too much. I went to see you yesterday, I talked to you as I always do. Could you hear me? Sometimes the words flow so freely and other times I don’t know where to begin because I have so much to say to you.

The day didn’t start out too badly but it just seemed to unravel on me. There was nothing remarkable that started it off, it’s just doing it all without you. The small everyday things. I miss you. I need you. The grief came in waves and the tears flowed so freely. I just don’t know how I am supposed to get thru this without you. Yet here I am this morning, still moving, still trying.

It’s been 75 days since you were here with me. Some days it feels like a lifetime and some days I still can’t believe that you are gone. Although I try not to think about that last day or even those last weeks, it has played like a movie in my head a thousand times, when I least expect it and I don’t know if it will ever stop. In the days leading up to it, you knew it was going to happen and you were worried about me and if I would be ok. On that last day as I lay in the bed next to you holding your hand, I believe with all of my heart that you heard every word that I spoke to you. I know that you knew how much I would miss you and how much I loved you and that I always would. I told you that we would be ok but I don’t know that I believe that. How can I ever be ok without you? There were so many times that you told me that I would be. I wish I had the confidence and faith in myself that you did.

There were so many more things for us to do, our future plans and dreams. Even though we knew our time was limited, I wasn’t ready for you to go, but I would never be ready. Still wanting one more hug, one more kiss, to hear your laugh just one more time. For 18 months we stared this monster in the face with you valiantly fighting the whole time. But we both knew it was a battle that you could not win. Oh how much I love you for fighting so hard for me. But I expected nothing less because you always did everything with me in mind. There was no doubt about how much you loved me.

I know that you are here, still with me, watching over me. The smallest things remind me of you. I want to call you at least a dozen times a day to tell you something. People say that they don’t know how I am functioning day to day. Sometimes I don’t know. But I pushed you to live for so long and now I feel like you are pushing me to live now so I keep trying. I know it is what you want me to do and I don’t want to disappoint you.

I still love you and that will never change. I will love you everyday of my life. Thank you for being everything that I ever needed.

I love you
Always and forever
Robin

2009-06-29T11:17:00.001-07:00

I want nothing more than to hear his voice or see him walk thru the door at the end of the day. I want someone to wake me and tell me that this isn’t real , that this didn’t happen. There are so many questions that will never be answered. The what if’s and the what now and why him.

I get up every day and I try. I find reason to get out of bed. I try to find a reason to smile. I make myself do things that I know I will enjoy. It’s what I need to do. It is what I WANT to do. Its what HE wanted me to do. I just wish it didn’t hurt so much..

How do I keep moving forward without him? Honestly, if he had not pushed me so hard to try to move on with my life, I would still be in bed with the covers over my head. But I figure, I pushed him for 18 months and he fought so hard for me that the least I can do is try to do what he wanted me to do. I only wish I had his courage. It just feels wrong without him

A very big part of me died when Donnie died and what’s left of me is trying to figure out how to live again. I know that each step that I take without him will be painful for quite a while. But what I am hoping is that each obstacle that I overcome and each time I get up after I fall, I get a little bit stronger and the next time it won’t be so hard. Thankfully I am surrounded by people who love me, who help me up when I fall. I don’t know what I would do without them.

I’m still searching for my “one day” Each day, I continue to try, I get out of bed, I smile, I laugh, I cry and I miss him so very much. I’m still lost but hopefully “one day” I will be able to look inside myself and find “me” again.

Still searching

2009-06-18T07:43:00.001-07:00

I am still searching. Searching for a place in my heart that doesn’t hurt. Seeking the courage to get up every day and keep trying without him. Looking for some sort of normal and feeling my heart break every day because it needs him here with me.

How is wish that I would wake up and this would have all been just a nightmare. But as the dawn of each new day arrives, along with it comes the awful truth and the pain that it brings with it.

Words can’t describe the emptiness that I feel and how deafening the silence is. The fear of spending the rest of my life without him is now my reality. Cancer has robbed us of our happily ever after. I cling desperately to my faith,praying that I will find the strength to somehow move on and live the life that he wants me to live. I just wish it didn’t hurt so much.

It’s been said that time heals all wounds. But honestly I don’t believe that. I don’t think that time heals our wounds, but my hope is that one day I will learn to live with this pain and the cross I have been given to bear. One day at a time, one hour and sometimes even one minute at a time. Taking small steps and continuing to put one foot in front of the other and each time I stumble and fall,seeking the courage and the strength to pull myself back up and accept the path that is before me. Leaving behind a part of myself and still bringing him with me .Letting go of the life that I had planned. Drying my eyes yet again ,facing my fears and hoping that I am stronger than I think I am. Finding the confidence in myself that Donnie had in me. Realizing that giving up isn’t the same as letting go. Holding on to those precious memories and cherishing each moment of the gift of love that I was given. Hoping that one day the light will shine brighter and I will be able to see more than just the next step and praying that Donnie will be with me all the while, helping me to find my way.

I miss him

2009-06-07T19:11:00.000-07:00

I miss the sound of his voice
And the touch of his hand

I miss his laugh and how
His eyes lit up when he smiled

I miss the way he wrapped his
Arms around me and made the world go away

I miss the way he would get so exasperated with me
But then just sigh and smile . he could never be mad at me.

I miss the way he supported me
Even when he didn’t agree with what I was doing

I miss the way he let me hog the bed and
I even miss him snoring next to me.

I miss our shared dreams and the promise
Of growing old together.

I miss our silly disagreements and his crazy
Sense of humor.

I miss his love of life and his courage in the
Face of adversity.

I miss the way that he never met a stranger
And everyone loved him so

I miss how his strong sense of character and
How he made me a better person.

I miss his selflessness and his giving spirit.

I miss his ability to make the best of any situation.

I miss the way that he loved his family and put us
First, even before himself.

I miss the way that he loved me like I was the center of his world.
I miss him…….

searching for me

2009-06-01T19:10:00.000-07:00

I’ve been told so many times throughout my life that everything happens for a reason. And a big part of me believes that. I just don’t know that I can ever understand the reason that I have been given this cross to bear.

I am searching for answers, searching for my one day, searching for my new normal. But the last 2 years have been such turmoil I wonder if that can ever happen.

I feel like each time I take a step, I fall. But I get back up. Hopefully each time I get back up it will make me stronger and maybe one day I will be strong enough to bear this cross I have been given

It’s been 7 weeks since I’ve seen Donnie. It feels like an eternity. Time ticks by so slowly when you are in pain. Minutes can seem like hours. Not a day goes by that I haven’t missed him terribly. Not a day has gone by that I haven’t called his phone to listen to his voicemail because I miss the sound of his voice. Some days I call many times.

I am confused as to how I am supposed to move on with my life without him. He was my best friend. We shared everything. So many times each day I want to call him to tell him about what is going on in my day. I wonder how and when I will ever feel like “me” again without him.

I know what he wanted me to do. He told me. Many times in fact. He wanted me to be able to move on with my life and not get caught up in my grief. He wanted me to be happy again and go on with my life. I know that is what he wanted me to do but it is easier said than done. I think he would understand how much I miss him.

But each day I get up and I try again. I try to find that new normal. It’s painful, each step I take without him is so hard. It would be so much easier to crawl in the bed and shut out the world. But it wasn’t what he wanted me to do. And honestly it’s not what I want to do either. So I take each day as it comes and I keep flashlight walking and hopefully it will get atleast a little bit easier everyday and maybe one day I will be able to see further than just a few steps ahead.

So even though it isn’t easy, I get out of bed each day and search for “me” and that new normal and I hope that it will come. Still looking for that “one day”. But until that day comes, the one thing that brings me comfort is that one day I know that I will see him again. And what a great day that will be.

one day

2009-05-26T21:59:00.001-07:00

One day

One day, I want to get thru a full day without crying.

One day, I want to smile without feeling guilty
One day, I want getting out of bed to not be such a struggle.

One day, I want normal everyday things to not seem like monumental tasks.

One day I want to be able to smile when I remember Donnie and not cry.

One day I want to not feel so alone.

One day I want to feel like I am not being judged

One day, I want to find a new normal.

One day, I want to not be so overwhelmed by life

One day, I want to be able to sleep again.

One day, I want to feel that it is ok to start living again.

One day, I want to enjoy life again.

One day, I want to learn how to live with this hurt.

One day, I don’t want to have to pretend that I am ok.

One day, I want to be happy again.

One day I want peace and quiet to not be such a lonely place

Maybe, One Day…………………..

2009-05-17T23:59:00.000-07:00

Nighttime is the worst. It is so hard for me to sleep without him here next to me.

People always ask "how are you?" if I said that I was good, I would be lying. So I give the standard "I'm ok" response even though it isn't the truth.Or I will say, "I miss him" and their response is "but he isn't suffering anymore" I know that they mean well but honestly, I don't miss him suffering. I miss the 13 plus years of our life before that. I miss him snoring next to me. I miss him holding my hand. I miss his 10 daily phone calls to me that always ended in I love you. I miss watching him play on the floor with Caley. I miss the way his eyes lit up when he laughed. I miss the way he could wrap his arms around me and tell me that everything was going to be ok and he could make the whole world go away. I miss my best friend, my partner, my soul mate and the love of my life!! I miss him. I miss so many things.

the silence without him here is deafening. it is almost unbearable. I am lost and don't know what to do without him.I get up each day and I get dressed and put on a good front most of the time but every step is a struggle without him.

I thought that I wouldn't make Justins graduation Thursday because I couldn't stop sobbing. I was so proud of Justin but at the same time was so broken hearted because Donnie wasn't here to share it with us. he wasn't able to sit next to me and applaud Justin's accomplishments. He was always so proud of him. I managed to make it thru graduation without sobbing but then sobbed all the way home. Justin's graduation party was Saturday. I think he had a good time. We smiled and we laughed and i came home and cried for almost 2 hours because it felt so wrong for Donnie not to be there.

I know that Donnie wouldn't want me to be so sad but at the same time, I know that he would understand. He was such a part of my soul. He was such a part of me and my world and there is a huge void there. Part of me is missing.

Today, I had an "aha" moment of exactly how alone I am without him. Everyone will tell me that I am not alone in this, but I am. I was Donnie's "number1" and he was mine. I'm not first on anyones list anymore. It doesnt mean that others don't love me, they just don't love me the way that Donnie did.

Donnie told me one of the reasons that he fell in love with me is because I was so independent. He said that when he met me that I didn't need him. I was just fine with taking care of myself. He said he admired my determination and will to take care of myself and the kids. He came into my heart and he changed that. He made me need him like I could never have imagined. I don't need him to take care of me. I need his love, without it I don't feel like me. He was my knight in shining armor and we were supposed to have our happily ever after but that isn't the way our fairy tale ended.I miss him so much.

2009-05-17T23:57:00.000-07:00

I have been unable to write since Donnie passed. I will say that I am lost without him. I am unsure of what I am supposed to do without him. I miss him so much. There is a void in my heart and my life that no one can fill and it hurts so badly I could never describe the pain. I am getting up and going to work some now atleast. I don't sleep or eat too much but I try. I do make the effort. Everything I do seems to take a massive amount of effort. It is hard stepping back into the world without him. It is just wrong. It isn't supposed to be this way. This wasn't supposed to happen to us. I just miss everything about him. The kids seem to be getting back into a normal routine. I haven't been able to just yet. I take each day as it comes. The only way I can describe the way I am living right now is "flashlight walking" I can only see a few steps ahead of where I am at. I can't look any further, it is too overwhelming. So one step at a time. My mind knows that it will get easier in time, my heart doesn't believe it.Hopefully my will to write will come back as it was therapuetic for me during Donnie's illness. Love to all

2009-04-23T15:43:00.001-07:00

It has been one week today. I still have no idea how i am supposed to go on without him.

I am posting the lyrics to a song my Mercy Me that describe exactly how I feel today. If you have never heard it, it is my profile song on my myspace page.
www.myspace.com/robinlbr

Homesick
You're in a better place, I've heard a thousand times
And at least a thousand times I've rejoiced for you
But the reason why I'm broken, the reason why I cry
Is how long must I wait to be with you

I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
I've never been more homesick than now

Help me Lord cause I don't understand your ways
The reason why I wonder if I'll ever know
But, even if you showed me, the hurt would be the same
Cause I'm still here so far away from home

I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
I've never been more homesick than now

In Christ, there are no goodbye
And in Christ, there is no end
So I'll hold onto Jesus with all that I have
To see you again
To see you again

And I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
Won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
Won't you give me strength to make it through somehow

I've never been more homesick than now

2009-04-20T21:14:00.000-07:00

Today was the 2nd worst day of my life. The worst was the day Donnie left me. How do I say goodbye to my soulmate? I am so lost without him. I don't know what to do with myself. The last few days are very much a blur. How am I supposed to continue on without him? My heart hurts so badly.I was truly touched by the number of people who came to pay their respects to Donnie. So many came from far away to pay their last respects to him. He touched so many lives. So many people loved him. Everyone has a Donnie story. There were so many wonderful things said about him. I was so proud to be his wife. I always have been. Now I sit and try to figure out who I am without him. I don't even know if I know how to be me without him. He was such a part of me and still is and always will be.Thank you to everyone for your support and wishes and prayers. They mean so much to me. I am at a loss for words, that is so unlike me so I will end this with my usual.
Love to all
Keep praying
Robin

2009-04-18T14:13:00.000-07:00

Donnie's arrangement..s have been updated as follows..
.Wake: Sunday, April 19th from 5-9
Visiting: Monday 10-12:30& Services at 12:30, at Ourso Funeral Home.
Burial will follow at Hope Haven Garden of Memories, on Hwy. 30 in Gonzales.

2009-04-17T17:39:00.000-07:00

Thank you to everyone for your love and support. It means so very much to me and our family and I know what it would mean alot to Donnie as well.
Donnie fought a long and courageous battle against this cancer and I can honestly say he never complained. He showed so many of us what true courage was. He lived every day of the last 18 months like he didn't have cancer. He didn't want people to treat him any differently and they didn't. He had cancer but it didn't have him. During his fight he became our hero and last night he became our angel. He knew it was time and he was ready to go and he was surrounded by the people who loved him the most. He is at peace now and though I miss him so very much right now and I will forever, I am glad that he isn't suffering anymore.
The last week was hard on him but he was a true fighter.I can't imagine my world without Donnie. He is truly my soulmate and I am so lost that I don't know what to do. I am broken . I never knew that I could feel such physical pain from losing someone. I feel that my heart was ripped from my chest and thought I would never be able to breathe again.. I don't know how I will ever get thru this. I keep asking Donnie to help me and give me strength as he always did. I am sure that he will help me find it.

With that being said, I consider myself very fortunate to have been loved by Donnie. Before him, I never knew that I was worthy of such love. I am so proud to be his wife. He is the most amazing man I have ever known and this world just won't be the same without him in it. Donnie never met a stranger and I can honestly say I have never known of one person who didn't like Donnie. He was just that kind of man that drew you into him with his charm. He is the best thing that ever happened to me and I was blessed to have him. I am thankful that we were able to say our goodbyes. Donnie was able to tell the kids everything he needed them to know. He and I shared all the things that we needed to said all the things that we wanted to say and I know that there are no words left unspoken between us. I will cherish that for the rest of my life.

One of the last things that he told me when he was coherent was how much he loved me "always and forever' and he wanted to make sure I never forgot that. He told me he would wait for me on the other side of the path.

Rest in Peace my love and wait for me on the other side of that path where we will share our always and forever.

2009-04-11T18:51:00.001-07:00

I have tried to write an update several times over the last week. I will start and then I just can't finish it. It has been a tough week. for Donnie and for me. I am physically and mentally exhausted.
Donnie is tired. He has had times that his pain has gotten away from him. He tends not to want to take something for fear it will knock him out and then he waits too long to tell me he is hurting. He usually gets up for atleast an hour every morning , sometimes more but after a few hours at the most, he is usually back in bed the rest of the day.
The medicine makes him quite confused at times. It is hard. Hard to see him so confused.
We do try to make the most out of the time that we have together and spend whatever waking time he has enjoying each others company as much as possible. Still during all of this, Donnie is worried about me. Shows you the kind of man that he is. He is worried about how me and the kids will be after he is gone and how hard it will be for us to lose him.
He has had a few visitors. Although there were several days this week, he refused any visitors. He was just in too much pain (Sorry Matt) He had several visitors today and over did it because he didn't want to miss out on anyone or anything. He is still making sure that he says the things that he wants to say to people.
I have been sick this last week which hasn't made things any easier. I am just exhausted. And I still find myself questioning WHY? I know that God has a plan. I just can't see it right now and am sometimes struggling.
Thank you to Donnie's NTS family for the flowers and plants and lottery tickets every couple of days. They sure help to lighten his spirits and the room.
I don't have much else to post today. This has been a post that has taken atleast 5 times to finish so I need to go ahead and post it.
I hope everyone has a Happy Easter.
Love to all
Keep praying
Robin

2009-04-04T19:59:00.000-07:00

Donnie finally came home yesterday around 1:00. We had to wait for insurance and hospice approval and everything to be straight. The most important thing was making sure he was able to come home with a pain pump to control his pain. So we spent one last night in the hospital. They finally got us cleared to go around 12:00. I woke Donnie and told him that we were cleared to go home. He stretched his arms out and said "thank God, I get to go home"
They gave him quite a bit of pain meds to last him until we got home and got him on the pain pump. My brother Todd and friend Lisa made sure that the room was ready for when the hospital bed was delivered. He was fitful on the way home but it was an uneventful ride.
We got home and pulled up to the front door and you could see the joy on his face to be home. he wanted immediately in his recliner, then the couch, he couldn't make up his mind. It took a moment to get him settled. They got his pain pump hooked up and he mostly slept off and on the rest of the day. He slept so soundly, I guess he just needed to be at home. He was a bit out of it from the pain meds and was up and down throughout the night. He gets quite confused from the medicine. Needless to say it was a sleepless night, for me at least. I seem to be the only one who he will let help him as I can decipher what he is trying to say when can't make out the right words.
It was a long and emotional day for all of us. It was good to see him so happy to be home but so bittersweet at the same time for we knew what it meant.
Yesterday and today were the garage sale/jambalaya sale that was put on by our family and friends as a fundraiser. All I can say is that is was a huge success and we are deeply touched and thankful to be blessed with so many people who love and support us. Our community has just been amazing.
Donnie was up early this morning and was determined to be alert as much as possible and enjoy the family around him. He got up and had coffee with us and I wish I would have been prepared with the video camera for when Caley saw him. He tried to hold her in the chair but wasn't strong enough too so he sat down on the floor with her. She just couldn't get her arms around his neck enough. I don't know who was happier. Him or her. It was a beautiful moment to witness. It tugged at all of our heart strings.
He stayed awake for about 3 hours and was pretty lucid. He had moments of confusion but overall it was very good. We all needed it. He took a nap for a few hours and got up again for an hour or so. He got up 2 or 3 times today for brief periods. He sat on the swing momentarily and napped in his recliner. It was a good day for him but he was extremely exhausted. I think he was just so happy to be home. His pain seems to be fairly well controlled.

Some special notes to some special people.
To the staff at the oncology unit at Baton Rouge General. I cannot express how touched I was by the way that you all cared for Donnie and for me. It is refreshing to see people that do their jobs for the reason that they care for their patients. I think they have some very special people there and we can never say thank you enough for the difference that they made. Dustin, Cinda, Jamie, Tim, Trudy, Leslie, Tosha, Kim, Kim, Beth, Barbara, Rachel, Bruce, Kory, Chelsia, Maya, Jose, Angela and I know that I am bound to be forgetting someone but THANK YOU.

To our friends and family - I don't know where we would be without all of your support. Shelia for being Donnie's hospice nurse, Lisa, Mom, Shantel, Justin, Courtney, David, Daddy, Cheryl,Paige, Melissa, Missy , Sharon , Joyce, Sis, Bama, Bones, Bill, Danny and anyone else I am forgetting to mention. Thank you for working so hard to make today such a success. I know that everything that you did took time away from your family and we very much appreciate it and love you all.

Thank you to everyone for respecting our space and time as a family. Again if you want to see Donnie, please call me to see if he is up to visitors first. Thank you so much for understanding how hard this is for all of us.

God Bless you all and keep praying that Donnie will have many good days to spend with his family!
Love to all
Robin

the toughest decision

2009-04-02T16:18:00.001-07:00

I write today's blog with a heavy heart. It has been a rough week. Donnie made the decision today to stop treatment and go home with hospice. He is tired and wants to spend whatever time that he has left at home with his family.
I cannot thank all of you enough for your love and support of Donnie and I thru this. I ask that you continue to pray for God to ease his pain and give him quality time with our children and our family. As much as everyone wants to see and talk to Donnie. We ask that you give us a little bit of space to deal with the days ahead. If you would like to see or speak to Donnie please call me first to see if he would be up to it.. He has asked for no visitors right now.
please keep praying for our children as they are having a difficult time with this. please pray for strenth for me to be everything that Donnie needs me to be in the days ahead. he has always been everything that I have ever needed. My heart is his and it always will be.

keep praying
love to all
Robin

2009-04-01T10:51:00.001-07:00

I think today is day 25 here. We thought Donnie would be in the hospital for a few days, a week at most. We never dreamed he would be here a month. He has had a rough few days. They finally seem to have his pain under better control but he is pretty heavily sedated most of the time. please continue to pray that this radiation will ease his pain so he can go home where he wants to be.
Love to all
Robin

2009-03-30T13:31:00.001-07:00

Donnie is having a rough day. He woke up around 2 this morning in pain. He was up until about4:30 before going back to sleep and then was nauseated once he woke back up. I noticed last Thursday his left foot was a bit swollen. Then yesterday I noticed that the right foot and calf had swollen as well. Things went from bad to worse over night. When he got up this morning, I noticed swelling higher in his legs but also his arms. The dr said his liver numbers went back up a bit. That could be why he has more pain. It could also be contributing to why he is swelling. I don't remember exactly how he explained it but something with the protien and liver function. Anyway, they took him off of the fluids that they were giving him and are going to give him a diuretic to help get rid of some of this fluid that he is retaining.They took him down for radiation about 2 and he ended up getting sick before they could even do anything. Bu..t, afterwards he said he felt better. So they were able to do the radiation. H..e is resting now and dreaming. he is talking in his sleep again.Hopefully this is just one of those bad days and things will look up tomorrow. He had such a good day yesterdy that I was hopeful that today would be good too. But all we can do is take one day at a time and hope that the next one is good.Thanks again for all of your support and prayers. It means so much to Donnie and me.Keep prayingLove to allRobin

2009-03-28T19:34:00.000-07:00

I'm sorry it has been so long since I posted a blog. It's been a difficult week. Donnie.. started radiation on Wednesday. I..t made him quite ill. He had radiation again Thursday and again on Friday. He didn't get sick those days. Seems that they got the naseau medicine combination.. right. He is quite tired though. He has been sleeping alot. During.. the day atleast. He likes to keep me up at night.
they increased his pain pump meds today. I was hoping that by this time, we would be decreasing them. I am afraid to mention the word home or speculate when we may be able to go. I don't want to get my hopes up. The important thing is Donnie is where he needs to be to control his pain.

I can say, I miss my kids. They come up and visit but it isn't the same as being
at home with them everyday. Thank goodness that they are self sufficient and have people looking after them. But they don't want me to come home without Donnie. They want me to stay with him.
Not much else going on here. They don't give him radiation on the weekends to give his body a break. As of right now, they have 14 total scheduled. He will have one each day Monday thru Friday. they did say that could change. We just have to take one day at a time. I hope that it starts shrinking the lymph nodes to ease his pain.Althou..gh he is sleeping alot, he is determined to make me experience hypothermia... I swear he keeps the room so cold that I could rent it out as a meat locker. Who needs an icebox? I am dressed for a blizzard and wrapped in blankets all day and night. But, if it makes him comfortable.., I will continue to deal with it. Sometimes, I just have to go out into the hall to thaw out. Maybe I should go buy a parka.
Not much else to report here, I will update more when we have news. Thank you to everyone for all.. of your love and support. it mean so much to us
love to all ..
Keep praying
Robin

2009-03-24T20:42:00.001-07:00

I thought that we would be able to go home today but Donnie's pain got really out of control last night. He decided about 3 a.m. that he wasn't ready to go home. The dr came in this am and said that he thinks that the lymph nodes growing in Donnie's abdomen are what are causing probably 90% of his pain at this point. If we go home, his pain is going to stay at the level it is or only get worse. Our only option is radiation. They are going to try to radiate those lymph nodes to try to shrink them and see if that will help alleviate his pain. Granted at this point, we know that there is no cure, I still pray for a miracle. He will have his first radiation treatment tomorrow afternoon. If it works he probably won't see any break in his pain until late next week. But then you get to deal with the side effects of radiation. Hopefully it will give him some relief. It has been a long day. I am off to bed soon.Love to all keep praying Robin

2009-03-22T16:30:00.001-07:00

2 weeks today. It seems like forever. I did go home for a couple of hours yesterday and I worried about him the whole time I was gone.
His night was really bad. Seems like so long before his pain was under control. I will be honest, it scared me. It hasn't been that hard before to get under control. I hope that tonight is better.
He had another test today. An upper GI series? He drank the barium and then they took xrays as it moved thru his intestines. It took almost all day, they kept coming back to get more xrays. I am assuming and hoping that we get the results back tomorrow. Things seem to be moving, they said the barium could actually help him. I am hoping that the test shows them what is the matter so we can get him fixed and home!!
I am really hoping that we go home tomorrow. I know I have said that since we have been here but I REALLY hope he gets to go home. He wants to go home so badly. I do too.

2009-03-17T09:01:00.001-07:00

Today is day 10 in the hospital. I feel like we have been here a month.
Donnie had a rough night last night. We had hoped to go home yesterday but I am glad that we didn't because he was in a lot of pain last night and I don't think that we would have been able to manage that pain on our own last night.
He got 2 more units of blood. I don't know if his red blood cell count is still going down or not. they took blood this morning so I guess we will know later.
His liver levels are still getting better (at least they were yesterday) but it seems all the medication is taking a toll on his intestines. I swear, we get one problem fixed and another comes up.
Hopefully they will get everything worked out for him soon. I hate to see him hurting.
keep praying
love to all
Robin

2009-03-15T13:21:00.001-07:00

Donnie had his procedure this morning. they are still unsure of where he might be oozing or leaking blood from. It could be from his actual tumor. they really weren't able to tell much. they are giving him more blood this evening and will recheck his levels tomorrow. not a wole lot else to report. It's been a long week. I will update when I know more.
Love to all
Keep praying
Robin

2009-03-14T10:23:00.001-07:00

I wish I could say that I was writing this from home but I can't say that I am. Donnie received 3 units of blood 2 days ago. He seemed to be doing better but I noticed that his abdomen was swollen last night. he slept the whole night but woke up this morning and was sick. he was throwing up blood. not alot but just the same. Dr Castine came in this morning and said that yesterday his blood cell count had gone up after receiving the blood. today it had gone down again. means that something is leaking or oozing blood in his stomach. He said it isn't bleeding out fast but still needs to be tended to today. we are waiting on the GI dr to come in. Dr Castine thinks that they will go down his throat with a scope again today to try to locate the source of the bleeding and see about stopping it. he will more than likely need more blood again tomorrow. we will be atleast a few more days here if everything goes as planned. we will have to take one day at a time. I will update when we know more.
love to all
Keep praying
Robin

2009-03-12T09:41:00.001-07:00

Donnie seemed to sleep a little better last night. They somewhat have his pain under control with pain meds. His liver levels are getting better. His color is a little better but his eyes are still pretty yellow. His iron counts are still dropping so they are going to give him some blood today. He may be able to go home tomorrow but the dr said we would have to take things one day at a time and see how things are tomorrow.
not much else to report
keep praying
love to all
Robin

2009-03-10T19:40:00.001-07:00

Donnie did good with his surgery/procedure today. It took 3 hours. I was beside myself waiting. I think I wore out a piece of carpet in the waiting area. I did good for the first hour and a half. After that, I was crazy with worry. They predicted that it could take an hour or more but they had problems with the scope equipment that sent them scrambling to get more equipment to get him finished. But anyway the dr was pleased with what he did and what he found. They put in a permanent stent in his bile duct. They believe that lymph nodes were pressing against the duct and had closed it off. His pancreas was irratated but still ok. He is in quite a bit of pain tonight but they think that will get better in the next 24 hours as long as his pancreas doesn't get inflamed. He will be in here atleast a couple more days. They want to make sure all of his numbers are going down like they should and that they have his pain under control before they send him home. Although he is still very jaundiced (his eyes are like nothing I have ever seen!!!) that should get better tomorrow and continue to keep getting better until he gets his color back.
The kids are holding their own at home. I am so proud of them. I feel terrible for not being home with them, seems like we are always gone, to Houston or now here but they understand that Donnie needs me to be here taking care of him and I think they might be mad at me if I left him alone to come home. I can honestly say we have a great support system. Family and friends are looking in on them and feeding them and whatever else they may need. (Thank you so much!!!)
Thats about all I have to report tonight. I will update as things progress. Thank you to everyone for your support, your love and your prayers. It means so very much to us.
love to all
Keep praying
Robin

a setback

2009-03-09T12:06:00.000-07:00

Well, looks like we had a minor setback. We left after work Friday to go see Donnie's Mom and brothers in Mississippi for the weekend. Saturday Donnie started getting jaundiced. I called the dr. they assured me as long as he wasn't running fever he could finish his visit and come in Sunday when he got home. They admitted him to the hospital last night and started fluids. He hasn't been eating or drinking anything because he has been in so much pain. His pain has really escalated over the last week and become unbearable. I was hoping maybe that they may be able to get his pain under control and help him get some sleep here. Not quite there yet. the pain is still an issue. so is sleeping. anyway, tests today show that he has a blockage in his bile duct. he also has pancreatitis. he is on a clear liquid diet and will have a stent put in tomorrow afternoon. Hopefully this will clear things up so his liver will function properly and also give him some relief. We haven't heard from the insurance about his trail yet but that is on the back burner until we get these issues resolved. We will probably be in the hopital a couple more days depepnding on if the procedure goes as planned. They did tell us other things could come up.
I will update when I know more.
Keep praying
love to all
Robin

2009-03-03T18:27:00.001-08:00

We are back from Houston already. It was another "slingshot" trip. We left after work yesterday and went to the new dr's this morning. We met with Donnie's new dr and discussed clinical trials and what we hoped that we could accomplish.

Donnie does qualify for a trial that they are doing there. It is a combination of 3 drugs that are already FDA approved. They just havent been tried together this way. It is a very expensive treatment and the insurance may deny it because of one of the drugs. Hopefully, they won't.

Once they get the insurance approved, we will go back, he will have blood tests done, an EKG and if that is all ok he will start the new treatments. He will have to have treatment every 4 days. I know, every 4 days. Wow, that is a lot of traveling. But we are willing to do whatever it takes to fight this disease.

We were told that they would have an answer about insurance within 3-5 days.

Say extra prayers that the insurance comes thru. I am off to bed now. I am exhausted!!!

Keep praying

love to all
Robin

and we are off again

2009-03-01T20:17:00.001-08:00

We will be leaving tomorrow after work to head back to MD Anderson to meet with the "phase 1" dr's on Tuesday morning. We don't have any idea what their plan will be but we may be there all week. They told us to be prepared to stay.It's been a tough week. Donnie is still not sleeping very well. Maybe a little better than he was but still not good. He is quite tired lately. He has some pretty serious back pain going on. Dr doesn't know if it is from the lymph nodes growing that are pressing on his spinal cord. He has dropped quite a bit of weight lately. About 25 pounds recently. He doesn't have an appetite at all and when he does eat, it is mostly because I am forcing him to or nagging him to. I hate to nag him but he has to eat. Losing weight is not a good thing at all.He has been having a really tough time lately. He pushes thru and still continues to do as much as he possibly can. But what he can do seems to be so much more limited than it was. He just doesn't seem to have the strength that he did. I know it is hard for him but he is fighting as hard as he can. It is breaking my heart to see him struggle so much lately. But that being said, we are living every day to the fullest of our abilities on that day. Some are better than others but we are doing all we can. Cancer has robbed us of so much but it will not rob me of making as many wonderful memories that we can. Hold tight to those that you love dear and treasure the time that you spend together. We live in such a fast paced world, it becomes easy to take tomorrow for granted. Anyone who is or has fought the cancer battle can understand that I am sure.
I will update from Houston as I can and as I know something. please put Donnie in your prayers!! We need these dr's to come up with something!!!!Keep prayinglove to all Robin

latest update

2009-02-24T19:12:00.000-08:00

We got home from Houston just a little while ago. Donnie had scans Monday and saw the dr today. It wasn't good . The only good news is that the clots in his lungs look like they may be breaking up. The bad news is that the chemo he has been taking isn't working. His lymph nodes are growing again. They didn't do chemo today since it isn't working. They are referring him to a different group of doctors there at MD Anderson. They call them the phase 1 doctors. They try all the experimental and clinical trials. They should call by the end of the week to make an appointment hopefully next week. I don't even know what else to say except
Keep praying
love to all
Robin

2009-02-20T19:16:00.000-08:00

I know it has been forever since I updated. Donnie has been pretty sick. This chemo is really taking a toll on him and it has been hard for me to bring myself to write. He still isn't sleeping. couple of hours here and there but never any longer. It is taking it's toll on him. He has been like this for weeks.
we leave Sunday for Houston and he has scans and tests on Monday and will see the Dr Tuesday afternoon. Please pray for good results and a solution to his sleeping problem.
keep praying
love to all
Robin

donnie update

2009-02-08T17:25:00.001-08:00

I just wanted to write an update. It has been a difficult week. Donnie hasn’t been feeling well at all. He ended up at after hours Friday night with a nasty ear infection. Between that and the fever and the chills, he is just worn out. He hasn’t been out of bed a whole lot since Wednesday. It bothers me that he is feeling so bad right now because we leave tomorrow for Houston for another round of chemo which won’t help with how he is feeling. It is like his body hasn’t had time to “bounce back” from the last one.
I have wanted to update all week but have had a hard time myself. It is so hard to see him ill. It takes a toll on my heart. Please pray that he gets up and going again soon
Love to all
Robin

extra prayers

2009-02-05T10:12:00.001-08:00

Just wanted to send a note to ask for extra prayers today. Donnie is under the weather. He has had fever and terrible chills. He is at home in bed resting. Say an extra prayer for him to feel better today.
Love to all
Robin

2009-02-02T12:30:00.001-08:00

Just wanted to touch base. For those of you who read Justin’s essay, he got an A on the rough draft but doesn’t have his final grade yet. Doesn’t matter, it’s an A in my book.
He also was accepted to LSU!! We were all excited. Now he just needs to audition for the band.

It was a breakneck trip to and from Houston last week. We left Monday after work and came home Tuesday after his chemo. His blood work was good. His white blood cell count was high so that is good. When it is low, he is more susceptible to infection.

We have been trying to keep him away from everyone because Shantel and Caley have both been sick. Shantel had the flu. He definitely doesn’t need that. So I have been disinfecting everything she touches!!!

This chemo is taking a toll on him. Thankfully, it doesn’t make him sick but he gets really tired but is unable to sleep. Something in the chemo keeps him from sleeping. So he will sleep an hour and then wake up. Sleep another hour and wake up again. It’s tough for him because he never gets and good sleep. Quite frustrating.

He goes back for chemo on the 10th.(Next Tuesday) and then we will go back on Feb 23rd for x-rays and scans and then see the Dr on Tuesday the 24th for results. Hopefully, they will be good. I want to hear that this chemo is working!!!!!!!!

Not much else to report now.

Love to all
Keep praying.
Robin

Heroes

2009-01-22T14:55:00.000-08:00

I wanted to share an essay that my son Justin had to write for english class. He is a senior in high school and had to write an essay on heroes. He chose Donnie. I don't know what kind of grade he will make but it doesn't matter. It got an A with us. His essay is below, just as he wrote it.

Heroes

Heroes have always been the pinnacle of man-kinds imagination. The eight century’s heroes, like Beowulf, often had supernatural powers. Although most people idolize heroes like Spiderman and Superman, my hero is my dad, Donnie Reynolds. He always shows such qualities as bravery, selflessness and strength.

Cancer is one of the scariest diagnosis that anyone can hear. My Dad was diagnosed with esophageal cancer over a year ago and still continues to fight on. When the chemotherapy at a local hospital was not yielding the results he needed, he started driving himself to Houston, Texas for all of his treatments. I do not know how he does the extraordinary things he does but he is the bravest person I know.

Selflessness is another one, of the many, great traits my dad possesses. When he met my mom he gave up the chance of having children “of his own” but instead loved us the way a real father should. When my mom asked him if that was what he wanted he said, “We already have kids.” He took on raising my two sisters and I like we were his own. Another time that my dad showed selflessness was when my truck kept breaking down. He bought me a new one so if anything happened; he knew that I had been taken care of. He did not worry about the financial problems he would have to face, he just wanted me to have what I needed.

Though my dad is brave and selfless, his greatest quality is his strength. My dad gets up and goes to work, regardless of how his chemo makes him feel, because he wants to do what is best for our family. His strength is not just physical but mental as well. In the face of cancer, he still stands and fights because he loves his family.

My dad’s bravery, selflessness and strength are the glue that holds our family together. Very seldom do you find a man with the great qualities my father has. No matter what happens he can always know he has been the greatest hero ever.

update

2009-01-16T14:28:00.001-08:00

Donnie made it back Tuesday night from Houston. He has been quite tired this week and sleeping alot but says he feels a little better today.
Hope everyone has a great weekend.
Love to all
keep praying
Robin

another update

2009-01-12T08:29:00.001-08:00

Well Donnie is off to Houston today for his 2nd round of the new chemo. He seemed to fair “ok” with the first one. It wiped him out at times and he was quite tired. The mouth sores became a problem fairly quickly and I worry they aren’t even healed completely and he is going again. His attitude and spirit is unbelievable. He never complains. He pushes thru each day and inspires me so much. I am amazed every single day by his strength and courage and consider myself blessed every day to be his wife.
Please say extra prayers that this new chemo will work and the side effects will be minimal.

Also please pray for our friends
Trevor Vampran so he can come home soon from St Jude
Lexi Brignac who is in the hospital in BR.

Love to all
Robin

2008-12-31T08:36:00.001-08:00

Happy New Year to AllDonnie ended up leaving on Monday afternoon for Houston and had his first round of this new chemo yesterday. He got home around 7 last night.
He is feeling ok so far. Only time will tell.
I hope everyone has a Happy and Safe New Year.
Be thankful for another year of blessings.
Keep praying
love to all
Robin

update

2008-12-29T07:45:00.003-08:00

I hope that everyone had a good Christmas. Ours was very nice. We made so many wonderful memories as a family. Although most people are happy the holidays are over, I as sad once the holiday passes. It is a time of family and togetherness that is different than any other time of year.

Donnie is feeling ok. He isn’t going to Houston today as we originally had thought. When we went to the dr we asked if he could start his new chemo on the 29th instead of the 23rd so he wouldn’t be sick for Christmas. Dr. said that was fine. He said to call and get the appointment time. Donnie started calling on Monday the 22nd. After calling for 2 days they finally called back on Christmas Eve and told us that he had missed his appointment, that it was on the 23rd. That is so frustrating to us. He delayed it a week for Christmas and now, no telling how much longer it will be delayed again. He had to wait until this morning to call to reschedule because the dr has to rewrite the order for chemo. Hopefully, they will call back soon and let us know something and hopefully it will be this week.

Keep praying

Love to all
Robin

update

2008-12-29T07:45:00.001-08:00

I wish I could wake up and this was all a bad dream

2008-12-17T14:10:00.000-08:00

Well it again was a long 2 days in Houston. Donnie had his scans on Monday and Tuesday we got results. It was not the results that we wanted to hear. The tumor itself is stable but he has lymph nodes that have grown significantly. They are changing his chemo as they feel that the chemo he is on isn’t working anymore. He will start the Monday after Christmas. He did not want to start it next Monday because he did not want to be sick for Christmas. This is a stronger chemo with harsher side effects. He isn’t looking forward to it. But he will not have to come home with a pump anymore. He will have a 3 hour treatment at the hospital in Houston every 2 weeks. He will lose his hair again (he’s definitely not crazy about that) but that is mimor.
Plus, the scan showed that he has more blood clots. He has migrating phlebitis. It causes the blood clots to show up in different locations. It is common in patients who have gastric cancers. The bad news is that he has blood clots in his lungs (pulmonary embolism) . He will be on blood thinning shots twice a day indefinitely.
I don’t even know what else to say. My heart is breaking.
Please keep praying
Love to All
Robin

update

2008-12-08T07:24:00.001-08:00

Donnie went back to the dr on Thursday. Seems the shots weren’t helping things as much as they should. He was put back on 2 different antibiotics. Seems to be doing a bit better now.
He has gone to Houston for chemo tomorrow . We will go back next week for his scans and results. I am almost positive that he will have to go back the following week (the week of Christmas) for his next chemo.

Well not much else to report
Keep praying
Love to all
Robin

Donnie update

2008-12-03T13:38:00.000-08:00

Well Donnie went to the Dr on Monday and it wasn't good. He has blood clots in his left arm this time and his right leg. So back to the shots again. He doesn't like those but it is a neccessary evil. The dr told him that this is something he will have to contend with more often now.
Donnie said that he guesses that he is just going down hill now. I hate to hear him say that.
He said his leg doesn't hurt as bad as his arm though.
Say prayers that the shots will start working soon and give him some relief.

Love to all
Keep praying.
Robin

Thanksgiving

2008-11-30T19:46:00.001-08:00

I hope that everyone had a good Thanksgiving. Ours was nice. We left Wednesday afternoon and drove to Mississippi to Donnie's brothers house. We first stopped to see his Mom. She was in the hospital with pneumonia. Also her potassium levels keep dropping and they are sure why.
We had a nice visit with her but we hated that it had to be in the hospital. But on a good note, I think that they are releasing her tomorrow.
We went to the church on Thanksgiving to have lunch. We got to see alot of Donnie's extended family. It was a nice visit. Then we went back to the hospital to bring Mom lunch and visit some more. We had a nice visit with his brother and his family as well and came home friday morning. Saturday, I was in bed all day. Think I got a stomach bug again. I swear if one is going around, I am going to get it.
Felt a little better today.
Donnie is complaining with his arm hurting again but this time it is his other arm and that red line is showing up again. I think he will have to make another dr's appointment for tomorrow.
Not much else to report.
love to all
keep praying.
Robin

Happy Thanksgiving

2008-11-25T18:27:00.000-08:00

Hello All and a early Happy Thanksgiving to everyone.
Donnie's arm is doing better. He said it's still a little sore but almost all better. He was sick this weekend. He was supposed to leave for Houston Sunday night but didn't feel well enough to go. He went yesterday and had chemo this morning and home tonight. He is quite tired. that is a short trip and a long ride. He will have his pump until Thursday. we are leaving tomorrow afternoon to go to his family's in Mississippi. I hate that he can't have the pump removed before we leave so we are looking for someone to remove it while we are there. We should be home by Friday at the latest. So worst case, we turn the pump off thursday when he is done and he just doesn't have it until we return home.
This Thanksgiving, I am thankful for my family and for every day that God blesses us to spend together. Each day is a blessing. I am thankful for my friends and family that stand beside us in Donnie's fight. I am thankful for the many people that don't even know us who are praying for Donnie.
Sometimes it is really hard for me to find things to be thankful for. I get on my self pity and want to know why Donnie is fighting this. But the most that I can do is take each day as it comes. If I try to take on more than that it is too much. So one day at a time. It's all any of us can do. I enjoy and relish in each moment. Good or bad and thank God for that moment that I get to spend with the love of my life. He is my soulmate and I am so lucky to be his wife. He amazes me every single day.
I would like all of you to say a special prayer today for my friends Pam and Trevor Vampran. Trevor is fighting a cold and they will be unable to come home from St. Judes for Thanksgiving. It is hard for them being so far from home. Pray that they find comfort in each other and enjoy their holiday the best that they can wherever they are. feel free to visit Trevor's page and leave them holiday wishes.
www.teamtrevor.com
Happy Thanksgiving
Keep praying
Love to all Robin

Donnie update

2008-11-21T06:19:00.000-08:00

Good Morning,
Donnie went back to the doctor yesterday and the infection in his arm is looking better. He is trying to schedule his chemo for next week now. We were worried about when he would have it since it is the holiday and if we would have someone availible to remove the pump when it was time. I told him I thought I should learn how to do it so we wouldn't have that problem. He said it was a good thing that I could learn so if I ever needed to do it to someone else I would know how. He just doesn't want me doing it for him. He laughed and told me since i wasn't a professional, I wasn't doing anything with needles . He thought it was funny. Anyway:)
His arms is feeling a little better and not hurting as badly as before. Thank God! I was worried for a while that it wouldn't get better.

Anyway, not much else to report.
Keep praying
love to all
Robin

Donnie update

2008-11-17T14:23:00.000-08:00

Well, Donnie’s arm wasn’t any better today so he called and made an appointment with his oncologist here. He was supposed to leave for Houston this afternoon for chemo tomorrow. Dr Castine told him to call and reschedule. He said if he drives over there that they won’t do his chemo with this infection that he has. He had an ultrasound done on his arm to see if there was blood clots. (this type of infection causes the blood to clot) there was some clotting but not in the main artery. He gave him another antibiotic to take with the bactrim he is taking now and gave him a shot and sent him home with the shots to take for 4 days. (he doesn’t think he will be able to give him self a shot in the stomach so we will have someone come and do it for him.)
He will then have to take 325mg of aspirin every day for the next 3 weeks once he is done with his shots.
I am hoping and praying he will be able to get his chemo next week. Last time it got delayed his tumor grew.
That is all I know for now. I will update later when I know more. love to all
Keep praying.
Robin

Donnie update

2008-11-14T07:09:00.000-08:00

Hi All,
Sorry for not posting sooner. Things have been busy and I still haven’t been feeling all to well. I haven’t felt much like writing.
Donnie went for chemo last week and seemed to be doing ok from it. Tired but still feeling decent.
He went to Houston Wednesday for work for a manager’s meeting and called me yesterday to tell me to make him a dr’s appointment. He was having some pain in his arm and it was red and swollen and very tender to the touch.
He had a dental procedure done on Monday and they had to give him an iv to put him to sleep. When he got home last night from the airport he pointed out that he had a red line down his arm. I knew that wasn’t good.
So he went to the dr this am. His oncologist here doesn’t see patients on Friday so I made him an appointment with the family dr. Seems that he has an infection in his veins in his arm. The dr told him that people with cancer and taking chemo tend to get infections in their veins. He put him on an antibiotic and told him to use warm compresses and if it doesn’t get any better in a couple of days to go back.
Hopefully the antibiotic will clear it up quickly. I know that it has been causing him a good bit of pain. Nothing else to report now.
Love to all
Keep praying
Robin

2008-11-06T17:51:00.001-08:00

Sorry I haven't posted in a while. Things have been quite crazy here.
Donnie had his chemo Tuesday and the pump removed today. He is feeling ok, he is just tired.
I on the other hand have been sick in bed with that dreaded stomach virus. I was supposed to leave Monday afternoon for Atlanta for a work convention. I couldn't go. I don't think I have ever been that sick. I lost almost 6 pounds this week. And that is not the way I wanted to lose it either. Feeling better a little bit each day. I was home in bed Monday and Tuesday but back to work on Wednesday. Hopefully by tomorrow I will feel more like myself. We found out that Donnie's next scan isn't until Dec 1 with results on the 2nd. Not on the 18th like we originally thought. I hate waiting . I want some good news and I want it soon!!!
Anyway, I am off to bed.
Keep praying
love to all Robin

shirts for sale

2008-10-23T19:14:00.000-07:00

I have esophageal cancer ribbon shirts to sell for 25.00 a piece

they come in women's fitted and regular tees. just let me know if you are interested.

our latest update

2008-10-21T11:41:00.000-07:00

Well here we are in Houston. I wish I could say that the news was what we wanted to hear. It wasn't bad but it wasn't good either
After Donnie's last petscan (1 month ago) his CEA "tumor marker" had gone from 3.5 to 7.2. We found out today that when he came 2 weeks ago for chemo that his CEA at that time was 9.1.
Today it is 8.9. So it has gone down some since 2 weeks ago but up overall in the grand scheme of things. The dr. decided that he feels this chemo is still working so wants to try 2 more rounds and then scan again.
I don't know what else to write today. My heart is heavy. I want some GOOD NEWS for a change
Keep praying
love to all
Robin

off to houston

2008-10-20T12:02:00.001-07:00

we are leaving for Houston shortly.
Donnie has bloodwork at 10. then he sees the dr at 12 for results and chemo at 1.
I will try to update tomorrow afternoon.
Please pray for good results
Love to all
Robin

update

2008-10-16T07:37:00.001-07:00

Just wanted to update on Donnie. He had chemo last Tuesday and is feeling okay. Not great or anything but he is struggling with the dreaded mouth sores. Been pretty bad this time, he said it hurts to talk even.
We go back next tuesday, they will do the blood test to see if his tumor marker is going up. Then we meet with the dr to decide what we should do next.
I have been told by people that they don't know what to say to the last blog. I wasn't looking for anything. I was just venting. Thank you to everyone who took the time to read it.
Love you all
keep praying

Roibn

One year

2008-10-08T19:23:00.001-07:00

Today makes one year since we got Donnie’s diagnosis. Looking back, we didn’t know where we would be today. Part of me can’t believe it’s been a year already and the other part feels like he has been fighting this cancer for so long. I just want him to beat it already.
It has been a rollercoaster of emotions. We have had our good days and our bad. And Donnie never ceases to amaze me. He amazes me every single day. If someone can beat this with willpower alone, it would be Donnie. His attitude is amazing. He makes the most out of every day and never complains at all. He has taught me so much. He has accepted his cancer and is fighting it. That is a pretty enormous task. I don’t mean that he has accepted it and is going to let it win. He has accepted “this is what is, I am going to do all I can” I wish I was a strong as him.
I can’t honestly say I have accepted his cancer. I don’t think I have even grieved the diagnosis yet. I know people don’t do it purposely but I sometimes feel like my feelings aren’t validated. Does that make sense? Like I am not supposed to be upset or angry because of Donnie’s cancer. I guess part of our human instinct is that when someone tears up to say “everything is going to be ok” or “Donnie is strong, he will beat this,you have to be positive” People don’t want you to cry because it makes THEM feel uncomfortable or it upsets THEM. Again, I know that people don’t realize that they are doing it . But it sometimes seems that it’s not ok for me to be upset or angry. I think I have every right to be upset and angry and even damn pissed off about it. I should have the right to kick and scream and cry if I want to ( as long as I don’t do it everyday) but I have been made to feel like those aren’t valid emotions that I should have. That I have to be strong for Donnie at all times . So in turn, I hold onto to it all and keep it all in. And I have been holding onto it and holding it in for so long, I don’t know if I can let it go. I don’t know if I am even capable of that.
If I voice my fears people say, but he looks so good! This is a very deceiving cancer. Donnie feels pretty good a lot of days and there are some days he feels pretty yucky. Sometimes he is able to play golf and some days he wants to stay in bed. He pushes through like noone I have ever seen. He goes to work every day and if you met him and didn’t know him, you would never know he was sick and somedays he will tell you , “if the dr’s didn’t tell me I was sick, I wouldn’t know” But the truth is that he is. He is fighting quite a monster.
He keeps busy and just lives every day to the fullest. We could all learn a thing or two from Donnie.
I don’t mean for this to be a negative posting in any way. I think that people just don’t know what to say. I always say that I should write a book on what not to say and what to say to a cancer patient and their families. Sometimes, (most of the time) you don’t need you to say anything. Just be there. Listen and let them know that you love them. I know it doesn’t seem like much but it means more than people know.
I will summarize by saying what a HUGE day it is at this one year mark. Donnie is defying the odds everyday. I pray everyday that he continue to defy those odds and I still pray for the day the dr comes in and says “We don’t know what happened but it’s gone, we can’t find it” Until that day, I will enjoy and live every day to it’s fullest and make the most wonderful memories with my family and my husband and count the many blessings in my life. And I will Thank God for those blessings.
I pray every day for my miracle that will cure Donnie but sometimes I worry I got my miracle already. HIM.
I never met a Hero until my husband became one.
Love to all
Keep praying Robin

update from Houston

2008-09-23T16:17:00.000-07:00

Hello from Houston. Well I can say it has been a very long 2 days. Donnie had all of his tests yesterday and we saw the Dr. earlier today. I wish I could say that we got better news. The dr said that the cluster of lymph nodes seems to be growing again. His tumor marker went up from 3.4 to 7.6. That is indication of the disease growing. The tumor in his esophagus is stable at this time. The dr wasn't sure if the growth was due to the fact that we have been pushed back 2 weeks and it has been a month since he had chemo or if this chemo has stopped working. He isn't quite ready to give up on this chemo. Just incase, it was because of the delay. So the plan is this. Donnie is having chemo now and will have chemo again in 2 weeks. After that 2 weeks they will do another blood test to check his tumor marker again. If it is still going up, they will change the type of chemo.
So that is my update. I sure wish it was a better one. I am pretty sure that we will be staying again in Houston tonight and driving home in the morning. It has been a long day and he won't be done till later.
Love to all and keep praying
Robin

update

2008-09-18T06:52:00.000-07:00

Not a whole lot to update here. BUT we are going to Houston this weekend. As of yesterday MD Anderson was fully functional again. So he will have pet scan and x-rays and blood work on Monday and he will see the Dr on Tuesday for results!! We need lots of prayers to get a good result!!!!! love to all
keep praying
Robin

update

2008-09-12T19:01:00.001-07:00

It has been quite a stressful week for me. Because of Hurricane Ike, we had to AGAIN reschedule Donnie's appointments at MD Anderson. When things get off track for our schedule and things get changed, it stresses me greatly. I hate feeling that we aren't doing anything. When his treatment is delayed I worry that this cancer is growing again and we aren't fighting it. To be honest, it scares me to no end.
These hurricanes don't help my stress levels either!!!!
On a good note, Keith's pet scan looked good. I don't know all of the details but it was a good scan. He doesn't go back until next month so that has to be good.
Donnie seems to be feeling pretty good. The only good thing when treatment is delayed is he has a little more time to bounce back from the chemo .
I will post again later. Everyone stay safe.
Keep praying
love to all Robin